An unconfirmed rumor, however, has it that George Bush wasn't aware of that distinction when he was putting together his cabinet. "Who can we get to do all the shit jobs?" Dick Cheney is supposed to have asked. After that, all it took was Bush's legendary sense of humor and a phone call.

WHAT MARTHA COULD DO WHILE IN PRISON

1. Decoupage license plates

2. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell

3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit

4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine

5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing cards

6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of barbed wire and chicken bones

7. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart
collection

8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup detail

9. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to conceal weapons

ALTERATIVE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES:

1. Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my
office right now, but leave your number and what you
think of when you hear the following: Orange, Mother,
Unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your
childhood. Thank You!

2. Hi, This is (YOUR NAME)'s refrigerator. The Answering
Machine eloped with the Stereo so this is my job for a
while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so
that (YOUR NAME) receives it promptly.

3. This is you know who. I'm you know where. Leave your you
know what--You know when.

4. Hi--Now you say something.

Rated G

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large Metropolitan Hospital.

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother andstarted back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I'veever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to
Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.

New Yorkers in Heaven

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone!"

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

An English professor wrote the words: 'A WOMAN WITHOUT HER MAN IS
NOTHING'on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate
it correctly.

The men wrote, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote, "A woman: Without her, man is nothing!"

AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES FROM THE FILM 'GOLD MEMBER' (R)

1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

3) Nice legs... What time do they open?

4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?

9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm na.ked.

12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

An inebriated gentleman staggers into a liquor store at one AM and bellies up to the counter and says "Gimme some gin."

The clerk is not about to sell liquor to a drunk but thinks he will have fun with him.

He says "Well we got three kinds of gin. We have oxy-gin, nitro-gin,and hydro-gin."

The drunk fixes the clerk with a steely glare and stomps out of the store.

The clerk is still chuckling a few minutes later when in comes the drunk again.

The drunk staggers up to the counter and says "Gimme some turd."

"What are you talking about." queries the clerk.

The inebriate responds "There are three kinds of turd,mus-turd, cus-turd, and you, you simple shit."

There is a little know tradition in this part of Texas and it is know as a "Watermelon roast."

What takes place is that several couples get together, the men all bring a large watermelon and they head to the piney woods.

Upon finding a suitable place, they build a huge bonfire and when the temperature is right, the men throw the watermelons into the fire.

Then they wait.(But not for long)

The watermelons soon reach the proper temperature and explode all over the place. Then, everybody goes into the woods and gets a piece.

The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign saying, "Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions."

The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.

SUPPORT BACTERIA!!----They're the only culture some people have.

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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

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The USC Marching Trojans-The world's largest rubber band.

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Excuses are like asses---Everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

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Give a man a free hand----and he'll run it all over you.

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