A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"

The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!" Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

Quotes

As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. But don't worry folks, it's still okay to smoke crack there. (O'Brien)

Woody Allen said in interviews that after so many years of seeing a psychiatrist, he's stopped. Well, you know... if you've been getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your daughter... it's obvious it's not working... (Leno)

A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper our of elephant dung. You've heard of number 2 pencils? Well... this will be number 2 paper. (Leno)

In a related story, Italian researchers say they've invented a car that runs on human waste. That means we could be stopping at Taco Bell for both food and gas.

According to the British medical journal the Lancet, people on Valium are 300% more likely to be in car wrecks. The good news is, they don't care! (Leno)

Cher admitted in an interview she has had plastic surgery, but denied she had a rib removed to make her waist smaller. She said she had a rib removed so scientists could make Calista Flockhart. (O'Brien)

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical.

The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball."

The executive typed, "Where is my father?"

The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My father's been dead for twenty years."

"Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way."

This time the executive typed, "Where is my mother's husband?"

The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years.

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.'' He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.

She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.

Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up.

Q: What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A: A wedding.

Q: What did the sign on the whorehouse door say?
A: Beat it - were closed

Q: What you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra?
A: Don King's hair.

Q: How do you circumcise a whale?
A: Just send down fore-skin divers.

Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Q: What you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
A: It doesn't mean dick

-------- Bad pick up lines --------

• Hi, are you legal?

• Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

• I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.

• Hey there! I bet you’d be better than beating off.

• I'm not trying anything. I always put my hands there.

• What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

• You smell. So, let's take a shower together.

• You'll be good enough for now.

• You're not attractive, but I bet you're great in bed.

• "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?"

• I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went into this cheap motel room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he asks.

"I just found out that I can get $400 a night in Las Vegas for what I give you for free!" she says.

So the man goes inside, packs his bags, and comes back outside.

"What are you doing?" his wife asks.

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.

The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Can atheists collect insurance for acts of God?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him..."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster... faster... “BUMP BUMP BUMP.”

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks it behind him.

The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heals of the terrified man.

The man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding...

With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops which he throws at the coffin... and the coffin stops and drops to the ground.

Two atoms are sitting in a bar,
atom 1(in a whisper):
"I think I've lost an electron"
atom 2: "Are you sure"
atom 1: "I'm positive"

*************************

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

*************************

Suddenly one of them had to piss.

he other guy agreed to hold on to him while the first guy leaned out a window.

Just then the dinnerbell sounded and the guy who was holding the other one completely forgot about holding on and ran down to get his food.

On the 20th floor he was stopped by his boss, who asked if the guy that he worked with was gay.

Amusing and Irrelevent Facts

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The condom, made originally of linen, was invented in the early1500s.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.