A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter.

The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie.

She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.

After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ''Sweetie, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie!''

Believe It Or Not

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with cloth or piece of wood at all times.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

A tomato, a pickle and a dick were arguing about who has it the worst.

The tomato says, "I have it bad because I get cut up and put in salads."

The pickle says, "You think you have it bad. I get cut up and put on burgers."

WIZARD OF OZ - The Legend Continues.

Remember when Dorothy had her adventure in quest for the wonderful wizard of Oz?

A story you are likely to never forget. But few people have heard the other tales from that mysterious land..... Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored.

She spent her days just floating around in her little bubble and gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone to help or inspire.

One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lily pad. He looked extremely depressed... She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter.

“Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won’t you please help me?

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her wand over the toad, and his color changed to green...

That is, all except his ‘private parts.’ They stayed a bright yellow.

“Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They’re still yellow, while the rest of me is green!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear little toad. My powers are apparently not strong enough. Go see the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz.”

So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided.

Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz, floating around in her bubble. As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.

“Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won’t you please help me?”

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his ‘private parts.’ They stayed cheerfully pink.

“Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They’re so pink while the rest of me is gray!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you is the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of Oz.”

“Well, o.k., but where may I find this fabled ‘Wizard of Oz?’” asked the elephant.

Subject: 2036 news

News paper article from the year 2035

Castro finally dies at the age of 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has signed an executive order banning all smoking.

Spotted Owl Plague threatens western North America crops and livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria and Lebanon)Afghanistan is still closed off.

Physicists estimate it will take at least another 10 years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush announces he will run for President in2036.

35 year study indicates that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

Nursing home incident . . . Bill Clinton denies allegations of an affair with a Candy Striper.

Texas executes it's last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft is likely to focus on the use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists are stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars is now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players is now 9'7"

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes before installation is complete.

ONELINERS

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE SCREWING FOR VIRGINITY.

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

Signs You're Growing Up

1. Your potted plants stay alive.

2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel. You carry an umbrella.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date not just the beginning.

18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.

23. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never going drink that much again."

24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?".

When you step into a shower, which part of the body do you wash first?

a) chest
b) face
c) armpits
d) hair
e) privates
f) shoulders
g) other

Scroll down to find out your character type

The following describes your character:

a) Chest - You are practical person. Straight forward and do not beat around the bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see things your way. A good sex partner and willing to try new things. Your best partner in life will be those who chose d) hair.

b) Face - Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. Integrity and dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used and life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you but you are not concerned as to what they think. You are a VERY a self-centred person. You are an Average sex partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed in self pleasure at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will be those who chose e) privates and g) others.

c) Armpits - You are a dependable and hard-working person. Generally a very popular person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others. Tend to get yourself into trouble as you can't tell whether people are genuine towards you. Make very poor sex partners as you are the working type with average talent. Your best partner in life will be those who chose f)shoulders.

d) Hair - Artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot. Dedication is lacking but you will work tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not important. Friends are, but only intellectuals and fellow artistic types. You make the best sex partners as you are most willing to explore and please the other partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose a) chest and e) privates.

e) Privates - Shy type. You lack self-confidence and tend to be bullied by others. You do not have lots of friends as others find you boring and unattractive. Perseverance is not your strength and you tend to give up easily and at the first opportunity. However, you make an above-average sex partner. You are able to show your true emotions to very few people. Hence in sex, you find your inner strengths. Your best partner in life will be those who chose b)face and d)hair.

f) Shoulders - A born loser. You fail in everything that you do. People dislike you and you tend to spend your time alone. Your type have been known to be heavy gamblers and drinkers. You see the world as a living hell. Money and power is also important to you. But your luck will always fail you. You make a lousy sex partner. You will find it difficult to find a partner in life. Those who chose c)armpits are your only chance.

You Know You Grew Up in the 80's When...

You know what "Sike" means.

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."

You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

You can sing the McDonald's Big Mac, Filet-o-fish, quarter pounder and French fry song.

You know who Mr. T is.

You know who Fat Albert is. And who was the old boy with the pink mask?

You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

You could breakdance, or wish you could.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away

You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

You knew that knowing is half the battle.

You wanted to be on Star Search.

You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black.

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.

You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some.

You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

You knew "Rut row raggy" and "Zoinks."

You HAD to have your MTV.

You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

You owned only cassettes.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or the Muppets glasses from McDonalds.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You knew who Ben Stein was before you could win his money,

"Bueller?"

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ET, Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider, Strawberry Shortcake or A-Team lunch box.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf.

You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

You wore your Izod shirt with the collar up.

You had a Swatch Watch with the Swatch Guard.

Your Legos collection started with the free sets in a Happy Meal.

You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is.

You had to come in the house when the street lights came on.

You had to change into play clothes after school.

You owned or knew somebody with a Commodore 64.

You hated Scrappy Doo.

You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.

You wish you had a light saber.

Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80's" ("it's been 7 hours & 15 days...")

Your arm was full of rubber bracelets. You have ever said, "Gag me with a spoon."

You have ever wondered what happened to Saturday morning cartoons.

You had to get up to change the channel.

You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine on Sesame Street.

You thought the "Thriller" video was pretty cool.

You remember the first time you went into a video store to rent a movie.

You wore those wide, colorful shoelaces.

Quiet Riot's "Come on feel the noise" was the best song - ever.

You know where "I want my two dollars" came from.

You still cannot go in to the water because of that damn movie - Jaws

El Debarge's "Get a beat to the Rhythm of the night" plagued the radio every hour.

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

7) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

8) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

9) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

10) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

11) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

12) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

13) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

14) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

15) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

16) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

17) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

18) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report is on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

19) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

20) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

21) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

22) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

23) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

24) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

25) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

26) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

27) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

28) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Actual t-shirt slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now or Later "

5. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

6. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." (ouch!)

7. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 12 last names."

8. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

9. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

10. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

11. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

12. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

13. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

14. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

15. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."

16. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."

17. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

18. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

19. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

20. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."

Q: What do you call a flight attendant's vagina?