SOME TEXAS WISDOM:

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd,take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shup up.

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations...

And I became confused about the word "service."

This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

SHAZAM!!

Great Practical Tips

[Try these at your own risk!]

* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

* High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

* Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

* Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few year and you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

* X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

QUESTION: When do you care for a man's company?

GOOD ADVICE!

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger.

When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's golf outing or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it’s just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that Iprobably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not sayingthat the ability to show this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the . I realize thatachieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile

"Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"

"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"

"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

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What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?

Spook when you're spooken to!

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Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?

In case they get a hole in one!

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What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?

Mom and Dad!

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How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!

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My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

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Do fathers always snore?

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Love, Lust Or Marriage?
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LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

What does it smell like?"

Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break".

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown".

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

I read this article.

It said the typical symptoms ofstress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.

Are they kidding?

Things you don't want to hear at the tattoo parlor..
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* "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

* "We're all out of red, so I used pink."

* "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

* "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."

* "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."

* "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."

* "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

* "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

* "The flag's all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, our troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, several of the kids had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening.

"Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."

The Boston Symphony was playing a concert.

During the concert, one of the pieces selected was to be Beetoven's Ninth Symphony, a beautiful piece.

In the middle of the arrangement the basses don't have anything to do but count time until they come back in.

When the orchestra got to that point the basses got up and walked off the stage. They went next door to the tavern.

After having a few beers, one of them said, "Hey we'd better get back, its almost time for us to start playing again."

One of his buddies replied,"Don't worry about it, we have a little bit more time-I tied the last few pages of the conductor's sheets together."

The basses finally staggered back on stage and started playing right where they were supposed to.

The conductor, struggling with his musical score, was a little edgy.

Love, Lust Or Marriage?
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