"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theatre Guild, please."

"One moment, please." ........Pause....... "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theatre Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*! I said *Theatre*! The word is *theatre*. T-H-E-A-T-R-E"

Osama bin Laden, feeling unwell and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th.

CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day.

Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an
alligator.

Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.
         
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source.

It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building.

He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.

So it must be true.

Q: Define "Egghead:"

A:What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. 

Hear about the guy that swallowed his viagra pill too slowly? 

... Now he has a stiff neck!

Q: What is the difference between a submarine and a marine? 

A: Nothing a sailor will go down on both of them 

Definition of a nice Greek Boy: 

A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.

Question:
How can you tell if you have acne?

Answer:
If the blind can read your face. 

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a penis!"

"Everyone in the office is sick.

Apparently, it is a staff infection."

*******************************************

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Hose down a leper

********************************************

Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Key West, Fl. ?

A: With a crowbar

***********************************************

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson have in common?

They were all born on holidays.

*******************************************

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing.

"Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married."

"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."

************************************************

Q: Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

We've been  notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terroists  working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could  find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin,  in the office.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.

-- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

*******************************************
The best ten years of any woman's life
comes between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty.

You know you drink too much coffee when...

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."

* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

ALLY McMEAL

Did you know they have a new meal at McDonalds?

It comes with 1 Chicken McNugget, 1 French Fry and a large Diet Coke.

Its called "The McBeal Meal "

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

A really hot beautiful blonde was about to jump off a bridge tokill herself.

As she got ready to jump, Santa Clause came walking down and he said, "Now hold up a minute missy. Step down from there. I am the real Santa Clause."

Surprised, she stepped down and said, "What?"

Santa said, "This may sound weird, but I am the real Santa Clause. I am allowed to make one surprise visit per Christmas, and you looked like you needed a little help. What's wrong?"

"I have been working at my job for three great years and I got fired today. I thought to myself, whatever doesn't kill me can make me stronger. So I went home to my great husband of five years only to find him fucking my best friend! So I said to myself, 'I lost myjob, my boyfriend and my best friend, I have nothing else to live for!'"

Santa said, "Alright, I can clean up this mess if you could do one thing for me." "Anything," the blonde said. "How about a blow job."After about 20 minutes of bliss for Santa he said, "Thank you.When you go home, you will have your husband, best friend, and job back."

She said, "Great!"

Santa said, "One more thing, how old are you?" She replied, "24.Why?"

Odd Thoughts

- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

- Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody listens to you.

- Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn't have it you won't either.

- If women can have PMS then why can't men have ESPN?

- There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead's.

- Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

- Isn't it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one busted condom?!

- Mid-life is when your realize you are so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

- Middleage is when you choose your cereal for the fiber and not the toy.