Joe Smith's Day

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6:00 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good-paying AMERICAN job.

Coach had put together the perfect team for Dallas Cowboys. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away,
ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Cowboys go on to win the Super Bowl for another time in history.

The young Bosnian is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard,
"Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans.

The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch."

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

Four men were in a boat. While they were sailing they decided to have a cigarette, but soon discovered that no one had any matches.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol; dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke; dead.
Third worm in sperm; dead.
Fourth worm in soil; alive.

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

I don't understand these complaints about the Post Office.

Time was, you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at the destination in two days.

Now, you put a thirty-four-cent stamp on a letter and it takes four to five weeks to arrive.

Still, only a penny a day!!

THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW!

Did you know.....

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles??

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints everyone's tongue print is different.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says,"Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)
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(are you sure?)
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(you're gonna hate me!)
>
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>
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The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Renewed Expressions

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. It went
up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is..."

THOUGHTS

Love is grand;
Divorce is a hundred grand
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
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Conscience is what hurts when
everything else feels so good.
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Talk is cheap
because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
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Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I am having an out of money experience.
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I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
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It's frustrating when you know all the
answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

THESE ARE ACTUAL CHURCH NEWSLETTER MISPRINTS:

1. A study is underway by the Southern Leadership Conference to determine if the clergy do more than lay people.

2. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the reacreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

9. Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

16. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

18. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

19. The Association Minister unveiled the church'snew tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge---Up Yours."

With One Glass Of Milk

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal, he asked for a drink of water.

She thought he looked hungry and so she brought him a large glass of milk.

He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strengthened also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later, that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, he went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown, he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day, he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested from the business office to pass the final billing to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.

She read these words: "PAID IN FULL WITH ONE GLASS OF MILK....
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

"Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love is shed abroad through human hearts and hands."

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually, the boy admits that it is he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly.

"No, my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."