What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Classified sections of city newspapers...

*Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

*Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

*Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

*Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

*For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

*Man, honest. Will take anything.

*Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

*Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

*Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

*Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

*Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

*Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

*And now, the Superstore unequalled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivalled inconvenience.

Rated PG

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie :

'I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!'

'Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.'

'Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room.'

'Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!'

'Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?'

'Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.'

'You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.'

'That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!'

'He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.'

'Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?'

'It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.'

Tornado Evacuation Plan

Here, from city and county officials, is the latest evacuation plan for Texas if and when a hurricane comes in from the Gulf:

Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio

Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette

Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas

Republicans fly Continental to Washington DC

Yankees and Democrats use 45 South to Galveston

Longhorns use 290 West to Austin

Aggies use 610 Loop

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and
asked if any lights on the control panel were lit.

The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained.
As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the
expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself.

I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent.

"Come on," I pleaded intothe speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy."

No response.

We reached the man's floor and he exited.

But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom.

WIT & WISDOM!

1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. A penny saved is a government oversight.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Mensa Test:

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Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...

Below is a very private way to gauge you loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or still a MENSA candidate.

Ok, relax... clear your mind, and begin.

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Q: What do you put in a toaster?
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A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.

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Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question.

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Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
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A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions???Dang!!... If you said "glass", then go on to the next question.

***

Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
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A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to
rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be
appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then
proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every
minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
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A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

***

Um...are we talking about a normal clock? A full circle is 360° and a normal clock face has 12 hours going around it. So an hour hand will move 360/12 = 30° in an hour. Naturally that means that it moves 1/2° every minute.

Of course, the question is posed as a conditional
IF the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute...
and so the answer is correct as written. But that would be one wacky clock. At one degree per hour it will take 360 hours for a full revolution instead of just 12!

Steve
former Mensan

I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries.

I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then
put a bag of these fries in with my order.

`Just a minute,' I said, `those aren't fat free.'

Evaluations Believe it or not!! (and it's very believable), these are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?

Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:

Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me

The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long

Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After
strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started
thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to
live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"They are dead," said the man.

"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

A bum, who'd obviously seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well-dressed man on the street.

"Hey, Buddy..........can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed man replied.......... "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You're not going to throw it away on fishing gear, are you?".... the gentleman asked

"No way!... I don't fish either!".....answered the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money on a deer lease, would you?" asks the man.

"Never!" says the bum, "I don't hunt!"

So the man asked the bum if he'd like to come home with him for a homecooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly. While they were heading for the man'shouse, the bum's curiosity got the better of him.....

"Isn't your wife going to be upset when you bring a guy like me to yourhouse for dinner?"