MOTHERS FROM HISTORY

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like
other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your
report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed
you to school, but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel,
mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you
throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your
allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you
invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and
get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you
have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his
grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question
anyway,

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?"

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respecet for their comrad, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"

They draw straws, Goldberg picks the short straw. They tell him be discreet and gentle not to make the situation any worse.

"Discreet, that's my middle name. I'll handle it."

He goes to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocks, the wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband lost $500 in the game and is afraid to come home."

"TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respecet for their comrad, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"

They draw straws, Goldberg picks the short straw. They tell him be discreet and gentle not to make the situation any worse.

"Discreet, that's my middle name. I'll handle it."

He goes to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocks, the wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband lost $500 in the game and is afraid to come home."

"TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respecet for their comrad, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"

They draw straws, Goldberg picks the short straw. They tell him be discreet and gentle not to make the situation any worse.

"Discreet, that's my middle name. I'll handle it."

He goes to the Meyerowitz apartment and knocks, the wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband lost $500 in the game and is afraid to come home."

"TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.

What's dumber than dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Nothing is faster than the speed of light...

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking.

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman.

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL "HIT PARADE"

* I'll be Sewing You

.* Red Cells in the Sunset

.* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma

.* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.

As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

Rated PG

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

19. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

21. Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

25. The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably enjoys a better diet than thirty percent of the people in this world.

26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Dirt Roads

What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.

There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.

People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride.

That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.

We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along.

There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.

Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun.

And there were no drive by shootings.

Our values were better when our roads were worse!

People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks.

Dirt Roads taught patience.

Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk.

For your mail, you walked to the mail box.

What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.

At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.

Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.

At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.

At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.

Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road!

After hiking for several days through rain and mud in Yellowstone National Park and the Grand Tetons, we decided to stop at a ranger station before going any farther.

Information helpful to trail users was chalked on a blackboard.

We walked over to read it and burst out laughing.Listed under "General Weather Conditions" was the simple statement: