Do-It-Yourself Country-and-Western Song Generator:

I met her __________(1);

1.
on the highway
in a tattoo parlor
outside Porter
at a truck stop
on probation
in a jail cell
in a nightmare
incognito
in the Stone Age
in a tree house

I can still recall _________ (2);

2.
in September
at McDonald's
ridin' shotgun
wrestlin' gators
all hunched over
dead all over
sort of pregnant
with her father
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin

she wore_____________(3)

3.
that purple dress
that little hat
those training pants
the stolen goods
those Daisy Dukes
that plastic nose
the Bush/Cheney pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid

She was ______ (4)
4.
sobbin' at the toll booth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
weighted down with Twinkies
breakin' out with acne
crawlin' through the prairie
smellin' kind of funny
crashin' through the guardrail
chewin' on a hangnail
talkin' in Swahili
drownin' in the quicksand
slurpin' up linguini

_____ (5),

5.
in the twilight
but I loved her
underneath the overpass
near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu

and I knew _______(6);

6.
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she'd bought her dentures in a store
that she would be a crashing bore
I'd never rate her more than "4"
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I'd have to scrape her off the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor

______(7)

7.
I promised her
I knew deep down
She asked me if
I told her shrink
The judge declared
My Pooh Bear said
I shrieked in pain
The painters knew
A Klingon said
My hamster thought
The blood test showed
Her rabbi said

I'd ______(8) forever;

8.
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hate her dog
pick my nose
play "Go Fish"
salivate

She said to me ____(9);

9.
our love would never die
there was no other guy
man wasn't meant to fly
that Nixon didn't lie
her basset hound was shy
that Rolaids made her high
she'd have a swiss on rye
she loved my one blue eye
her brother's name was Hy
she liked "Spy Vs. Spy"
that birthdays made her cry
she couldn't stand my tie

But who'd have thought she'd _____(10)

10.
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it
black out
bobsled
grovel

___________(11);

11.
with my best friend
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on "The Gong Show"
with her dentist
on her "Workmate"
with a robot
with no clothes on
at her health club
in her Maytag
with her guru
while in labor

_________(12) goodbye.

Dear Abby,

I wouldn't mind being the first speaker tonight if it wasn't for something the Master of Ceremonies told me during dinner.

A guy meets a childhood pal: "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

I'm a fireman.

Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.

Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so you kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again: Well, did your son become a fireman?

Mary: Toward the end of our marriage, my ex was losing his, uh, well, virility.

Jill: Well, why didn't you suggest Viagra to him?

Mary: Oh, no! That would have been too much like being in an amusement park.

Jill: WHAT?

Mary: Oh, yeah! You know, you wait an hour for a 60-second ride!

Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............ Hi there, how is it going?

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but, finally, I say: Not bad.

Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: Well, I'm going to Biloxi.

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: Look, I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!

- JOHN

P.S. The Grand Casino in Biloxi is very nice, we're at the pool now, I'm watching a guy in the pool, on his cell phone drinking a Budweiser ... looks like a great idea!

DID YOU KNOW WHO IN 1923 WAS:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest Wheat Speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

THESE MEN SHOULD HAVE BEEN CONSIDERED SOME OF THE WORLD'S MOST SUCCESSFUL MEN. AT LEAST THEY FOUND THE SECRET OF MAKING MONEY. NOW CLOSE TO 80 YEARS LATER, DO YOU KNOW WHAT BECAME OF THESE MEN?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The President of the largest gas company, Edwar Hopson died insane.

3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The Greatest Wheat Speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

THE SAME YEAR, 1923, THE WINNER OF THE MOST IMPORTANT GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP, GENE SARAZAN, WON THE U.S. OPEN AND PGA TOURNAMENTS. HE BECAME A VERY WEALTHY MAN.

Boy Band Application Form

1. Which of the following best describes your background in music?

I once blew across the top of an empty bottle to make a whistling sound.

I played bongo drums in my sixth grade band class.

My mom made me listen to an Elvis Presley album when I was a kid.

My uncle used to play the accordion.

I've always wanted to be a rock star - does that count?

2. If you play a musical instrument, would you be willing to give it up to be in the group?

Yes.
No.

3. How would you describe your singing?

Less irritating than the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard.

Less irritating than Roseanne singing "The Star Spangled Banner."

More pleasant than a barium enema.

4. Are you familiar with any of the following dance moves?

Pelvic thrust.
Heart clutch.
Butt shake.
Crotch grab.

5. How many hours per day do you spend fixing your hair?

5 minutes.
2 hours.
4 hours.
I never stop fixing my hair.

6. What is your favorite type of hair product?

Shampoo.
Conditioner.
Gel.
Mousse.
All of the above

7. At least one member must have a goofy haircut.
Are you willing to be that boy?

Yes.
No.

As long as I'm not also the younger boy who doesn't get to sing a solo until the third CD.

8. Would you be willing to be the younger boy who doesn't get to sing a solo until the third CD?

Yes.
No.

As long as I'm not also the boy with the goofy hair.

9. Are you be willing to be manufactured, molded, exposed and humiliated by a bunch of big shot producers on TV?

Yes.
No.

As long as I'm not the boy with the goofy hair.

10. Do you mind if every other boy on the planet thinks you're a total fruitbat?

Yes.
No.
Maybe.

As long as I'm not the boy with the goofy hair who doesn't get to sing a solo until the third CD.

11. Can you sing to a chubby girl on stage without laughing in her face?

Yes.
No.

Only if I'm the boy with the goofy hair.

12. Can you fill any of following essential roles in the group?

Buff boy.
Buns o' steel boy.
Square chin boy.
Shy boy.
Sensitive skin boy.
Ambiguously gay boy.
Pissed off bad boy who never smiles and brings publicity to the group by getting arrested for drunk driving.

13. Two identical conducting spheres carry charges of +3 coulombs and -1 coulomb, respectively. If the spheres are brought into contact and separated, the final charge will be:

-2 C.
+1 C.
+2 C.
-1 C.

I don't know, but I look great in cargo pants.

14. What is your real reason for wanting to join a boy band?

Money.
Chicks.
Prospect of a spin-off acting career.
Chicks and money.
I love the music - I mean, chicks.

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

There was a farmer who raised watermelons.

He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a cleveridea that he thought would scare the kids away forsure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign andpost it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelonsare missing but he notices a new sign next to his.

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "Good, I'll take a box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

First Blood

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says to the other, “Whoa! What’ up with your ding-dong?”

“I’ve been circumcised,” says the boy. “They cut the skin off the end when I was two days old.”

“Did it hurt?” asks the first.

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your
new boyfriend?"

Daughter to Mother: "He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke. In fact, he has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."