Cinderella Re-Mix

One day when Cinderella was doing her chores, a letter came in the mail about a ball that was going to be that night.

So she thought, wow, I get to go to my first ball! Right before she was about to go and get changed one of her step-sisters came and grabbed the letter out of her hand. Her step-sister told her she wasn't allowed to go, but she wanted to go so bad!!!

That night while the ball was going on, her fairy godmother came and told her she will make her a different person so she could go to the ball.

"That is not the problem fairy godmother," Cinderella said

"What is," asked the godmother

Cinderella then said, "I have my period, so I don't want to bleed all over the place."

Her Godmother said, "Well that is an easy problem to solve, I will give you a magic tampon, but when the clock strikes 12:00 it will turn into a pumkin, so you need to change it before then."

"Ok ok," said Cinderella, "I will Thank You Godmother!"

So Cinderella went to the ball and was having so much fun!

Well 12:00 rolled around, and she was still dancing and having a great time!

So the fairy godmother told herself, ok I will give her until 1:00. 1:00 came around, and she still hadn't changed it.

So then the godmother said to herself, i will give her until 1:30 no later.

1:30 came around and still she hadn't taken it out, but the godmother said to herself "oh well, I have to change it into a pumpkin!" When Cinderella came home at 3:00 in the morning, the fairy godmother said to her, "so did it change to a pumpkin?"

Coffee and Donuts at the Nude Beach

Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?

The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.

Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?

Signs You Have a Hangover

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

All day long your motto is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

One daya maanger of a sales company is interviewing a man who wants to become an employee in the business. The manager is a proud owner of a business that has been selling Bibles successfully for 20 years. The owner receives the next guy into
the office and the interview begins.

Manager: Hello I am the manager to Bibles Inc. Who are you and why i should hire you?

Guy: M-m-m-y-y n-n-name i-i-i-i-is-s-s F-r-r-r-r-e-e-e-d. I-i-i-i-i kn-kn-know I-i-i-i-i Stu-stu-stu-stu-tter al-al-al-alot bu-bu-but pl-pl-pl-please ju-ju-ju-just gi-gi-give me a-a-a ch-ch-ch-chance.

The Manager knew that this man would be just horrible at this task in fact he himself felt uncomfortable in Fred's presence wanting nearly to get rid of the man. So he thought of a way to let Fred down without feeling too much guilt. The manager
thought and thought and finally gave in saying:

"Okay i'll give you one chance"

Fred went off with a dozen Bibles (twice as much as the average salesman sells) with an air of confidence around him. The manager looked on as Fred went on thinking "poor kid."

That night Fred returns and the manager promptly asks him how it went. Fred beams and shows that every bible is gone. The manager now with a look of astonishment on his face assumes that they must have all been stolen. When he asks Fred if they had been stolen Fred shakes his head in a negative response. The
manager realizes that they must have ALL been sold. Astounded the Manager asks

"How in the Hell did you sell all these Bibles?"

Speaking - New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria

Peck - to fill a suitcase

Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects

Pigs - for hanging out washing with

Pump - to act as agent for prostitute

Pug - large animal with a curly tail

Nin tin dough - computer game

Munner stroney - soup

Min - male of the species

Mess Kara - eye makeup

McKennock - person who fixes cars

Mere - Mayor

Leather - foam produced from soap

Lift - departed

Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman

Kittle crusps - potato chips

Ken's - Cairns

Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim

Jungle Bills - Christmas carol

Inner me - enemy

Guess - vapour

Fush - marine creatures

Fitter cheney - type of pasta

Ever cardeau - avocado

Fear hear - blonde

Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen

Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym

Duffy cult - not easy

Amejen - visualise

Day old chuck - very young poultry

Bug hut - popular recording

Bun button - been bitten by insect

Beard - a place to sleep

Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers

Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline

Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests

Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden

One Doze - well known computer program

Brudge - structure spanning a stream

Sex - one less than sivven

Tin - one more than nine

Iggs Ecktly - Precisely

Earplane - large flying machine

Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport

Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft

Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft

Cuds - children

Pits - domestic animals

Cuttin - baby cat

Munce - usually served on toast

One day a cowboy was riding down the trail. He came upon a fork in the path. At the fork he looked down and found an indian lying bucknaked on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air.

Now the cowboy was very startled by this and gasps: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN?!!!!

The indian sits up and says to the cowboy: this is how I tell time,right now it is exactly 2:37 in the afternoon. the cowboy looks at his watch and is absolutely astonished...why holy buckin broncos son you got right on the money my watch says 2:38 how d'ya do it?...

Indian tells him it's an ancient indian practice and you would'nt understand.

Cowboy nods his head says: much obliged but I must be on my way, and proceeds to make his way down the trail.

A few hours later the cowboy is riding back the opposite direction and once again comes to the fork in the path.

This time the cowboy is totally shocked at what he sees because he looks down and see the same Indian jerking off.

The cowboy says: NOW WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN?!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: English

A friend of mine says that this is the reason why American English has been rated the most difficult language to learn, even more than Chinese:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he decided it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present! .

To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Yes, English can be bewildering. If we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, yet a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Yes, in American English, your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill out a form by filling it in, and an alarm goes off by going on.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible; when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And,! when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Terrorists Multliplying in the Southeast

The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would like to announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.

Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved with the locals.

The result was not pretty, and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: "ISLAMABUBBAS"

So far, only a smattering of actual births has been reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified the following:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba

Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It

Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba

Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba

Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat

Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl

Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa

Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less. We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

\We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slowdigestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comesfrom deep inside of you.

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a redneck.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

libido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

MATHEMATICS FOR MEN & WOMAN


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.


APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

A Fence Bid

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.

One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone.

Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?''

So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the California contractor. His name was .

He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Next was the Washington contractor. His name was .

He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.'' His name was .

The guard whose name was , incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

The little girl said, Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."