Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''

Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

Interesting Facts

A multitude of weird things that you probably didn't know:

All porcupines float in water.

Armadillos are the only animals besides humans that can get leprosy.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, it has about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Norvelle Rogers is the real name of 'Shaggy' in Scooby Doo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

Cat's urine glows under UV light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

If a statue in a park is of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, then the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; the horse has all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said, "Play it again, Sam".

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

Starfishes have no brains.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

There. Don't you feel better for knowing all of that?

Rejected Childrens Book Titles

1. Some Kittens Can Fly

2. That's It, I'm Putting You up For Adoption

3. Grandpa Gets a Casket

4. The Magic World Inside An Abandoned Refrigerator

5. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

6. The Popup Book Of Human Anatomy

7. Strangers Have The Best Candy

8. Whining, Crying, And Kicking To Get Your Way

9. You Were An Accident

10. Things Rich Kids Have But you Never Will

11. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and your School

12. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things

13. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

14. You Are Different And That's Bad

15. The Boy Who Died From Eating All Of His Vegetables

16. Dads New Wife Robert

17. Fun Four Letter Words To Know And Share

18. Hammers, Screwdrivers And Scissors: An I Can Do It All Book

Life Stages

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

7) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

8) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

9) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

10) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

A boy asked his mother, "Why is my big sister named MoonChild?"

The mother said, "Because she was conceived when the first man landed on the moon."

The son continued, "Why is my other sister named CornFlower?"

The mother said, "Because she was conceived in a corn field."

"Why is big brother named ThunderingStorm?" he asked. She replied, "Because he was made during a storm."

32 Things I Bet You Didn't Know

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK!

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I know some people like that!

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! I knew it !

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this??

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. WHAT???

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. ??

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space....

Q: Why do sailors have tattoos on thier backs?

A: So their shipmates will have something to read.

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100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.

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The difference between bathing suits then and now:

•Bathing suits from the past: required that you open the suit to see the butt.

A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to "Make out Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act.

When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him was knitting.

He tapped on the window and said he was with the police department then asked how old he was and the guy said, " I'm 22 sir." "Well how old is she?" the officer then asked.

Questions and answers

Q: Why do women prefer to make love to hunters?

A: They go deep in the bush, they always shoot twice, and they always eat what they shoot!

Q: What does D.A.M. stand for?

A: Mothers Against Dyslexia

Q: How many men does it take to pop popcorn?

A: Three... One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove

Q: Why do women like smart men?

A: Opposites attract

Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A: A cherry float

Q: What is the definition of a foolish man?

A: One who thinks he understands women.

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

A: To show the Armordillo it could be done

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

gets pulled up for speeding. Being about 10 Km's over the speed limit, the cop announces that the guy will be fined $200. Naturally, the isn't very happy.

"What if I got outta this car and beat the shit out of you? What would happen to me?" he said. The police officer explained that such an action is called "Assaulting a police officer" and could result in imprisonment.

"Okay then," says , "What if I call you a shit?"

The cop then explains that this action is called "Insulting a police officer" and results in a hefty fine.

"Right" says , "What about if I think you're a shit?"

The officer explains that thinking is not against the law, and freedom of thought permitted anyone to think anything they liked.

thought for a minute and said, "Well I think you're a shit!"

A lady was on her way to the elevator one day feeling very good about herself and just had to tell the next person she met how she felt.

As the elevator doors opened, she spotted a man and exclaimed, "TGIF."

To which he replied "SHIT."

Confused by this response, she tried again......"TGIF."

The man again, only smiling slightly this time, answered "SHIT."

The lady started to lose her edge a bit and with a forced smile, once again said "TGIF."

And once again the man replied "SHIT."

The woman looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, but TGIF means 'Thank God It's Friday.'"

Wacky Sayings

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

Save water. Shower with your girl friend.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents and Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start day than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, three's the result!

A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Facts

- At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon....

- Despite the many rat infested slums in New York City, only 311 people are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers....

- No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right....

- The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11 story building....

- Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day....

- There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million....

- During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, 'Moby Dick', only sold 50 copies....

- The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco.... When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, "Darling, you have stolen my liver."

- Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't matter whether they are in front, behind, or beside them....

- A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don't greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses....

- The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play....

You owe nothing (true story)

A couple of months ago I got a statement from a credit card company saying that I still owed $1.22...this was strange since I had already paid the balance in full. I called and asked for an explanation, and got some nonsense I suppose someone somewhere understood...something like a recursive finance charge. So I sent in a check for $2.00. Now, the credit card co. sends a statment so long as you have a non-zero balance. So they are now spending 32 cents a month to tell me I have a balance of 78 cents.

touchee.

OBsomeoneelsescreditcardpaymentHack:

You know, that reminds me of the article about 5 years back from a guy who
got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away.

Next month he got another, did the same thing.

The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.

He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."

An Unfortunate Accident

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"