One day this woman is walking down this side street when she suddenly hears a man crying out loud, and being the kind heartedperson she is she decided to see whats wrong with the poor man,she finds the crying man to be sitiing amongst some rubbish bags,"Whats wrong with you?" enquired the woman

"Im homeless, only got one leg, and I'm blind! Im gonna end it all now!""please don't, I want to help you if I can" begged the woman"

I havent got long to live so I doubt you can possible help me!" wailed the old man"

Just tell me your wish and I'll see what I can do"

"I always wanted to visit a mountain range, but with one leg, no money and being blind has never helped!"

So the woman thinks quickly and comes up with a rather quirky idea"ok have you a good imagination?"

"Of course I do"

"Ok you can pretend,that your fingers are your legs and and"climb" up my breasts"so away goes this man "climbing" up this woman breasts with his fingers and he has a right time running, playing, and all the things he would do if he was actually there.when the man eventually returned the "lowlands" the woman was happy to see such a wide smile on the mans face

"There you go you had fun, and only two minutes ago you thought you were going to end it!"

"yes that fun, but I'm not still not happy!"

"Well what is it this time?"

Why are the lights brighter in the World Trade Center than in the Empire State Building?

One day a boy called Agaf was incredibly horny.

He loved the queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him happy for life.

He went to the village elder (wise man) to find out how to cure his quarms.
"I need to suck the queens breasts," Agaf said.

"How much are you paying?" the elder asked. "Nothing is free!"

"A million pounds," Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and
then not pay because once he had the suck nothing else mattered.

"OK." So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching powder into the queens bra. The itch would last two whole days.

When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was absurd. In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the king asked the elder for help, as you do!

Everything was going to plan so far! "Elder," the king said. "My wife is in immense pain because she has got a pain in her breasts." "I know what to do!" the elder said.

"Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical saliva to cure the itch.

You will have to let him suck your wifes breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone."

The king wasn't happy about this but he agreed. So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat,and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two days anyway.

So then the elder called in Agaf and said, "you got your wish.Now pay me!"

"No chance wanker!" Agaf said and walked out.

So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got it.........

Three men are stuck on an island.

The first man, who is white, tries to swim for help. He is eaten by sharks.

The second man, who is black, tries and is eaten too.

The third man, who is Mexican, swims all the way to land.

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

Pick Up Lines..................

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. Nice legs...what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions?

Screw me if I'm wrong but is your name Helga?

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

Would you believe!

What time is it in India?
7:11 on the dot!

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,and she had syphilis.... Would you recommend that she have anabortion?

If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting,isn't it?

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem.

No only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS??????????????????????????

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a 's' in it?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish
washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a conversation, never in the middle.

Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Actual Question's and Answer''s on Television's Family Fued

Just in case you are wondering - Some of these folks may be watching a movie in your theatre tonight. Give them popcorn.

Q: Something in the garden thats green
A: A shed

Q: Something that flies that doesnt have an engine
A: A bicycle with wings

Q: Something you could be allergic to
A: Skiing

Q: Name a famous bridge
A: The bridge over troubled waters

Q: Something a cat does
A: Goes to the bathroom

Q: Something you can do in the bathroom
A: Decorate

Q: Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A: A dog

Q: Something associated with cops
A: Pigs

Q: A sign of the zodiac
A: April

Q: Something slippery
A: A con man

Q A kind of ache
A: Fillet 'O' fish

Q: A food that could be brown or white
A: Potato

Q: A potato topping
A: Jam

Q: Something with a hole in it
A: A window

Q: A non-living creature with legs
A: Plant

Q: A domestic animal
A: Leopard

Q Part of the body that starts with "N"
A Knee

Q: A way of cooking fish
A: Cod

Q: Something you open other than the door
A: Your bowels

Q: Name something a blind person might use
A: A sword

Q: Name a song with moon in the title
A: Blue suede moon

Q: Name a bird with a long neck
A: Naomi Campell

Q: Name a occupation that you might need a torch
A: A burgler

Q: Name a famous brother and sister
A: Bonnie and Clyde

Q: Name a dangerous race
A: The arabs

Q: Name a item or clothing worn by the tree musketeers
A: Horse

Q: Name something that floats in the bath
A: Water

Q: name something you wear at the beach
A: A deck chair

Q: Name something thats red
A: A cardigan

Q: Name a famous cowboy
A: Buck Rogers

Q: Something you do before going to bed
A: Sleep

Q: Something you put on the walls
A: Roofs

and the best ever screw up on family fued is.........

Q: Name a number you have to memorize
A: Seven

T-Shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When IGrew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries WithThat?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've BeenDoing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."20.

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island clean up team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy,why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

One day a man was thinking of ways to lose 75 pounds.

He was watching TV and a commercial came on and said things about a weight loss program where there are perfect results.

So the man dials the number shown and says "hi i would like to try your 3 day 10 pound weight loss program" the man on the other line says sure we'll start tomorrow.

The next day a very good looking lady about 19 wearing nothing but a tennis shoes and a sign that says "if you catch me, you can have me"so for about 3 miles the man finally caught her and after the 3 days of training was up he checked the scale and showed a loss of 10 pounds.

He was so pleased that he called again for the 5 day 20 pounds program.

The next day a Very beautiful lady the most beautiful thing the man has ever seen about 24, came to the door and was wearing nothing but some tennis shoes and a sign that said, if you catch me, you can have me.so after a few miles the man finally caught her and after 5 days of training he checked the scale and sure enough, he lost 20 pounds.

So he called again for the 7 day 50 pounds weight loss program.

The man on the phone said " Are you sure this is what you want?" the man said "yes because of this program I have never felt better in my life."

Tired & Overworked!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason.... I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.