What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run?

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile and said, "Master,may I grant you one wish?"

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman given' me nuthin'" barked Bin Laden.

The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.

" Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said "okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed "Now leave me alone bitch!"

The annoyed genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD --- Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:

I decide to do some work on the car, head for the garage and notice the on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car.

BUT FIRST, I'm going to go through the mail. Lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on the my desk...

BUT FIRST, I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills...Yes, now where is the checks book? Oops, there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?

Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter, and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just put them away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and...AAAAGH! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot! OK, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks.

END OF THE DAY: oil in the car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, check book still has only one check left, lost my car keys and when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled. I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious...I'll get help...BUT FIRST...I thin I'll check my e-mail.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

There was an American an Englishman and Bin Ladin standing on top of the Empire State building.

The American says to Bin Ladin "This building is made suicide proof, if you jump off it, the contours of the building will force winds up that push you back on top."

Bin Ladin replies, "You silly little American Bin Ladin wants proof show me this is true".

The American hesitates then jumps over the side.

Bin Laden shakes his head and laughs when suddenly WHOOOOOSH, The American is blown back on the roof.

Bin Ladin says"This pleases me,I will try". He goes to the edge and jumps over the side.AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH SMACK!!!!

He hits the sidewalk DEAD.

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both, denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Eulogies

1. And finally, let us meditate on his last words - "Warm up my goddamned bedpan you ungrateful, good-for-nothing retard before I -ACK!"

2. I loved my son! I loved my gay son! I loved my gay, tax-evading, alcoholic, armed-robbing ex-convict son whose real father was a crackhead street hustler who went by the name "Little Miss Meat Saddle!"

3. She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.

4. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children.

5. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.

6. She was a woman well ahead of her time, whose near-legendary promiscuity set the gold standard for generations of post-Women's-Lib tramps.

7. There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in!

8. And through our tears of grief, let us endeavor to never forget the flatulent hilarity that ensued each time Uncle Mikey graced us with his presence. Surely the Seraphim themselves are pulling upon his finger at this very moment.

9. The French have a term, "le petit mort." It is ironic that in his obsessive pursuit of this so-called "little death," that Dan's own flawed autoerotic asphyxiation techniques should lead him to such a big, honkin' drawer-soiling demise.

10. Bill was not a rich man. He was not a proud man. He was not a successful man. Nor was he especially attractive, articulate, or even remotely respected. Neither was he particularly well-liked or hygienic. So I suppose, what I'm really trying to say is... there's cake back at the house and if we hurry, we can probably catch the second half of the Bulls game.

11. And while it is truly a tragedy when someone so young is taken from us so unexpectedly, it is doubly heart-wrenching in circumstances such as these, when a promising career in direct-to-video adult entertainment is cut so terribly short.

12. His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt.

13. Hers was a pure, goodly, and chaste life, which helped to ensure that her heart, liver, and kidneys were especially desirable on the organ transplant black market.

14. Tom consumed life with zeal. Positively gorged himself on it. In fact, if life was the frozen carcass of an extinct mastodon, partially emerged from a shrinking glacier, Tom was the ravenous jaws of a starving coyote, blindly feasting upon its gamey goodness.

15. Behold our beloved grandmother... her crooked, nagging maw silent and still at last.

16. And let us pray for Earl's sake that they have reruns of "Mama's Family" in heaven. Or God help God.

17. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to honor #456-B's life before consigning him to lot #5, space #A-16. Praise God.

18. Ladies and Gentlemen: Put your hands together for everybody's favorite stiff: Marty! I know you're wondering how Marty got to the funeral home from the hospital - he drove his CARcass! Har! Har! Try the veal!

19. I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't get over that I totally survived that same car accident! Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked off like what's-his-name here.

20. Let us give thanks that the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, took our dear sister to heaven in her prime, thereby proving his benevolence and love for us all.

21. He used to look up at me and it was so difficult to talk, because he had four or five chins, and he'd wheeze, "Just fifty… more… pounds." And then he'd eat seven or eight Twinkies and a couple of cheeseburgers. I've never known such steely discipline. He died reaching for a dream.

22. I don't think I'll ever get over him. But if anyone wants to try and help me, I'm in the back by the boxes of wine.

23. I hope she's in a happier place. But let's be honest: you don't get struck by lightening during a sunny day because God loves you, you know? Still, we can HOPE.

24. Frankie Two Thumbs wasn't a bad guy. You know what I'm talkin' about? He could make a mean baked ziti. And he smelled good, always with the fancy cologne. So it is with deepest respects that we fill his stomach with concrete and toss him in the East River.

25. Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die!

26. What can I say about the recently deceased? I didn't know her personally, but members of her extended family have contributed generously to my parish. God bless!

27. As the proprietor of this funeral home, I can honestly say that never before has such a magnificent sample of corpus delicti crossed over my embalming table.

28. A last wish is a last wish. So, according to his will, we will now shoot Ted out of this cannon into the ocean while the local high school madrigals sing "Yesterday." Man, even dead he's high maintenance.

29. She seduced my husband, spread vicious rumors about me, and got me fired from my dream job. That's all I want to say really, I just want to be in the front of the line when we start burying the bitch.

30. Without further adieu... who wants to douse the coffin in gasoline and who wants to hammer this broken broomstick through the asshole's heart?

31. I loved him more than any other man. Sure, sometimes I peeked at others, but that's completely natural. And okay, sometimes I squeezed, grabbed, and stroked too - but that doesn't mean I didn't love him with all of my heart.

32. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust - wait a second - that's a nice ring. Anyone mind if I try it on? Not like he's gonna notice! Anyone?

33. Okay, whoever painted Dad up like a circus clown better confess now, or I swear to Jesus Christ when I find out who it is, I'll bury them WITH him.

34. I remember old Harry. We had some good times. Like the time we were driving drunk on that dark road and ran down that old lady and kept on driving. The memories come back, don't they?

35. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with his Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables.

36. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Except maybe less debt, because once those vultures are done picking through the will, I'm gonna be left with enough money for a whiskey sour, a hot fudge sundae, and a roll with an octogenarian streetwalker!

37. For whom the bell tolls? It tolls for thee. But later. The bell really tolled for Carol here. Tolled so much she mysteriously caught fire after the third car ran her over.

38. It's always sad when God calls a child home. But in the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, smoked too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see you later.

39. I'm sorry… I don't usually get choked up. But anyway, sprinkle a little of Jenny's ash in the bowl and pass the ceremonial bong. We promised her we'd smoke her up, man. And we are!

40. I have already apologized to his family, and to his friends. But let me do it again: I am sorry for stealing my best friend Dave's body and doing that funny "Weekend at Bernie's" thing. But it was our favorite movie - and dragging him around to a bar seemed like the right thing to do. I had no idea he was so... delicate.

41. As you know, Jeff bought the ranch while doin' his favorite ho, and I like to think he'll have that great big gap-toothed Jeff-grin on his mug for all eternity. Yo' and if you see a skanky-looking blonde with tattoos on her hands driving a black beemer, call the cops - the bitch took his keys!

42. Here lies my son, Mr. Rich Big Shot. You'd think he could spend 25 cents on a phone call to his mother before killing himself in one of those fancy hotels with the bidet and everything.

43. My husband's funeral is going to cost me almost ten thousand dollars. So forgive me if I'm pissed off that he's not wearing any pants! I paid for pants! I don't care if the coffin covers his waist. Furthermore: Stanley never wore rouge!

44. We all knew Chris to be unusual in life… as well as death. Anyway - he really, really, really wanted y'all to eat this paté. He force-fed himself with oats and stuff for weeks before kicking off just to make sure the paté had a smooth, rich flavor.

45. I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.

46. One more toast to the old bum! God rest his soul! And may we all stay oblivious to the crippling irony of a bunch of emotionally immature alcoholics getting bombed so that they can pretend to deal with the death of a friend who was so drunk he killed himself and a family of six sitting in the window of that Arby's at the intersection.

47. What happens to us when we die? I have no idea, but holy fuck am I terrified. And I'm a priest, for the love of Christ!

48. In conclusion: I want each of you - all four hundred of you - to join me in song and take up the little milk bones that were just passed out. Take up the milk bones and toss them in little Poopy's casket. He'll need them in Doggie Heaven!

49. I know you're shocked to see me here, but listen: a verdict of innocent is a verdict of innocent. High priced lawyers and head in the refrigerator or not, I'm innocent and I'm gonna miss this bitch as much as any of you bozos.

Bottom 50 - Holiday Gifts

1. AIBO Organique - The robot doggy who excretes cyber-poo!

2. A handsomely bound leather volume of the suicide poems of Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath, with a forward by Dr. Jack Kervorkian

3. Fingernail-sized oil portraits of The Golden Girls, painstakingly rendered on actual human fingernails

4. A genuine sharkskin scrotum-vest

5. "The Limb-Deficient Child" - a coffee table book

6. Glow-in-the-dark rave dentures

7. The Fisher-Price "L'il Military Tribunal" playset

8. Three-year subscription to "Playtranny"

9. A rare scholar's edition of "Lord of the Flies" - with original drafts: "Earl of the Beetles," "Nobleman of the Leafhoppers," and "Duke of the Aphids"

10. A lawn gnome incendiary grenade

11. "Jeffrey Dahmer's Christmas Cookin'" recipe card set

12. All-weather quilted nipple pasties

13. Life-sized animatronic Al Roker intimate companion

14. The key to unlocking repressed childhood memories of forced cigar burns on your forearm for spilling paint in the garage like the STUPID, CLUMSY BRAT YOU ARE!

15. Norelco Posterior Growth Neutralizer

16. Gift certificate good for 1 free clitoral hood piercing

17. Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris Official Mascara Trowel

18. A romantic weekend for two at the New Jersey Turnpike Exit 24-A Motel Six Motor Lodge

19. Microsoft's "BabyWorks" - Child rearing for busy parents

20. Nineteen uninterrupted hours with that fat chick from accounting telling you every plot line of last season's "Friends" in excruciatingly mind-numbing detail

21. Runny eggs - really, really, really, really, really, really runny eggs - in a box

22. A t-shirt that reads, "My Parents Went to Bangladesh, and all I Got Was this Lousy Adopted Leper"

23. A burning tire

24. A pet chimpanzee (who's all frigid)

25. Susie Homemaker Punishment-Oven - With fire-resistant restraints

26. Daisy Cutters for everyone!

27. A $20 gift certificate from the local Rolls Royce dealership

28. A live tricephalic Cro-Magnon fetus

29. An antique milk carton (unopened)

30. A scrapbook full of "Marmaduke" clippings

31. Erotic photographs of irresistible wads of succulent mucus clinging to the tonsils of Luciano Pavarotti

32. Waterford crystal "cock and balls" candle holder

33. A night of moist and drunken bliss with the red curly-haired, rubber-faced comedian of one's choosing

34. A signed copy of the Yellow Pages

35. A personalized jar of celebrity vomit

36. A year's supply of Marlon Brando Shortening (made from real Marlon Brando)
37. Mulch

38. A holiday gizzard basket

39. A bouquet of mismatched socks

40. A locket of synthetic Britney Spears belly button lint

41. The blissful oblivion that only copious amount of cheap vodka can bring

42. The "Gut Jiggler" electric weight loss corset

43. Jack Daniels Pour Homme

44. "A Very Special Full House Reunion: The Buxom Years" DVD

45. A bushel of genetically-grown "Bananabeef" - The ready-to-eat meat you peel!

46. The false perception that your co-workers respect you

47. Combination Nintendo Gamecube joystick & Ritalin dispenser

48. A delicious little frosted teacake that makes you become very tiny! Tiny enough to fit through a keyhole!

49. A pair of Kip Winger's lust-stained jeans - complete with airbrushed dragon on the left leg and an actual, original ass-print from the hard rocker himself

Bottom 50-Wedding Toasts

1. To Suzanne, the chunkiest anorexic I know!

2. To hundreds and hundreds of hours spent watching television!

3. To K-Y Jelly, and lots of it!

4. To Clyde Poppenhoffer's Krazy Kazoo Orkestra, whose dignified rendition of "Just the Two of Us" brought hot tears of nostalgia to our eyes!

5. To getting so drunk that we all swap wives for the night, then feel so ashamed we never talk again!

6. To the beautiful fetus and determined shotgun owner who brought us here today!

7. May your goiter always smell of roses, and your upcoming rhinoplasty not transform you into a piggishly deformed freak.

8. To Starfire - may you continue to believe that Tom's of Maine products control your B.O.

9. May your powder room toilet always be clogged with diamonds.

10. To my parents, who murdered each other after thirty years of thundering boredom and misunderstanding!

11. May your domesticated beasts produce compost more fertile than our promiscuous daughter Camille.

12. May those pictures of you with the lotion-slicked gourd be removed from the Internet.

13. Here's to the biggest fake tits God ever saw fit to give to a man.

14. May freshly pedicured Cossacks dance merrily in your succulent borscht!

15. To Fred, a real miserable bastard with some seriously creamy thighs!

16. Viva la Chilitos!

17. To a great writer on his birthday. May you one day actually finish the stupid-assed screenplay you've been blabbing about endlessly for the past FIVE years.

18. I like big butts and I cannot lie!

19. May leather-clad angels twist your naughty, naughty nipples in Heaven above.

20. Here's to being homeless, morbidly obese, and riddled with impetigo!

21. To Phyllis, who silently endures my flagrant philandering!

22. May your crack pipe always be caked with resin.

23. To peace in the Midwest!

24. This is His body, this is His blood -- watch out stomach, HERE COMES GOD!

25. May your leg be gruesomely severed in a work-related accident, allowing you to suckle at the luxurious teat of federal benefits!

26. May Allah protect you from vindictive hunchbacks!

27. To Fred - the best damned middle manager I've ever sphincter-tongued!

28. May your horse run as swiftly as an idiot's fleeting thoughts, and may the Dingoes of Prosperity drink from your finger bowl!

29. To my lovely new wife - may my brother continue to give you earth-shattering orgasms.

30. To Rex - the sweetest, most lovable Pit-Bull to ever tear the throat out of my unsuspecting neighbor.

31. May your wet nurse stay milky, and your home tutor never fall ill from dyslexia!

32. May all your babies be born with healthy flippers.

33. To the United Colors of Benetton - giving a non-threatening face to diversity through trendy mall fashion since 1984.

34. To Jim and Sandy - you won't last more than a year.

35. To veal - the cutest pack of protein on four immature legs kept anemic in a tiny cage until it's heartlessly butchered by a thick-necked, wife-beating redneck.

36. To Bad Company, whose rocking tunes that remind us what love really means.

37. Congratulations on that promotion - you suck a mean cock!

38. To Jack Daniels, who convinced most of us to even bother showing up at this lovely, wonderful family reunion with the open bar.

39. To George W. Bush, whose Office of Faith-Based Giving made the L. Ron Hubbard Teen Indoctrination Stadium a beautiful reality!

40. To Phish! Giving privileged, pothead undergrads a focus of slavish devotion since 1994!

41. May all your gay cousins be named Miguel.

42. May you never be serenaded by a mongolian throat singer.

43. Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of topless…

44. To Sam - my oldest and dearest nemesis.

45. To Carpooling!

46. May Judge Judy smile mercifully upon you.

47. To our dear friends the English, and their endearing indifference to orthodontia.

48. To Rosie O'Donnell - for making cellulite fashionable again.

49. To Maureen, who taught me to appreciate the subtle, yet undeniable artistry of Paula Abdul.

Urban Legends

1. One time during a concert, Alice Cooper cut open his own abdomen, pulled out his intestines, and totally jumped rope with them!

2. If you mix pop rocks with gasoline and Styrofoam, you get napalm!

3. You've heard about how Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen, but the crazy thing is that his brain is kept in a fishbowl that sits atop a giant mechanical spider, from which he continues to run his company with a cruel, arachnid efficiency!

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken doesn't use real chicken. All their food is really made from an experimental gristle slurry that gets poured into molds around balsa wood "bones" to affect a poultry-like facsimile.

5. My cousin's old boss works at this hospital in Florida, and one time, Richard Gere came in complaining of abdominal pain - and so they looked up his butt, and there was digested food in there!

6. American cheese is made from real Americans.

7. Once, these two kids were making out in a car, and they heard on the radio that this guy had escaped from the lunatic asylum, and that he had a hook for a hand. A second later, they heard a scraping at the door of the car and so they sped away. Later, when they stopped the car, attached to the handle was a bloody hook with a strip of condoms and a pamphlet about safe sex!

8. This woman bought a dog in Mexico, and they told her it was a Chihuahua, but when she brought it home, she discovered that in reality it was a wire-haired fox terrier!

9. After the pet rock fad of the 1970s, thousands of New York mothers flushed the unwanted pets down the toilet and they made their way to the sewers and just kind of sat there, at the bottom, slowly eroding.

10. So when my dad was a kid, there were these people who lived down the street from him, and one night their dog came home with a neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth, and it was dead. And so they were like, "My God! What are we going to do?" So they decapitated their dog, and offered its head to the neighbors as a gesture of apology.

11. I swear this one's true: the Mikey kid, from the Life cereal commercials, died because he ate some arsenic, and washed it down with cyanide.

12. A friend of a friend told me that her sister knew this guy who read the "Satanic Bible," went insane, and started to eat roaches. He ate so many roaches they nested in his gut and like, developed an entire civilization!

13. Not only were Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis the same person in real life - they were also a seven-foot tall Samoan - rendered grotesquely miniature by camera tricks!

14. "The Phantom of the Opera" is, like, a totally made-up book. But the book was BASED on the "Phantom of the Truck Stop," which is totally true.

15. Apparently the guy whose job you have was fired after he got caught masturbating in the supply closet with binder clips on his nipples and a fistful of correction fluid!

16. I heard this one guy say that the brother-in-law of this other dude did a keg stand for 12 hours straight and tapped it completely! And because it was Lite beer from Miller, he became forever irresistible to hot chicks wherever he went and got lots and lots of hot and heavy anonymous sex action!

17. This buddy of mine who works in San Francisco - he knows this guy who worked for a DotCom company that wrote a business plan, broke even, cut costs, and is on the road to profitability!

18. My friend's old girlfriend's sister knows this guy who used to work at Pizza Hut, and he said that when they were making the Cheese Lover's pizzas, they used to put huge shards of broken beer bottles in them!

19. There was this kid at my cousin's high school, and he shaved off his eyebrows, and when they grew back, they were so soft and manageable, he decided to grow them out and start wearing them up.

20. Don't open mouth kiss for too long, because the sperm can wiggle up your throat and in her mouth and down her throat to her eggs. IF SHE SLIPS YOU THE TONGUE YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!

21. Dude, there were never spider EGGS in HUBBA BUBBLE, and there were never spider LEGS in BUBBLE YUM. But there were spider PELVISES found in MARZIPAN in Liechtenstein!

22. There was this girl in my high school, and everyone called her "Hot Dog," because she liked to, well... you know, and sometimes they'd get a little... stuck. Anyhow, my friend's mom was an ER nurse and came home one night and asked my friend, do you know this girl (name omitted for privacy)? And my friend said yeah why and his mom said that she was there for hours and hours last night 'cause her appendix burst and she died.

23. Ozzy Osbourne once went on stage, ate a LIVE bat, crapped the bat out, and ate the crap!

24. You know that girl who played Jan Brady? Well last year, my uncle's fishing buddy's chiropractor was at the mall, and he saw her at a book signing, and she was wearing a cotton sweater!

25. Dry humping for too long causes a multi-colored, highly contagious, bleeding skin rash that can kill you!

26. An ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine told me about this girl who ate LSD and was convinced she was a glass of orange juice, but then totally freaked out when she realized she wasn't the variety that is fortified with calcium!

27. I bumped into the optometrist of the wife of an old neighbor of mine and he said that she said that she overheard her local deli owner talking about how people really shouldn't watch football this Sunday. I'm just saying better safe than sorry, right?

28. Back in the 80's, there was this one pro football player, and he was using so many steroids, that one night, when he went home and was lifting weights - he turned into a member of the Village People!

29. This guy I know who was traveling in South America said he knew this alcoholic guy who went to a bar, and was served a drugged drink. He woke up in a bathtub of ice with fresh stitches on his torso. It seems someone had surgically removed his liver, and replaced it with another perfectly healthy one!

30. My friend told me about this article in the paper: they caught this huuuuge great white shark in Florida - and when they cut it open, like, a whole IKEA living room set fell out!

31. One time, Keith Richards had done so much heroin, that he went to this leather shop, and they peeled off all his skin in one long pelt, had it tanned, and stitched it into a totally bitchin' pair of pants!

32. My ex-boyfriend's best friend's sister and her husband went away on vacation to Tijuana one time, and when they came back, their house had been like, mad burgled, and the only things left were their toothbrushes and their really nice camera. Luckily, the insurance took care of most of the loss, but when they finally got the film developed, they were in for a really horrible shock that almost made them sick to their stomachs. In every single one of the photographs, they'd forgotten to set the light meter properly and none of the pictures from their Derby Day party came out very well!

33. The Christian-Science Monitor did this story about a guy in Texas - and he became a total millionaire by charging people admission to sit in his living room recliner - which had a mustard and ketchup stain that looked exactly like Jerry Falwell and Jesus Christ shaking hands!

34. Get this: E.T. was actually based on a small, gray, wrinkled homeless man with long fingers and a glowing heart who Stephen Spielberg caught rooting through his trash one time.

35. This chick who works with my best friend claims to know a bartender who served this other chick a drink who says she said that she had just slept with the brother of the assistant to the manager of Huey Lewis's new national tour.

36. If there's an emergency on Death Row - like no electricity or something - some states have pits of hungry tigers as backup.

37. Elvis is alive and living in Palm Coast, Florida. He loves Stouffer's boil-in-a-bag Fettuccini Alfredo, The Sopranos, and his curio cabinet of Harry Potter collectibles.

38. My cousin's friend's mom's hairdresser went to Mexico last spring and brought back this really gigantic cactus for his atrium. Well, one day a few weeks after he got back, he noticed it was kind of swelling and moving. He called his friend and his friend said, "Oh my gosh! You have to get out of there!" He was lucky he did in time, 'cause for no apparent reason, the cactus was stuffed with the rotting, gassy corpse of TV's Hervé Villechaize!

39. Someone told me this one was in a real published magazine: in an anatomy class at Yale Medical School, this student doctor found a pickle in a jar of penises!

40. In my hometown there was this guy who tried to kill himself by jumping off a bridge but when he jumped, he landed in a passing yacht filled with young, widowed Swedish nurses and now he lives in Sweden with a harem of gorgeous babes.

41. There was this girl who dropped out of my aunt's high school back in 1979, and she took a bus to New York City, and got mixed up in the whole Times Square drugs and prostitution scene, and six months later she was dead - from a brain aneurysm!

42. If you use a towel after your dad, you can get pregnant - but not with a regular kid - with a terrycloth kid with soap dish eyes.

43. If you get married you'll live happily ever after. (Really you live happily for awhile and then you hate each other. Then you realize you love each other, but usually not at the same time. And then your kid comes in bitching that things aren't fair - cause she's a teenager - and she screams she hates you and runs to her room and you say, "Get your ass down here, dinner's ready!" She says, "I'm going OUT!" and slams the door. She forgets her keys and comes to get them and you laugh in her face and she throws the food you worked your ass off to defrost on the floor. You scream, "That's IT - no college!" She says, "Fine!" You say, "Fine!" Then you take pills and pass out to network sitcoms. You wake up and see an episode that mirrors what just happened and you start crying and call your brat on her celly and she's crying too 'cause she saw it at her friend's. She comes home and you hug and feed her the food you scraped off the floor. Oh yeah, and where the hell is your husband?)

44. My sister's old boyfriend's exchange student knew this mechanic, and one time he was fixing the back seat in Queen Elizabeth's limousine, and he looked under it, and there were totally all these boogers that she had wiped down there!

45. When you pledge fraternities, on hell night, they make everyone get totally naked, sit around in a circle, and stitch rug-hook placemats!

46. There was this guy who used to work in the same office as my brother's friend's mom, and when he left, they looked on his computer, and checked his internet bookmarks, and they were all for kiddie origami sites!

47. There was a girl and one time she smoked pot by herself and it was laced with angel dust and she got really messed up and thought she could dance, so she danced on "Soul Train" and like made such an ass of herself, that P. Diddy stole some moves from her, cause you know, P. Diddy dances all wack and shit.

48. If you drink two whole cans of Diet Dr. Pepper through a straw in your nose, you'll totally hallucinate that you're outside flying kites with Maria Shriver!

49. One time my friend's sister's neighbor said she went to Number One Happy Lucky Szechuan Wonton restaurant, and was eating the General Tso's chicken - and then found a dog paw in it! And the weird part was - there was no MSG in it!

Bottom 50 Punchlines

1. And so the rabbi looks at the priest and asks, "Do all Catholics wear bacon Speedos?"

2. So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician!

3. "That's no woman! That's my wife! My wife the circus gorilla!"

4. And so the blonde says, "DeGaulle's hyperbole was merely a smokescreen obscuring the fundamental flaws that marked this healing society's desperate clamber back up the ladder of greatness."

5. Rectum? Damn near anally penetrated 'um!

6. So the personal injury attorney says, "Ha! Even the prostitute imprisoned in my basement dungeon could do better than that!"

7. "What, you've never seen a hotel in an asshole before?"

8. So the Texan says to the Greenpeace volunteer, "Wanna go make out behind Fuddruckers?"

9. And so Phil Lesh says, "Duuuuude! That wasn't Jamaican Gold - it was a pile of my bunion shavings!"

10. "If you think that's good, wait till you see the floor show - which will no doubt be more outrageous than the incredibly outrageous thing that just preceded it!"

11. "What paté? This is my stool sample."

12. "Look, I'm still a dog. Just because I speak and hang out at bars doesn't mean I can't feverishly lick the sweat from my own balls."

13. Then the doctor says, "No, now it's MY turn to cough!"

14. So the farmer's daughter goes, "Daddy's been sucked into the thresher!"

15. "Asthma? But I thought you said you would run away with me!"

16. So Johnny says, "At least my cancer's in remission, Mister Malignant Tumor-Pants!"

17. Then Bea Arthur says, "You'll never know raw passion until you've slithered between Estelle Getty's soft and wanting thighs."

18. "Two! One to hide INSIDE the cardboard box and one to secrete!"

19. That's when Bill Clinton starts shouting, "Filibuster me harder, Senator Fuckhorse!"

20. "Achhk, you bahhhhhstaaard! That's not me bagpipe!"

21. The moral of the story is: Don't count your lesions before you scratch.

22. That's when the redneck says, "You yankee college students sho' is dumb to buy this here goat gin when there ain't no such thing!"

23. "Well captain, you told me to keep the cockpit clean!"

24. And the mother superior starts screaming, "Okay, whose nipples are whistling?!"

25. "Then the fat cannibal turns to the skinny one and goes, "I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe."

26. "I don't care how hard-up you are, nobody masturbates to the Pottery Barn catalog."

27. The next day, the big-city businessman calls the emu farmer and says, "I want my money back! Every time we get in the shower together, she starts molting!"

28. "For a deaf/mute quadriplegic, you sure can sure sing and dance like a rhinestone-bejeweled Broadway angel!"

29. Desi goes, "Look, Lucy - I just hear little Communist voices - I don't 'splain 'em."

30. So Jesus turns to Judas and says, "Why do you always have to be such a castrating bitch?"

31. "I'm not a serial killer. I just stalk people parked in their cars, indiscriminately kill and mutilate them, then scamper away into the darkness."

32. The Judge Adjutant General, now visibly agitated, responds, "Yeah, well your mother offers her loins to the sexually ravenous the way a butcher advertises rumps, flanks, and rib-eyes in the window of his store."

33. "Dalai Lama, Dolly Parton - there's a difference?"

34. The third cowboy remains silent, stirring the coals with his 8 foot long, petrified blue whale phallus.

35. "Mom... um... remember that huge band aid you gave me for my sore? I think I lost it in that big pot of beef stroganoff you made for your boss in hopes of getting that big promotion."

36. [See Kant, "Critique of Pure Reason," pg. 79, paragraph 3.]

37. And so Snow White says, "Prince, shmince... I catch you crotch deep in a pool of horny Dwarves again and I'll finish eating the damn poison apple!"

38. "That's no lady, that's Maury Povich!"

39. And then Icarus says, "Fly?!! I thought you said let's get HIGH!?!?"

40. And the pigeon was like, "Hey man, don't be getting' all up in my feces!"

41. "Yeah?" says the meter maid. "You should see me when I'm clog-dancing topless!"

42. So the waiter says, "Madam, that's not a fly in your soup - it's a tiny, tightly-woven spool of pubic hair."

43. So the precinct commander says, "Cocaine? Tastes like regular old angel dust to me!"

44. And so the drunk shouts, "Laugh at me if you want, but let me remind you that you're all overgrown, emotionally stunted adolescents who can't make an informed, adult decision or even honestly face the wasteland of your pathetic life without filling your eyeballs with enough beer and liquor as to distort these painful facts."

45. "Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!"

46. And the first guy says, "Note to self: no more urinary bleeding!"

47. And so she decided to start dating the poet.

48. And then Osama says, "Omar! The next time you sit on my prayer rug, at least have the decency to wipe the camel dung off your sandals!"

49. And so Vanna White says to Mother Theresa, "At least I'm not a ______?____!"

Bottom 50 Ways to Say "I Love You."

1. "The empty sex we've had thus far has been good enough to justify attempting to forge an emotional bond."

2. "Your resemblance to my mother sets my Oedipal complex ablaze!"

3. "If my heart were a baked potato, I'd serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream."

4. "Your lousy personality isn't quite so lousy after a few drinks."

5. "I care for you so much, I'm unable to even conceive of our inevitable divorce."

6. "The other day I saw this little girl drop her ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, "I'm the same way when you don't call when you say you will."

7. "I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn't run screaming. So there."

8. "I've grown sufficiently fond of you to stop sleeping with your best friend."

9. "You are to me what an eye patch and parrot are to a pirate."

10. "You don't know it, but this is the musical montage part of the movie. Let's split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge."

11. "You're all that stands between me and an long, lonely life of masturbation."

12. "You make me want to poo little chocolate hearts."

13. "I am the pork, you are the beans."

14. "I've grown so accustomed to your ubiquity, I would most certainly be impacted emotionally if you were to disappear."

15. "You are my personal emotional parachute."

16. "If you were a margarita, I'd drink you till I puked."

17. "I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you."

18. "If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I'd lean against the far wall, stare creepily at you all night, then hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch."

19. "I don't love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely."

20. "I'll still want to ravage you even when you're old, fat, and ugly."

21. "Tonight, I shall shave my entire body with a rusty razor blade and take a
balsamic vinegar bath for you."

22. "If you were scabies, I'd never change my underwear."

23. "Normally, when people ask if they can borrow my 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee, I totally tell them to fuck off. But I guess you could maybe borrow it if there was like an emergency or something."

24. "If you needed a kidney transplant, I'd donate - and I'd throw in a bonus lung."

25. "The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into close proximity."

26. "You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus."

27. "While you're in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck."

28. "Life without fellatio from you would be a life not worth living."

29. "If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I'd gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, and defrost you."

30. "You are the hole in my donut."

31. "When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket; obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, the shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That's like you."

32. "Our dysfunctional co-dependence fills me with all-consuming contentment."

33. "I'm not saying we shouldn't see other people. I'm just saying I'll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat."

34. "I am your blank check - and you are free to bounce me all night long."

35. "If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline-filled fish tank, I'd feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body."

36. "I want nothing more than for us to sire offspring who will one day despise us."

37. "If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park, I'd totally pick the second one."

38. "You're such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let's forgive each other, get drunk, and screw."

39. "If I was smart, I'd follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner."

40. "Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper, I'd also buy you a beer and a basket of fries."

41. "So, like, hey. Wanna go to 'Burning Man' with me?"

42. "I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you're the hottest babe in sight/ Come home with me so I don't get in a fight/ I agree with what you said. You are always right."

43. "I'm highly unlikely to meet anyone who comes closer to marginally adequate than you."

44. "Not only would I die for you, I'd bitch-slap Satan a good one, too."

45. "Look: you're the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I clean my shotgun."

46. "Now that you're sleeping here two or three nights a week, I guess you could bring over a toothbrush or something."

47. "I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your giant, beautiful face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt too good. And then you turned into a praying mantis and ate my head - and I liked it."

48. "I could smoke five packs of you every day - and relish each and every eventual tumor."

49. "Let's set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow, wasn't that just like that moronic movie Reality Bites? You've never seen it? It's awesome in a totally 'stupid loser' kinda way."

College Courses

1. Creative Writing 505: Mining Molestation

2. Psychology 6708: Insipid Patient Confessions and Self-Medication

3. Political Science 404: It's Not Lying When It's "Spin"

4. Home Economics 304: Being Just Another Baby-Maker

5. American Studies 215: 100 Years of Potted Meat Profiteering

6. International Relations 101: Demanding That Foreigners Speak English

7. Lesbian Studies 205: Emma Goldman and the Munching of Righteous Carpet

8. English 202: A Painstaking Review of Every Mediocre Essay Published by The Bitter, Self-Obsessed Professor

9. English 291b: Language Disorders and the Litertitary Tradision: Gardate Sernimar

10. Philosophy 117: Pretending to Comprehend Kant

11. Human Sexuality 303: Oedipus or Lolita: Men Can't Win

12. Applied Mathematics 312: Stochastic Processes, Dynamical Systems, Applied Differential Geometry, Biological Applications of Theoretical Mechanics and Scientific Computation, Interdisciplinary Modeling, and Geophysical Fluid Dynamics for the Liberal Arts Student

13. African American Studies 155: Language, Discourse, and Verbal Style in the Motherfucking African Diaspora

14. Physics 210: General Theories of Relativity or Non-Relativity, Depending

15. Astronomy 207: Advanced Analysis of 1000s of Photos of Nearly Identical Rocks from Remote Celestial Bodies

16. Psychology 1303: Creative Neurosurgery

17. Federation 133: Post-Vulcan Narrativity Paradigms in Romulan Literature

18. Celtic 138r: The Yrgle Opwsich, The Prdll Choergl, and The Mabinogi - Distinguishing Genuine Celtic From Horseshit

19. Government 1750: Nationalism in International Relations, Internationalism in National Relations, Relationalism, and Gnashed Innards

20. Geology 101: A Rock is a Rock is a Rock: The Quarterback's GPA-Booster

21. Art 205: Scrotums and Penises in Rennaisance Sculpture

22. American Studies 405: Senior Seminar: Dispelling the Pipe Dream of Employment

23. Anthropology 250/Philosophy 250: Perfecting Pronunciation of "Paradigm" in Pretentious Discourse

24. Women's Studies 208: "Bitch, Fix Me Dinner!" - Embracing the Reality of Domesticity

25. Theatre 120: Adjusting Your Sissy-Pants Beret and Cape

26. Music 260: Smooth Operating: How John Coltrane LP's WILL Get You Laid

27. Modern Culture & Media 160: Justifying the 30 Hours of Shitty Cable You Watch Every Week by Writing Vacuous Essays Laden With Repulsively Gratuitous Verbiage

28. Sociology 227: Field Research: Mating Patterns in the Coastal Saloon Ecosystem

29. Physical Education 201: Unleashing the Bully Within - Crotch Taping, Indian Burns, and Dispensing the Perfect Swirly

30. Computer Science 101: This Year, You Need to Take More Than Just This Class to Score a $75K Gig at Some Retard Dotcom

31. Business 105: Big Pimpin' - The Relative Non-Ease Thereof

32. Chemistry 412: I Sing The Mushroom Electronic: Seminar in Advanced Comparative Hallucinogens

33. American Studies 109: From Jennifer Love Hewitt to Sarah Michelle Gellar - Navigating Your Way Through The Fleshy Sea of Nubile Three-Named Actresses

34. Sociology 206: Your Parents Are Paying Mad Cash for This, But I Am Soooo Hung Over From Chasing Freshman Tail So Just Go Get Coffee, Okay?

35. Education 104: Clueless, Beleaguered TA's and Absentee Star Professors on Book Tours in the Modern Educational System

36. Chemistry 102: From Rohypnol to GBH: Party Planning for Frat Boys

37. Craniology 652: Burnout Neurobiology: Pothead, Crack Addict, and Huffer Brain Cell Fiesta

38. Law 160: Opening Wounds, Closing Cases: Inflicting Severe Emotional Trauma During Cross-Examination

39. American Studies 219: Tab 'n' Shasta: Deconstructing the Dream of the American Cola

40. Cultural Anthropology 460: Runes, Bogs, and Magic Trees - Druids and Their Furniture

41. Pre-Med 1204: Ring Worm, Incest, Chiggers - Modern Appalachian Family Medicine

42. Human Sexuality 312: GI-Bi: Gender-Blind Coupling in the Army Base Cul de Sac

43. Sociology: Sign-Making, Protest Chanting, and Hair Farming: Liberalizing of the American Campus

44. Psychology 987f. The Biology of Conscious States: Waking, Sleeping, Fucking, and Showering

45. Adult Education Audit: Yiddish for Shiksas

46. Technological Programming 302: Making a Really Cool Virtual Reality Penis Glove

47. Women's Studies 303: Twat's Up Doc? Misogynist Gynecologists Throughout History

48. Women's Studies 12: Systematic Objectification of the Naked Female Form by The Dead White Pornographer Michelangelo

49. French Cinema 390: Giant Deformed Nose: A Celebration of the Work of Gerard Depardieu

Self-Help Books

1. Wallow: The Unabridged Exploration of the Unfairness of the Universe

2. Pretending To Heal The Shame That Binds You

3. Taming My Inner Bar Slut

4. Teddy, I Have A Headache: Saying No to Libidinous Plushies

5. You Still The Phreaky Bomb-Diggity: Coddling Your Hip-Hop One Hit Wonder

6. How To Alienate Friends And Annoy People

7. Title TBD: Fighting Procrastination and Stuff

8. The Courage to Sniff Thongs

9. Feeling Good About Being A Fat, Ugly Moron

10. Hands Off: How To Cope With Your Incestuous Conjoined Twin

11. Sweat The Small Stuff: Embracing the Wisdom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

12. Staying Clean: The Super Fun World of Puzzles, Bingo, and Endless Apologies

13. 7 Habits of Highly Effective Sociopaths

14. My District is Huge: How To Score With Capitol Hill Interns

15. The Art Of Faking Happiness

16. I'm Heavily Medicated, How Are You?

17. 101 Ways To Bat Your Eyelashes And Giggle Like A Child-like Idiot

18. What Else Is There? The Secret To A Loving Loveless Marriage

19. She Wants It Bad: Convincing Women to Look Past Your Countless Detestable Traits

20. After The Affair: Never Letting Go of His Cheating Nuts

21. Past Lives, Future Healing: The Benefits of Avoiding Today

22. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lining the Pockets of Opportunistic Publishers

23. Who The Fuck Spilled Paint In The Garage? Acknowledging and Ignoring Your Violent Temper

24. 101 Ways to Envy Your Friend's Transformed Life

25. The Unbearable Pain Of Failure: The Sequel To The Best Selling "Thinking Big: The Key To Personal Power"

26. Don't Have Children And Take Care Of Your Bowels: Lessons My Granny Taught Me

27. Instant Popularity: The Leg Spreadin' Way

28. I'm Okay. You're Okay. Everything's OKAY, Okay? Get Off My Goddamned Back For Once?

29. Dianetics: Peace and Success Through Closeted Hollywood Stardom & Tithing
30. Avoiding The Bacon Spiral

31. Chicken Soup For The Disgruntled Postal Worker's Soul

32. Men Are From Mars, Women Have No Penis

33. What The Shell: Looking Inward And Staying There

34. Self Help Help - The Definitive Guide to Personal Improvement Literature

35. Drinking A Fifth And Smacking Yourself In The Head With A Hammer: How To Talk To The Dead

36. Exploiting The Emotional Pornographer Within: Steven Spielberg's Recipe For Success

37. Like, Boundaries: I Am Not A Cock Tease

38. Love Is Letting Go of "Your Good Female Buddy Who Just Happens To Work At a Strip Club"

39. The Drill: Redundantly Re-igniting The Passion

40. Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from the Moonies

41. Unleash Your Inner Post-Apocalyptic Mutant Biker!

42. Mine All Mine: Contesting Your Wealthy Relative's Last Will & Testament

43. Lip Service: Success Tips For Actresses

44. Bad To The Last Cup: Fighting the Coffee Colonic Addiction

45. Donald Trump's PARK THEM HERE: What To Do With Your Elderly Parents

46. Go 2 Bed J Parenting With Post-its

47. It's Not Love, It's Just A Handjob

48. Emotional Irrelevance: Why Nobody Cares About Your Feelings