Kids

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Ginny, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay. After my next trip several weeks later, Ginny and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.

Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

A Sad Story

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories.

He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch.

''Do you have any stories you can share with me?''

The old guy says, ''Of course I do.

One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it.''

''Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?'' asked the reporter. '

'Sure do,'' said the man, ''One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it.''

''Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?'' ''

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance toCalifornia when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!

"She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!"

And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'dlike to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28?

Remember me?

Two days ago I insulted you?

I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at Four in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.

Q: What doesn't belong in this list?
Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob

A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or your wife but you
can't beat a blowjob.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around

Q: What do Rubics cubes and penises have in common?
A: The longer you play with them the harder they get.

Q: What's the difference between your pay check and your
cock(guys question)
A: you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: if the girl has to chew before she swallows

Q: what do you get when you cross Raggedy anne and the pilsbury Dough boy?
A: a red headed bitch with a bad yeast infection

Q: How canyou tell when an auto mechanic has had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean

Q: what's the biggest fish in the world?
A: A whore, if you catch one you can eat it for months

Q: what's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley

Q: What's green, slimy and smells like miss piggy?
A: Kermits finger

Q: what do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make them into a tire and call it a good year

Her Side/His Side

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

To embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to
his grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent
the wrong part, but then remembrs how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... It makes your nose look long."

This guy is at a dance and spots a really great looking girl at the next table facing him. So he walks over to her and asks if she would like to dance. She said, "I don't dance." He then takes her by the hand to lift her up when he notices she was in
a wheelchair. Feeling terrible he apologizes and says, "Allow me to take you on a date to make up for what I have done." She agrees to the next Saturday night.

He arrives to pick her up and meets her father, who is about 6'6 and 260lbs who informs him to be good to his little girl. They go to a drive-in and see a R rated movie and the guy gets pretty worked up but her being the way she was he does nothing except a lot of kissing.

On the way home she says she was surprised that he has not tried anything, and that she was horny as hell. He asks, "What can we do with the way you are?" She replies, "Stop at the big oak tree on the way home

They stop and she says, "Carry me over to the tree." He does and finds two ropes hanging down with loops in the bottoms. She says, "Put each one of my legs in the rope and we can get started." He does and they are there for about two hours before
he takes her home.

On the way home she says, "I just have to tell my dad about what a great time I had tonight and what a great lover you are!" He pleads for her not to and thinks he can get her to the door and be gone before she can do so.

When you think you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother:

"I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

When you think you have the worst job

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub.

As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard he Scotsman snoring loudly.

When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!"

Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

A guy is walking in the woods.

It starts raining real hard so he tries to find a place to stay.

He goes to the first house he sees and looks in the window. A girl was sitting there holding her titty and a guy was sitting there holdin his dick and an umbrella.

The man thinks to himself, "These people are too weird for me."So, he goes to the next house and looks in the window. The people there look pretty decent. He knocks on the door and asks if he can stay there for the night.

The guy that lives there says, "Sure, but why didn't you stay at the house down there?"

The man says, "Them people are too weird for me." The other guy says, "What were they doing?" T

he man says, "The girl was holding her titty and the man was holding his dick and an umbrella."

The other guy says, "They are deaf and mute so that's how they communicate."

The man asks, "What were they saying?"