An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office.

Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts.

But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!"

Then why do you keep it?

Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.

"It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor -- yet you claim a dependent son.

Surely this must be a mistake."

A young man has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late.

The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss.

I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back.

Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella.

The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? - you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

Big Kev and Dick Smith, two Australian Identities, decide that it is time to form a new airline.

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park one day with her dog. He asked, "What's your name?"

"Blossom," answered the girl.

"Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?"

"Well, my mommy was pregnant and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me, Blossom."

"Oh, that's nice. What's your dog's name?"

"Porky."

"Why Porky?"

What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

How to say "I love you" In eight languages

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t'aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Rules for eating Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks.
Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

The town gossip (and supervisor of the town's morals) recently accused a local man of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

The man stared at her for a moment, said nothing, and walked away.

THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK :

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life like!"

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--so we're having you put to sleep."

Very Twisted Jokes

Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come".

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A geneologist looks up your family tree.
A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?

7. The radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake

8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?

9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

What We Have All Learned from Cartoons

What we have learned from cartoons:

1. You will only fall off the cliff, building, ect... if youlook down and notice that there is no longer anything but airbeneath your feet.

2. When you get wacked on the head you can see little bluebirdies or if your really lucky, stars!

3. If a safe falls on your head, don't worry you can just openthe door to that safe and walk out.

4. There is only one company : Acme.

5. Dynamite will ALWAYS be bright red and labled.

6. If you need to get to the other side of a wall you can justpaint a door and then walk through it.

7. If someone has already done the above, BEWARE, it will notwork for you! Can you say pain?

8. You will always know when someone gets an idea by watchingfor the lightbulb that will apear over their head if thisoccurs. Note if the person is stupid a candle will replace thelightbulb.

9. You are immortal. No matter how many times a piano, safe,anvil ect... has dropped on your head you will stagger awayunharmed. The same goes for falling from high places.

Body Builder's baby

There was this body builder (a girl) who got pregnant. So when she was in labor, the doctor helping her told her to push as hard as she could. Well being a body builder, she flexed all of her muscles at once and pushed as hard as she could. The baby
shoots out like a rocket, knocking the doctor over, and then splattting against the far wall.

"Damn," she says,"I'll have to try this again later."

The doctor gets up and says to himself, "What the hell just happened?"

Nine months later, the same body builder comes back pregnant again and gets the same doctor.

The doctor tells her that he is going to call in a "professional" and he would be right back.

Five minutes later, he comes back with a professional baseball catcher, in full pads, and puts him right "in the line of fire."

As the catcher took his stance, the doctor ran out of the way.

From a distance, she heard the doctor say to push and push she did again. This time when the baby shot out, it completely leveled the catcher and again splatted against the wall.

"Damn," she says again,"I'll have to try again."

The catcher gets up looking kinda dazed, and just like the doctor, says "What the hell just happened?"

Well as you have probably guessed, nine months later, the same body builder comes back, and again she is pregnant.

This time the doctor calls a pro hockey goalie, but to no avail. The rocket baby just knocked himover as easily as the doctor and the catcher, and he also woke up sometime later in a daze.

Well nine months later, our favorite body builder comes back, and guess what? She is pregnant again. Well the doctor, knowing the drill, decided to call his last resource.

About five minutes later a pro soccer goalie cames in, and takes his position in
the "line of fire."

When the doctor told the body builder to "push," the body builder again flexed all of her muscles and, again, the baby shot out like a speeding bullet towards the
soccer goalie. As it closed in, the soccer goalie grabbed the baby and broght it in as soft as a feather.

The doctor and the body builder, sitting there amazed, got up and cheered.

Gags For The Office Drone

Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.