Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''

2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. ''Now how did that get there?''

8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

Condom Brands

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.

Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...

Legend of the Maidens

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.

The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"

VIAGRA:

In an interview before Viagra....

Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him..

"Like shooting pool with a rope.", Burns replied.

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I heard that a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette River in Oregon and now .. none of the bridges will come down...

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The marketers of Viagra have a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin". This is better than the original, "Brace Yourself, Grandma!" (Leno)

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Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

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Did you hear they started giving Viagra to the old men in nursing homes throughout the U.S. ?

It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

Q: The difference between Niagra and Viagra?

A: Niagra Falls.

What's the new National Bird of Iraq?

Duck.

Why can't the Iraqis schedule driver's ed and sex ed on the same day?

The camels get too tired.

What did Saddam and his father have in common?

They both pulled out too late.

Why doesn't Saddam Hussein go bar hopping?

He can get bombed at home.

What's the difference between Saddam and a box of crap?

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.

One cannibal says, ''Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle.''

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, ''I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?''

The other cannibal answers, ''This is great! I'm havin' a ball!''

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.

She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers.

The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

The following sign is posted in the
front window of a local neighborhood business:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE JEW.

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.

Well, lo and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

One of the hookers said "No Kidding?!

Did you hear about the Instant lotto game in India?

I think I've found inner peace.

My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.

Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already.

"I'm Stupid" or "Duh"

1. I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

2. It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

3. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope - we talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

4. We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house and he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

5. I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. I did misjudge the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
through his basic questioning... ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked, "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm
delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

6. Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

Naming Disasters After Women

Why do they give female names to natural disasters?