Barbie Turns 43

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 2002 Barbie will turn 43, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been 43 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 43 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie:

Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie:
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Midlife Crisis Barbie:
Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mother Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie:
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless.

Every year at the state fair Fred entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend Leroy,he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" Leroy asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Fred grew more and more despondent asthe drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.

All of asudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Fred rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Fred lost.

Quotes to think about

"People never say "it's only a game" when they are winning"-Anonymous

"Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and thenchain the pen to the counter."- Anonymous

"Only in America. . . do people order large fries, double cheeseburgers, and a diet coke."- Anonymous

"How do they get that deer to cross the road at the yellow sign?"- Anonymous

"If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with"quit while you're ahead?"- Anonymous

"The early bird gets the worm, but the the second mouse gets the cheese."- Anonymous or Sean Mckinnon

"If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?"-

"I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe."- Anonymous

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."- Winston Bennett

"Never eat more than you can lift."- Miss Piggy

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."- Lily Tomlin

Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a really hot day and one of them said to the other "Why are we down here digging? When the boss is up there drinking in the shade".

"I dont know go and ask him" He replied So the guy climbed up out of the hole and walked up to the boss who was sitting under a tree and asked him- "why are we working and youre here relaxing?"

"beacuse of intelligence" The boss answered

"whats intelligence" The guy asked

"well let me show you" So the boss stood up and put his hand against the tree "hit my hand with youre fist" he said.

So the guy tried to hit the bosses hand but just before he did the boss moved so he hit the tree instead"owwwwwww"

"thats intelligence" grined the boss So the guy went back down in to the hole with his friend.

His work mate asked "what did he say"

"It's beacuse of intelligence" the guy replied.

"whats that" questioned the work mate

Prepare yourself. This information that may shock and upset you.

Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in aLit class, I accidently stumbled across this exciting news.

GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of theday with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the daywith him.

GEORGE: Ursula sees George's sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey. TITANIC: Rose sees Jack's sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.

GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursula's mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose's mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed "King of the Jungle."
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed "King of the World"

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge ofphotography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turnout to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of artand her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than hedoes.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the limo. TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the bow.

GEORGE: "George just lucky I guess"
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies. TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his socialinadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who hadbeen locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportationaccident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportationaccident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidalstranger.

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting'it back in.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Hey, It's the Peanuts Gang!!!

A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled,"Why Me, Charlie Brown?"

Recently Met Life put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the gang dealing with contemporary issues.Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's: We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Is Linus gay? "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUEPASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO,CHARLIE BROWN!"

Discover a father's forbidden love in: "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET,CHARLIE BROWN"

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:"IMA BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the innerworkings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY,CHARLIE BROWN"

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN,CHARLIE BROWN?"

1. Drinks coffee, not that sissy earl gray tea.

2. Beams down to the planet like real captains should.

3. Mutes the doctor when he gets out of line.

4. "Voyager" needs a female captain. Its captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.

5. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare yet.

6. Isn't French with an English accent.

7. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.

8. Janeway doesn't have any pesky Federation admirals to get in her way.

9. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

10. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the prime directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philisophical ramblings.

11. Janeway's holograms create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.

12. Her engineer doesn't wear a bannana clip over her eyes.

13. Doesn't have a counselor (thank god!)

14. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Parisare you ever stupid!"

Three idiots decide to go hunting.

The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck.

The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does.

They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed.

Bathroom Grafetti

UT Campus Austin, TX:

Urine the bathroom.
Urine trouble.
Look what a mess urine.

Seen in a local bar, recently:

For a good time, call ###-#### and ask for Mary.
For a BAD time, tell Mary where you got this number.

How about this little ditty discovered in a public toilet in London?

As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit.
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.

Written above a urinal:

Stand close. It's shorter than you think.

As a boy, my Dad used to fish off the end of a pier in the San Fransisco Bay.
There was an old-style outhouse (no longer there) on the pier, put there by the
owner. Apparently the owner got tired of people making a mess of his outhouse,
so he wrote the following on the wall inside:

If you shit
upon the floor,
I will lock
the shithouse door.

- Owner

A person who apparently had frequent need to visit the outhouse responded below the owner's message with:

If the shithouse
door you lock,
I'll throw your shithouse
off the dock.

The mens' restroom at Northern Telecom's Atlanta location (since closed down :-( ) had blackboards on the walls of the stalls with chalk for writing graffiti(true). People ignored the chalk and wrote on the blackboards with pen.

In University of Washington's Physics Hall, circa 1984, below toilet seat cover dispenser:

Walter Mondale's election hats

In the men's room at a Denny's restaurant:

It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.It only takes Denny's 10 minutes.

In case of nuclear war, hide in the urinal. Nobody ever hits 'em anyway.

Sign over urinal in mens room in Cambridge, Mass. bar near Harvard:

We don't sell our beer, we just rent it.

In a truck stop somewhere in Oklahoma:

Captain's Log: Me & Spock beamed down to shit.

Written over faded instructions on electric hand dryer:

Push button

Rub hands together vigorously under air stream
Wipe hands on pants

Here I sit
to shit again.
But instead of landing in the bowl,
it landed on my pen.

Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

They paint these walls to cover my pen,
but the shithouse poet has struck again.

The angle of the dangle is in direct proportion to the heat of the meat and the mass of the ass.

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

(written under a picture of crudely drawn flower)

Hi. I'm Johnny. I am five years old. I couldn't think of anything dirty to say, so I drew this fucking flower.

Here's one seen above a urinal:

look up
[a little higher on the wall]

look up
[even higher on the wall]

keep looking up
[on the ceiling]

Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

(Hostel, West Coast, South Island, New Zealand.)

There's nothing more underrated than a good shit, and nothing more overrated than a bad fuck.

Three different authors contributed to this one:

First pen: "Jesus is the answer"
Second pen: "What is the question"
Third pen : "Who was Felipe Alou's younger brother"

(The early-70's New York Yankees lineup featured three Alou brothers:Matty, Felipe, and Jesus. I still see this 20+ years later, even here in Red Sox territory.)

Seen somewhere in ladies room in Freiburg/Germany:

Arrow pointing to the bottom of the door and "Exit for Limbo Dancers".

I saw the following exchange in the men's room at Computervision in the early 80's:

1:
2: What language is this, Esperanto?
3: Ne, tiu lingvo ne estas Esperanto - estas Morrison.
4: I saw Morris on TV in the cat food commercial!

Seen in front of the urinals at a college in Montreal:

You're holding your future in your hands!

Someone had added:

And it doesn't look too promising!

One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:

A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date.

They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.

The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear.

The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

Things you should know

There are more than twenty sheep for every person living in New-Zealand

The Swiss eat more cheese per head of population than any other nations

Ice-cream was invented in 1620

There is a place in Norway called Hell. (1 ticket for Hell please, first class)

Cats cannnot taste sweet food

When flies take off, they jump backwards

Blond people have more hair on their head than dark-haired people

There are more than 28,000,000 cats in the USA

No piece of paper can be folded in half more then 7 times.

Men building the tomb of Ramseses III in the twelfth century BC went on strike for higher pay

Incas used to eat guinea-pigs

At Chrismas 1969 black snow fell in Sweden (1969, turn the 9 upside down = 666)

Mary, Queen of Scots, was said te be a skilful billiards player

Warm water freezes more quickly than cold water

Napoleon was afraid of cats (Lucky he didn't go to the USA)

In 1820, a man sold his wife in the cattle market for 25p (wouldn't you wish you could do that?)

Los Angeles contains more cars then people

There are about 1000 diffrent words for camel in Arabic

Snails can sleep for 3 years without waking up

Male monkeys sometimes go bald, just like men do (hehehe!)

The Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator

The sea-urchin walks on the tips of its teeth

Bad pickup lines

If those old pickup lines aren't working for you like "did it hurt, (she says) what. When you fell from heaven. Then readthese pickup lines I guarantee at least one will work for you.

1.Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"

2.Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

3.Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call your mother and thank her.

4.Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In this Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!

5.Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!

6.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

7.Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to writedown my number?

8.Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

9.Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.

10.For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.

11.Gee, for a fat girl you sure don?t sweat much.

12.Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?

13.Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?

14.Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

15. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.

16.Hi. You'll do.

17.How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!

18.I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.

19.I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!

20.I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!!

21.I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

22.I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you.

23.I lost my number can I have yours.

24.I was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.

25.I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

26.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

27.If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

28.If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

29.I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Thought you all might enjoy reading this Classic from the past.

Who is on first?

Abbot: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. TheYankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbot: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbot: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbot: Strange names, pet names

Abbot: Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third ...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbot: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on
third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbot: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbot: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.

Abbot: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbot: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbot: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbot: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbot: Who.

Costello: The guy playing ...

Abbot: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.

Abbot: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbot: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbot: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbot: Yes.

Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?

Abbot: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbot: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbot: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbot: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets the money...

Abbot: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money ..
.
Abbot: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbot: Yes.

Abbot: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbot: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbot: Who.

Costello: How does he sign ..
.
Abbot: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbot: Yes.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name onfirst base.

Abbot: No, What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbot: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbot: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbot: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbot: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbot: Alright.

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbot: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbot: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbot: Oh, he's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbot: Why, you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbot: No, Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on first?

Abbot: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbot: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it?!

Abbot: Alright, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbot: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third?

Abbot: No, What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbot: Who is on first
.
Costello: I don't know.

Together: Third base!

Costello:Forget it I DON'T GIVE A DARN!

Abbot: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you lookingfor the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"

Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they quickly became friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"