One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6:00, I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

The greatest lovers from England, America, and France were in acontest to determine who was the world's greatest lover.

First question was to the Englishman: "If you are on a first date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Englishman: "On her lips."

Judge: "That's right."

Second question was to the American: "If you are on a second date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

American: "On her breasts."

Judge: "That's right."

Third question was to the Frenchman: "If you are on the third date with a woman and you want to kiss her, where do you kiss her?"

Frenchman: "Don't ask me, I missed the first two questions."

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."

He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up?"

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair, his illegitimate child, and the drop in Rainbow revenue since September 11 that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.

"He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity, and he doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment much less the drop in financial support. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"

A good friend will come bail you out of jail...................
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted,"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! "I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you. "He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our cabin at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

WORDS OF WISDOM

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.

Later, they passed some more people that remarked, what a shame he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."

And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."

To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the
showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home."

Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!"

Watch your thoughts, they become your Words

Watch your words, they become your Actions

Watch your actions, they become your Habits

Watch your habits, they become your Character

Watch your character, it becomes You!!

(Author Unknown)

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!

Alabama:

1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a
vehicle.

California:

1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for
anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:

1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per
hour.

2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee
has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:

1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana:

1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor
ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:

1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:

1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she
"cannot hold onto the ground."

2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisana:

1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:

1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and
securely locked.

3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Nebraska:

1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp
during a church service.

New Mexico:

1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York:

1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way."A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota:

1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or
restaurant.

Ohio:

1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma:

1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being
licensed by the state.

3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania:

1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas:

1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont:

1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.

Washington:

1. All lollipops are banned.

2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

Hurricane Preparedness

Since we are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, any day now , you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic and make two basic meteorological points:

One There is no need to panic.

TWO We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll be hit by the "big one". The best way to get information on this topic is to ask people who were here during Hurricane Andrew (we're easy to recognize, because we still smell faintly of bug spray mixed with gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan.'

Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
at least three days.

Step 2. Put these supplies into your car.

Step 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until at least Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. If you're one of these people, you will want to clip out the following useful hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a storm is brewing, you will not be able to locate it.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE. If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get as long as your home meets two basic requirements;

(1) It is reasonably well-built and
(2) It is located in Nebraska

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because they might actually be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you and annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house plus your first born male child to be in perpetual bondage for the remainder of his life.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home
insurance companies. This week, I am covered by Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy that states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to both my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all windows, all the doors and - if a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

PLYWOOD SHUTTERS: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS: The advantage is they are very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"HURRICANE PROOF WINDOWS: These are the newest thing in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows but will stand up to a locomotive hitting them at 120 mph with a full load on. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. HE lives in Nebraska. (That's also where they were tested)

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives etc. You should, as a precaution,throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming
pool, you should have one installed immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have any deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane will turn THEM into harmless objects)

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine if your live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several hundred miles long, only yards from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. DO NOT BUY THEM NOW!!! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible second, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with total strangers over who will get the last can of SPAM or Beanie Weanies. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 different flashlights. 4 portable radios. $167.00 of batteries
that turn out to be the wrong size for either the flashlights or radios. Bleach. (I'm sorry but I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional so GET some.) A 55 gallon drum of Deep Forest OFF for the mosquitoes which will follow the storm. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane but it looks cool.) A large quantity of bananas to placate the monkeys. (Ask anyone who lived through Andrew, after the hurricane there WILL be irate monkeys) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man named Bubba and who has no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching Dan Rather in a slicker stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over again how vitally important it is for everyone to stay away from the ocean. At that point, if you've prepared all you can, there's frankly nothing left for you to do but pray.

Or you could drive to Nebraska. Good luck and remember, it's great living in a tropical paradise.

20 Ways to say "Your Fly is Open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test,you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...

"Put your sweater on;don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX....

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age,you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...

In class today we all had to give 1 minute presentations. One guy told a joke that goes something like this. (he over ran by about 30 seconds but the lecturer let him carry on because we needed to know the end of the joke!)

There is a guy named John who has a 50 inch todger. He goes to the doctor and lays his manhood out on the table.

"Its so huge I can't do anything with it and it frightens the ladies"

The Doctor scratches his chin. "This is a witch that I think you should go and pay a visit"

So John goes into the forest and finds the witch's house. It's a cottage with a large pond in the garden. He knocks on the door.

"You have to help me its frickin huge"

He lays his 50 incher out for the witch to see.

"Now my boy I see what you must do. Walk over to the pond and approach the Frog. Ask it if it would like to marry you and if it says NO your todger will shrink"

John is really happy so runs over to the pond. He sees the frog and walks up to it.

"Oh magical frog will you marry me?"

The frog replies "NO"

John looks in his pants and to his amazement his todger has shrunk from 50 inches to 40.

"Oh this is fantastic" says John aloud to himself.

He decides to try once more.

"Oh magical frog will you marry me?"

"No" replies the Frog

John looks down to see that now his manhood has shrunken from 40 inches to 30.

John thinks he could try it once more to shrink his todger down to 20 inches (A perfect size)

John looks the frog in the eye and asks again

"Oh magical frog will you marry me?"

"NO, NO and for the last time NO" replies the frog.

WORDS WE NEED!

Words That Don't Exist, But Really Should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove'all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

GHOUGHPHTHEEIGHTTEEAU

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbor

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The the right way to spell POTATO should be..GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU