Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window...

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

Septic Tank Truck sign reads: "We're #1 in the #2 business".

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to endoscopies: "To expedite your visit please back in"

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."


On the trucks of a local plumbing company "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in yourbill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry .Come on in
and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Weather Report........................

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days recently and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... true story...

Ann Arbor Michigan has a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked.......

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Hilarious Quotes From Sports Commentators

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Dave Morrow - Offsides Call at an Alabama Football Game" "Well, it looks like Coach Brad Bradford is using some of the same techniques that were used against him last week because all night long, the Trojans have really been "jerking the Tigers off!"

US TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Signs You're Too Fat For Your Pants

You've lost the feeling below your ankles.

When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.

When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.

The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.

Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.

People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"

The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.

It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.

When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.

SEASONED CITIZENS (aka Senior Citizens)

Experiment 1:

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As
soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most
of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

Rat poison only kills rats.

It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Chicago Mayor, Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came
to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."

He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up?"

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jesse Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extramarital affair and his illegitimate child,
that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and he doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"

Report Card Truths: How to Decode a Report Card

1. COMMENT ........................... 2. INTERPRETATION

A born leader .......................... Mafia "Godfather" type

Easy going .......................... Lazy

Lively nature .......................... Thoroughly disruptive

A sensitive child .................... Never stops whining

Helpful .............................. Pest

Reliable ............................. Informs on classmates

Co-operative ......................... Teacher's pet

Difficulty forming stable relationships .. I can't stand him either

Self confident ....................... Cheeky little s.o.b.

Friendly ............................. Never shuts up

Easily distracted.... Has not produced a decent piece of work all year

Needs encouragement ............... Thick as a brick

Is easily upset ................. Spoiled rotten

Clever with hands ............... Light fingered

Reads well aloud ................ In love with his/her voice

Inclined to day dream ............ In one ear and out the other

A quiet child ................ Lacks self confidence and initiative

A solitary child ............... Personal hygiene problems

A vivid imagination ............ Never short of an excuse

Open to suggestion .............. No mind of his own

An inquisitive mind ............ Caught playing doctors and nurses

Popular with classmates ......... Brings in obscene reading material

Easily influenced .............. The class fallguy

Why are radical Muslim terrorists so quick to commit suicide?

Let's look at their lifestyle:

No premarital sex.

No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.

No booze. None.

No TV. No cable TV.

No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.

No Hooters.

No titty bars.

No organized sports of any kind.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's.

Women have to cover up everything!

Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Many camels.

Sand. Damned sand everywhere!

More sand.

Ever fish at an oasis?

Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe your ass with your left hand.

Rags for clothes and hats.

Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung chips.

PRISONS

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

"Warning"

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?

False Alarm

There's a banging on old Joe's country shack in the middle of the night.

He gets up, rubs his eyes, opens the door:

It is the Grim Reaper grinning and he’s pointing a finger at him. "You come with me!"