The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"Hey!, whatever is the big brass gong with that big hammer hanging from it used for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"Really? How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.

When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."

George Carlinisms

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Deja new...

Deja moo:

The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deja gnu:

The feeling that you've seen this animal before.

Deja phew:

Feeling that you've smelled this scent before.

Deja chew:

Thought's for Today - Take a joke to work today. :d

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" :d

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson have in common?

They were all born on holidays.

How many Chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened.

Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me.

No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over.

The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."

"What?" shrieks the king. "I don’t have any enemies to the West."

Things we say.....and what we really mean.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ....'Hold my purse.'"

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

"Haven't I seen you before?"... "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." ... "I'm poor."

"I need you" ..."My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" ..."I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." ... "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" ..."You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." ... "So I can tell my friends about it."

"She's kinda cute." ... "I want to have sex with her till I’m blue."

"It's just orange juice, try it."... "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"I don't know if I like her" ... "She won't sleep with me."

"Was it good for you?" ..."I'm insecure about my manhood."

"I had a wonderful time last night." ..."Who the hell are you?"

"I have something to tell you." ... "Get tested."

“You’re just too young for me.” ...Your daddy put a shotgun to my head and told me I better not be messing around with you.

"I think we should just be friends." ..."You're ugly."

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, 'Five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"

Bathroom Reading Material

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

A. Because . . . A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch .
.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? ... Half way.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Q: Know what you call a woman with PMS & ESP?
A: A bitch who knows everything.

Notable Quotes in History:

“I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” --J. Edgar Hoover

You think your day is bad!!!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released backinto the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack asense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenancecomplaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted byQUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

ALLY McMEAL

Did you know they have a new meal at McDonalds?

It comes with 1 Chicken McNugget, 1 French Fry and a large Diet Coke.

Its called “ The McBeal Meal “

One and Two liners

Why can't Dolly Parton be a schoolteacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the blackboard!

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. -- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

The best ten years of any woman's life
comes between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

One night three guys wanted to rob a bank.

They found a bank with the lights off and they started to rob it.

They smashed the windows and a door with crowbars.

They found the safe and broke into it.

They found boxes but no money.

Then one robber found lots of cups with stuff that looked like yogurt inside.

He ate it and said it was pretty good.

The other robbers agreed. The head robber said ''We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat!''