&
Favorite
Nursery
Rhymes
•
Humpty Dumpty
sat on a wall,
I pushed him down
And watched him fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Rode by and slipped
on his albumen.

•
Jack and Gil
went up the hill
To take a poke at Walter.
Jack went down
on Walter's Crown
and Gill came too,
Soon after.

•
Simple Simon
Broke my hymen
Going to the Fair.
I said, "Simon,"
"That's my pie, man!"
"I ain't got a slice to spare!"
 
•
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
A knife
in his sister's thigh.
He said to the coroner,
"Though I am a mourner,"
"If you're not to eat her,"
"May I?"
•
Wee Willy Winkle
Ran through the night.
But I finally caught him
And did him right.
He screamed & squirmed
And put up a fight.
I soon found out why,
'Cause boy, was he tight!
 
•
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Legs wide open & splayed.
When down came spider,
Who crawled up inside her
And tickled miss Muffet all day.

•
There was an old lady,
Who lived in my shoe.
When I put it on
She turned into goo.

•
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack butchered his family
And moved to Canada.
 
•
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Rammed a mouse on to my cock.
Without a sound
I turned it around,
And watched it go into shock.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on. She says, ''Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''

He says, ''Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.''

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, ''That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00.''

She says, ''That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.''

He walks behind the counter to the register.

Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her—being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, ''That will be $25.50.''

She says, ''But didn't you say it was $20.00?''
He says, ''Yes, ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.''

A man from Atlanta moved to Denver.

As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in.

On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".

The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain. "Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story".

"I'll just take the cat," said the man.

"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman.

The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket. As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound.

On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him. The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the a Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him. "Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river.

All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.

The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat. "I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman.

  There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP.

  Ms.Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things.

  There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

  Here are the new words to this tune:

  Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
  Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
  Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
  These are a few of my favorite things.
  
  Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
  Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
  Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
  These are a few of my favorite things.
  
  When the pipes leak,
  When the bones creak,
  When the knees go bad,
  I simply remember my favorite things,
  And then I don't feel so bad.
  
  Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
  No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
  Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
  These are a few of my favorite things.
  
  Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
  Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
  And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
  When we remember our favorite things.
  
  When the joints ache, when the hips break,
  When the eyes grow dim,
  Then I remember the great life I've had,
  And then I don't feel so bad *

What did one ovary say to the other?

They must be going to have a party downstairs.

Life on the Silver Screen

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Usefull Expressions for High Stress Days

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet !!

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Airline Announcement

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

6a. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children decide now which one you love more."

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Mam," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

great sayings

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Steven Wright

These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I was driving along and I passed a gas station with 2 signs in the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and hired myself.

I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said,"Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long.

"My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use it.

I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is what started global warming.

I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.

During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and I told him this and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.

I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.

I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?"

If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn on my head lights would they do anything?

"Places I'd Rather Not Live In...

"Paradox, New York

Crapo, Maryland

Boogertown, North Carolina

Spasticville, Kansas

Hellhole, Idaho

Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about...

Climax, Michigan

Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?)

Hardup, Utah

Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi

Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Hornytown, North Carolina

Conception Junction, Missouri

It doesn't surprise me that there is a...

Rudeville, New Jersey

Boring, Oregon

Hell, Michigan

Hooker, California

Virgin, Utah

Dulls Corner, Maryland

Bowlegs, Oklahoma

Volcano, Hawaii

Beersville, Pennsylvania

Fleatown, Ohio

Burnt Corn, Alabama

Two Guns, Arizona

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never come across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question?

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story?

Two men went to party out in the woods with their brand new jeep and a case of beer. They finally got done partying and decided to leave. They took off on the trail and about 5 minutes later, an old man appeared in the passenger window. The driver noticed the old man and told the passenger to ask the old man what he
wanted, disreguarding the fact that the old man could keep up with the jeep, going 25 miles an hour. So the passenger rolled down his window and asked the old man what he wanted. The oldman replied "Got any tobbaco?" So the passenger gave him a cigarette.

The driver, now feeling spooked by the appearance of the old man, went even faster, now doing 50. 5 minutes later, the old man was back. The passenger rolled down his window and asked him what he wanted this time. The old man said "Got a light?" So the passenger threw a lighter at the old man. Then the driver floored it.

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilepeering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

6. Snicker as each person leaves the elevator.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

9. Meow occasionally.

10. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

11. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

12. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

13. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

14. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

15. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

16. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

17. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

18. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button."