Here's something for you babyboomers, a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!

Three days a week is okay.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

CHICAGO, IL - Scientists at Loyola University have proved what many of us have suspected all along - exercise is bad for your health.

Dr. Harold Crampe of Loyola University and his colleagues spent six months studying the effects of exercise, comparing a group of men aged 20 to 50 who walked or ran at least 3 times a week with a control group of men in the same age range who spent the same time on the couch, watching TV.

Dr. Crampe says they were surprised by their findings. "You have a 4000% higher risk of being hit by a car or other motor vehicle, if you're out running," he says, "and some of the other risks are even higher."

Runners and walkers were nearly 3 times more likely to be attacked by dogs, 5 times more likely to sprain or break a limb, and nearly 50 times more likely to be struck by lightning.

"You're even 12 times as likely to be mugged," says Dr. Crampe. "Normally, when we study things like this, we find small effects at most - a few percentage points difference between the groups. In this case, we're seeing double or even triple digits or more!"

1972 vs. 2002

What a difference 30 years makes:

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends Rated G

1972 vs. 2002

What a difference 30 years makes:

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father,"Daddy,is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son.God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks,"Daddy,is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

"Mom's Brownie Recipe"
_____

Here's a recipe to make Mom's Famous Brownies!

*Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

*Melt one cup margarine in saucepan.

*Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "No, no."

*Add margarine to two cups sugar.

*Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

*Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

*Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

*Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

*Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

*Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

*Take telephone away from Jr. and assure the party on the line the
call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

*Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

*Let cat out of refrigerator.

*Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

*Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

*Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

*Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

*Frosting -- Mix the following into saucepan: One cup sugar, 1 oz
unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine.

*Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it
away -- far away.

*Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman that you
didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for
the street.

*Put Jr. in playpen.

*Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for
2 minutes.

*Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

*Tie Billy to clothesline.

*Remove burned brownies from oven.

YUMMY!!!

Too Many Idiots on the Road

Have you ever noticed there are more idiots on the highway than
anywhere else?

I don't mean this in a bad way. I've just heard many motorists refer to other drivers as "idiots."

"Look at that idiot," they say. "His turn signal has been on for 20 minutes."

Someone who runs a red light is almost certainly an idiot. Perhaps
even a stupid idiot (as opposed to a smart idiot).

Someone who drives faster than about 85 miles per hour is also an
idiot. So is somone who drives under the speed limit.

Somehow, no matter how hard you look on the highway, you'll never find a genius. With so many idiots out there, you'd expect to find at least one genius. But I have yet to see a cop pulling over a perfect driver to shake her hand. I have yet to hear a motorist say, "Did you see that guy? He just made a perfect turn. He's a genius."

Even if a woman drives her entire life without a single traffic
violation, no one will bring it up at her funeral. No one will say, "Helga was such a good driver. The highway will never be the
same."

Unfortunately, the highway has only two types of drivers: normal
drivers and idiots. Once you're an idiot, it's tough to become a
normal driver. Especially if your insurance company has moved you
to the idiot class.

You make one mistake, cause one accident, and suddenly you're paying much more for car insurance than rent.

To save you some trouble, the insurance company asks you to mail your paycheck directly to them. "We can spend it more wisely," they say. "You're an idiot."

Realizing you can't afford to have another accident, you decide to be extra-cautious on the road. You hesitate when merging with traffic. You resist passing an Amish buggy. You even stop at a yellow light. Guess what? You're an idiot again. The driver behind you is certain of this. He honks and yells, "Go, you idiot. What are you stopping for?"

Before long, you forget all about your accident -- you're only human -- and you turn into Mario Andretti again. You drive so fast, you even manage to pass a tractor-trailer. But your luck runs out again and a cop pulls you over. He listens to your excuse: "I'm sorry, officer. I'm an idiot."

The cop has no sympathy. He has already ticketed 89 other idiots.
Some thought the speed limit was only for people with cheap cars.
Others were trying to save gas. A few were certifiable idiots: They were in a hurry to get to their in-laws. Your insurance company gets word of your ticket and cancels your policy. They'd rather insure Mike Tyson. Now you're stuck being an idiot. Everyone sees you thumbing a ride. And drivers like me just smile.

I know what it's like to be an idiot. I once ran a red light by
accident. My Mazda was struck by a mini-van and spun into another car. A cop arrived at the scene in an instant, popping out of the car I had just dented. This accident almost put me in the Idiot Hall of Shame. But the selection committee decided to save room for Halle Berry.

Considering how many idiots are on the highway, it's a wonder normal people drive with them. It's almost like handing out guns at the post office. It would make more sense to erect new signs on the highway: "Left lane reserved for idiots." The left lane would be packed, leaving the right lane safe for your great-grandmother.

Of course, some people shouldn't be allowed to drive -- the ones who drink and drive. These people are guilty of driving while D.U.I. (Definitely Ultimate Idiots). They get an automatic entry into the Hall of Shame. For at least five years, these people should be forced to hitchhike and drink nothing but prune juice. Some might consider this cruel and unusual punishment. As for me, I'd rather keep the roads safe. Besides, the prune industry could use a boost.

CHURCH BLOOPERS!

Here's church bloopers from church bulletins, message boards, sermons,
announcements etc. Enjoy!

Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and
drip in the collection basket.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give
the medication.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12
thru 17.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around
the church building and the rector.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the
foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's
Cathedral.

The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Fifth Sinday is Lent.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing
asunder of soup and spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

THE UNITED STATES

ONE DOLLAR BILL

Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design.

This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.

If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.

If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States.

The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark.

This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization.

The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.

"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.

If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people". Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.

But think about this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin above,
13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum",
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits, and if you look closely,
13 arrows.
And, for minorities:
the 13th Amendment.

I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.

New Liars Club Hard To Find

BOSTON, MA - A new club for compulsive liars has opened in Boston. The only trouble is, it's darned hard to find.Jeffrey Finch, the owner of the new club, is happy to tell you where it is
"Unfortunately," he says, "I lie."

Also, the address printed in the phone book gives a location that turns out to be the public library.

The new club, which has between a dozen and several thousand members depending on who you ask, is already quite popular, despite being such a challenge to locate.

"We try to maintain a friendly, low key atmosphere," says Finch, "except on Tuesdays, when we all beat each other with sticks and scream obscenities."

Not surprisingly, the club is a favorite among local politicians and radio talk show hosts.

LIVE TO BE A HUNDRED!

Jeanne Calment, at 120 years and counting, is the oldest living human
who's birth date can be authenticated. When recently asked to describe hervision for the future, she replied, "Very brief."

From Win Arn comes another quip about an aging woman. When the reporter asked the birthday girl what she like best about being 102 years old, she answered, "No peer pressure."

Hiccups Cure Being Tested On Mice

ATLANTA, GA - Scientists still don't know what causes hiccups, but they think they have finally found something that will cure them. Early studies indicate that hiccups might be easily stopped in many less serious cases by methods easily available to the average person.

The trouble is, testing the solution on mice is proving difficult.

"Hiccups are caused by an excitation of the diaphragm," explains Dr. Henry Liu, and although we know some things that may help cause them, we don't know their exact cause."

"We give the mice a lot of beer, and play of a lot of the music normally heard at frat parties," says Dr. Liu, "and then we feed them a lot more pepperoni pizza than they would eat normally, and switch them to red wine, followed by straight tequila." Although not every mouse is susceptible to the regimen, enough are that the experiment can continue to phase 2 - curing the hiccups.

Everyone has his/her personal trick to stop hiccups.

"We tried tiny paper bags on their heads," says Dr. Liu, "and spoonfuls of sugar, and removing all the oxygen, to simulate holding their breath. Some worked a little, but nothing worked all the time, and nothing worked quickly."

The scientists think they're on to something, though.

"We dunk them in ice water for 2 minutes," says Dr. Liu, "and then we make them listen to William Shatner's rendition of 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', and it's just like magic. They're practically paralyzed."

A Farmer's Will

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and
fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet and snow for the funeral please.
No sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big
enough.

The Time Of Your Life (C. Clarke, author)

So, the other day, over my morning coffee, I figured out the root
cause of all of humanity's problems. The problem is that we have far, far too much time on our hands. And we get bored easily.

I came to my conclusion after reading about the latest extreme sport. For those of you who don't know what extreme sports are, some examples:

Heli-skiing - This is where a helicopter crew throws a skier out onto a part of a mountain so inaccessible and dangerous that mountain goats have posted warning signs. You slide down a slope on two sticks you have carefully waxed to eliminate all possibility of speed control. There are only two ways to stop: A) Hit a tree and B) Hit a rock.

Bungee jumping - This is where you tie yourself to a rope and throw yourself off a high bridge, for the express purpose of turning your stomach inside out when you come to a sudden stop. I suspect that this sport was invented by a manufacturer who had to quickly find a market for a bad batch of rope that had gone all sproingy.

Snow boarding - Enthusiasts strap both feet to a single piece of
board and slide down a mountain in the most awkward way possible: half sideways. Snow boarder dexterity is greatly enhanced by the
fashionable clothes (dropped crotch pants, toques pulled over the
eyes), and performance drugs (the stuff that Clinton didn't inhale.)

Now the latest entry in this type of sporting activity is... extreme ironing.

The object of this, erm, `sport' is to do the best ironing job on five items of clothing while, say, being suspended off the side of a mountain, floating on the water, or sitting on the roof of a moving car.

Personally, I always thought ironing was challenging enough as it is. There are all kinds of potential injuries, including: steamed face, hot flattened fingers, sudden ironing board collapse and railroad track creases down your pants.

Or so I've heard. My own technique for wrinkle removal is to throw
my clothes in the `ironing basket.' Over time, heat and pressure
(as the pile gets higher) slowly changes the structure of clothing
fibres in the lower layers, resulting in "petrified pants" which
are now permanently wrinkle free. The average time for petrification is 20 years, which, happily, is the same length of time it takes fashion makers to bring back retro styles. I'll continue using this method until we get the "smart" clothes we've been promised. By that I mean shirts that are smart enough to know better than to wrinkle in the first place.

But I digress. The other new (poisonous!) extreme sport is "scorpion (poisonous!) sitting" wherein people lock themselves in small cells with 3000 (poisonous!) scorpions for roommates. The idea is to break world records (currently 32 days) for endurance.

Actually, this is a sport in which I could compete. In my house,
there are no less than 5,478 spiders, some of which look like they
could be poisonous. Some of the species are quite large too, with
a leg span of about four inches if you squish them properly.

This means there are webs everywhere - so many that I think that for Christmas, we will simply disguise the Christmas lights as flies and let the spiders string them up. In fact, we could hold a
neighborhood competition for extreme spider decor-

See? Humans are easily bored. We need better causes. I need a cause.

Just don't ask me to save the scorpions. Or iron.