Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where their mother was cooking.

"What do you want for breakfast?" asked the mother.

"Shit, I want some fucking pancakes," said the first brother.

The mother slapped him across the face. "We don't talk like that in this house. Now, how about you, son?

I hope you've learned a lesson from your brother. What do you want for breakfast?"

"I've sure learned my lesson! You can bet your ass I don't want any fucking pancakes!"

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

Mine his bathroom.

Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."

Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Mix up his Rubik's Cube.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."

Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*

Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

Q: How do you scare a man?

A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice

Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day.

What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday

Q: why do women close their eyes while they are having sex?

A: they can't stand to see a man having a good time

A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, “Is this this good for wasps?”

HERE & THERE

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All of his feathers are combed to one side.

"A woman is like a teabag - yu never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." --Muhammed Ali

"I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese." -- Slowpoke Gonzales

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

"One man that has a mind and knows it, can always beat 10 men who haven't and don't."
--George Bernard Shaw

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing."
--Oscar Wilde

"Don't worry about people stealing an idea.

If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats."
-- Howard Aiken

"I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." -- George Carlin

"Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary engineers who worked on the original VCR.

His funeral service will be at 12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00..."
---Dennis Miller ;D

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.

The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. she got on a bus, and on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone.

The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received thebest news you could ever imagine. I have to share it withsomeone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs.

I was so happy, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." he said.

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:

- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead give away. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

A man settles down for a quiet evening of reading.

There's a knock at the door, but when he opens it there is no one there.

He goes back to his reading-- a little annoyed.

Another knock at the door. He gets up and opens it.

Again, no one there.

He goes back to his reading--more annoyed.

A third knock at the door--again, no one there--and now he's a lot annoyed.
He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep looking up at him.

He picks up the snail and hurls it angrily as far as he can.

Ten years later it happens again.

A knock at the door. No one there.

He goes back to his book. Another knock. No one there. He looks down and
finds the same snail on the doorstep.

''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''

''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''

''Man who run behind car get exhausted''

''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''

''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''

''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''

''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''

''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''

''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''

''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''

''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''

''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''

''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''

''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''

''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''

''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''

''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''

''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''

''Man who sit on tack get point!''

''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''

''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''

''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''

''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''

''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?

God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?

There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?

Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?

Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?