Some Actual Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- Automobile engine location:

It is often said that the reason automobile engines are usually located at the front is that early inventors and manufacturers could not break with tradition.

Horses pull carts; so why should not engine "pull" the car?

However, with a single exception every one of the earliest automobiles - Benz, Daimler, Serpollet, Duryea, Ford, Stanley, Fiat, Packard, to name a representative pre-1900 list from various countries - had its engine at the rear.

The exception is the French Panhard Levassor, or 1985. And the reason, according to Jack Brabham's introduction to PietOlyslager's "Illustrated Motor Cars of the World" (1967), was so that automobile would not look "like a carriage".

WASHINGTON, DC - Trouble struck the American Mold and Fungi Association's conference at Georgetown University earlier this week, during a presentation by Dr. Harriet Bunge on a newly discovered psychoactive mycotoxicological agent. A conference facilities worker accidentally knocked over a tray of petri dishes containing various cultures of Cryptococcus Macarenas, instantly releasing an invisible cloud of spores over the audience.

"Remain calm, everyone!" said Dr. Bunge, "This is the same mold that we think infected nearly 20 percent of bananas imported into the USA a few years ago, and it causes no lasting neurological damage."

Nearest to the site of the accident, two rows of eminent scientists suddenly shot their right arms out in front of them, palms down. Dr. Sven Henrickssen, who knows no Spanish, suddenly sang out "Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena, Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegría y cosas buenas, Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena, Eh... Macarena! Aja!". More scientists stood up, and everyone stuck their left hands out, palm down, followed by turning their right hands palm up. More dance steps followed.

NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line answer to the couch potato.

SITCOM:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,
no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a
prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the sh!$t out of an electronic device
to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate
keys for some computer commands.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems
they were designed to solve.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not
be located.

GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.

Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

I have an Uncle who firmly believes that a career and marriage
don't mix.

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my
reserved parking space again.

After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's
windshield:

"Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them.

They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and
indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked
his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said,"You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!!"

A 90-year-old Scottish woman completed the 26-mile London Marathon last week. She credits the feat to her strong will, a healthy life style, and leaving the starting line when she was 72.

SIGNS:

1. Sign in front of a car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

2. Sign in front of a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

3. Sign on the Septic Tank Pumpiing Truck: "You dump it...We pump it."

4. Sign on a Vegetable Table: "Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!"

5. Sign on an Office Wall: "Everyone brings joy to this office...
Some when they enter and others when they leave!"

6. Sign outside a house: "Three month old puppies for sale. Half lab/half neighbor's sneaky dog."

7. Public Service Sign in Alaska: "Tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trails, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly's droppings because it has tiny bells in it...

GREAT STEAKS

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and
see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it
out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking
over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of
the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
"Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny
steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

FAMILY MATTERS

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

Jake was driving down a country road and spotted a man standing
motionless in a huge field of grass.

Curious, he slowed down and stopped his car to watch the man for a moment. The man out in the field was just standing there, not doing anything or looking at anything in particular.

Jake got out of his car and walked over to the man. He asked him,
"Excuse me, sir, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

Puzzled, Jake replied, "How?"

EXCERPTS FROM LOSS REPORTS IN INSURANCE CLAIMS

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving my car for fourty years, when I fell asleep atthe wheel,and had an accident

I was on my way to the doctor's office with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

An invisable car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

The gentlemen behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to
rest in the bush with his rear end showing.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I don't have.

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to
swerve out of its path, when it struck my front end.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the vehicle.The driver and passenger then left immediately for a vacation with
injuries.

I thought my window was down but it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck worming the other way.

I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home.
As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up obscuring my
vision. I did not see the other car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

SOME THOUGHTS ON LIFE

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

5. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

6. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

7. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay
over.