Shorts Laughs

What do you call a cow, with no legs?
Ground Beef

Why won't a Barracuda ever attack a Jewish American Princess?
Professional Courtesy

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick

What do you call a man with syphilis, herpes, AIDS and gonorrhea?
An incurable romantic

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Where do you find the most fish?
between the head and the tail.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

What's Irish and stays out all night.
Paddy O'Furniture

How can the Bartender tell which men like moose head?
By the antler marks on their hips.

What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo doesn't have any friends at all, whereas a homo has friends up the ass.

CoNfUsInG

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?

Why is the word abbriviation so long?

If you had 20 odds and ends on a table and all but one fell off, whats left, an odd or an end?

What is the speed of dark?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
t
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a Hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're justsitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I lost a button hole. I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here,Stay!'
After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1mile. It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the sameroom and let them fight it out.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over myhead and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Australia. She said, "Knock it off!."

How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it? I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So Isaid, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well,what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under abridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now.But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why is it called a hamburger, when it's made out of beef?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the otherway?

IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead, to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels-aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do"practice"?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? "

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have"

"I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies"

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us"

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time"

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

Actual Newspaper or Magazine Ads Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar

An actual tip from page 16 of the Health Physics"Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere
again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children$ 2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

World's Shortest Books   

19. Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

18. Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

17. How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

16. Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

15. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

14. Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

13. Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

12. My Wild Years by Al Gore

11. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

10. America's Most Popular Lawyers

09. Fatty Foods I Love by Ally McBeal

08. Dr. Kevorkian's Book Of Motovational Speeches

07. Keeping Your Kids Off Drugs by Robert Downing Jr.

06. All The Men I've Loved by Ellen Degeneres

05. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

04. Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

03. Friendly Words Spoken By Ann Robinson (The Weakest Link Host)

02. How To Lose Weight And Keep It Off by Oprah Winfrey

AND THE NUMBER ONE SHORTEST BOOK...

01. My Book Of Morals by Bill Clinton   

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan

- NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists

- REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo

- USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink

- AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray

- THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer

- TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids

- LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -

OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -

WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -

DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -

WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -

WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts

INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume -

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:

FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:

DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

Little boy is in line with his dad, waiting to check out.

In front of them is a really fat woman.

Little boy looks her over and turns to his dad and says: "She is really big and fat isn't she daddy?"

The father is embarrassed and tries to get son to quiet down.

In a few minutes the little boy yells out: "She is the biggest
woman I have ever seen!"

The father is embarrassed to tears and bends over and tells his son: "We do not talk about people looking different from us, especially if they are fat. Don't do it again."

The little boy got the message and stood for a long time, until the woman's beeper went off.

One day a boys father collects him from school.

When they were walking back up the road to the car, the father  suddenly said,"Bastered".

The little boy said, "Daddy what does bastered mean?"

The father said that he would tell him when they got in the car.

He got in the car and said, "Bastered is a polite word for the traffic lady".

This was because he had been given a traffic ticket.

When they got home as the father was walking in the door,"He shouted SHIT". As he fell over the door mat.

The little boy said,"Daddy what does shit mean?"

The father said that it was another word for the door mat.

The little boy walked into the kitchen. As he did so his mother said,"fucking hell".

She had just cut herself while carving the chicken.

The little boy said,"mummy what does fucking mean"?

"Shesaid that it was another word for carving.

The little boy walked into the living room. His grand father said,"piss", as he had just poured red wine on the white table cloth. Grand pa,"what does piss mean?"

He said that it was another word for wine.

He went upstairs to his brothers room. As he walked in his brother said,"dick", as his train had just come off the line."

Brother what does dick mean" he said.

His brother said that it was another word for his train.

He went into the bathroom. As he walked in his dad said,"bollocks", as he had just cut himself while shaving."

Daddy what does bollocks mean?" said the little boy. The dad said that it was another word for his face.

A man is pacing in a Maternity waiting room.

Then out comes the nurse.

"Well?" says the father.

The nurse smiles. "It's a boy. But,unfortunatly, he was born without a torso, arms or legs. He's just a head."

Well," the father says, "I will still love love him. He is my son after all."

21 years later, the father takes his son's head out for his first beer.

They walk in, the father carrying the head, and sits down at the bar, putting his son on the stool next to him."

Bartender, I want a strong beer for my son. The strongest you've got!"

The bartender gives him the beer but shakes his head.

The father helps the son take a sip and- Pop! The head grows a torso!

The other people in the bar cheer, but the bartender just shakes his head. The father helps his son take another sip and- Pop!

Two arms appear!

The people cheer and the father is crying with joy.

The son, now a bit tipsy, finishes the beer and- Pop!

Two legs appear!

The people are celebrating, the father is thanking God, but the bartender says nothing.

The son, seriously slammed now, gets upon his new legs and totters outside, on to a road and into the path of an oncoming truck- WHAM!

Two newborns were talking in the hospital nursery.

The boy looks over at the girl and says "I'm a boy."

The girl looks at him and asks "How do you know?"

He replys "Wait until the nurse leaves and I'll show you.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in the desert.

Tonto places his ear to the ground and announces, "Buffalo come."

Amazed, the lone ranger inquires, "How can you tell?"

Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer..

When the Houston Oilers move to Tennessee ...what will their new name be called?
-The Tennessee Tampons...
Their only good for one period and they don't have a second string!!!

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, You just have to figure out how to get them in there

Confusious say:
"Man who drive into whorehouse with bike come out with hot rod."

What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the hell out of him.

These are the top 18 signs of idiotsy:

18.Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

17.Puts lipstick on their forhead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

16.Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

15.Sends a fax with a stamp on it.

14.Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"

13.Tries to drown a fish.

12.If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.

11.Thinks socialism means partying.

10.Trips over a cordless phone.

9.Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.

8.At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put Sagittarius."

7.Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

6.Studies for a blood test and fails.

5.Sells the car for gas money.

4.Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.

3.Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.

2.Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport left", he turned around and went home.

And the number 1 sign for idiotsy is...........

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

Most people think life sucks, and then you die.