A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a motorcycle.

The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?".

The officer looks at him with a hint of caution, and says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back".

Useful descriptions of people you know

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Hey !

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.

He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey ! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey ! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks..."Wait a minute, my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. " ! Congratulations! You've won the lottery!

There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.

The other is used to carry groceries.

open mind:

Some people think they have an open mind

Q. Why can't you circumcise an Iraqi?

Q. Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Al Qaeda to Cut at Least 5,000 Jobs

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing incessant bombing by the U. S. led coalition forces, several money lines cut off and incredible overnight advances by the Northern Alliance, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors.

Al Qaeda said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and the cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures implemented since September 11th by most nations of infidels, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio.

"This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahadin," said Al Qaeda founder, president and CJO (Chief Jihad Officer) Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidels by my side since we were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenges by getting both leaner AND meaner."

"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our network's very survival depends on dramatic changes to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels."

The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact mainly Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq, with lesser effects impacting Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Malaysia and the Philippines. Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed. (note: Since Al Qaeda's top lieutenant and spokesman Mohammed Atef was most recently killed by a U. S. bombing attack, Al Qaeda and the Taliban has worked out a deal to combine the spokesperson's position into one as part of a wise and immediate cost reduction move.)

Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).

Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. However, the Al Qaeda statement did leave room for in-kind compensation thru the Muslim holy month of Ramadan should a US $30M bridge loan that has been in discussion for some time with some unidentified Egyptian and Saudi venture capitalists come to terms.

Al Qaeda's is the latest in a string of Islamic terror network layoff announcements, pushing the total of announced cuts in the last five days to over 10,000.

I saw a beggar who was so broke that he was standing on the corner shouting as the cars went by...

Did you know that diarrhea ishereditary?

It runs in your genes.

***********************************

Q: What happens when a paranoid person has low self-esteem?

Two hamburgers walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms."

Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends.

During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it.

When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. You know that Viagra drug has a tendency to keep working, anyway, I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....

Man 1: When I came to this country, I had nothing but a beat up old suitcase and the clothes on my back, but look where I am today!

I have millions in the bank! I have stocks, bonds & real estate valued in the millions! I live like a king, and do you know how I did it?

Man 2: Through hard work and perseverance?

Lone Ranger has not seen Tonto for a few days.Worried he goes in search of his trusted Indian friend and companion.

After two days of searching he finds Tonto lying on the ground.

Lone Ranger says, "Tonto you ok?"

Tonto replies, "White men come, on four horses, also have stagecoach with white lady in back. Third horse only wear three shoes on hooves."

Lone Ranger is well impressed. "Tonto I'm amazed, you can tell all this from listening to the ground?"

Cut this out and paste it in Next year's diary

Last April Fool's day my brother walked away from his desk.

When he returned to his desk, he noticed a note taped to his screen; it had the name of Mr. Lions and the number where he could reach this individual.

When he called the individual back, he got this really grumpy lady at the other end.