Beware the hamsters! HAMSTERS ........

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me

there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room."He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my best loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son

holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's, just......just... excited?",my wife said.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter.

We jerseyites oughta enjoy this one.

To All that are REALLY JERSEY DRIVERS and to all that live in other states, basic guidelines to avoid accidents. Have a wonderful weekend!

Subject: Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.

14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner.

"Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider.

His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider.

The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.

New Shoes

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work everyday and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes.

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight,but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa,
do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rose answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true."

The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment.

This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.

More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the messed up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 AM there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!".

95% of all people have hemorrhoids.

The other 5% are perfect assholes.

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen:

have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.

I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.

I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.

The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.

If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass...

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!

Yours truly,

My brother Jack and I were riding the bus to Kansas City.

My brother Jack became sick and wanted off the bus.

I went forward to tell the driver, when I told him he became real mad and threw my brother and me off the bus.

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as: Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.

5 If YOU fatten up EVERYONE ELSE around you--then YOU look thinner.

Dear Boss,

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water
and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the
white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a crock-wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!