Question:

How do you play Taliban bingo?

Answer:

The Amazing Claude

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.......

You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and
you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man(or)woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose, knowing that there could only be one passenger
in your car. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as
part of a job application.

A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers there is no toilet paper on the roll. He calls into the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in there?"

"No," comes the reply.

"Do you have any newspaper?"

"Sorry!"

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one made and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed.

Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been fired for making sexual comments to the women in the office.

Native Drums

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.

On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped, what happens now?"

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

Teenage Fashion

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked.

This is a Detective story so pay close attention ..
.

Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Mariners baseball game.They smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real exciting and they are immensely enjoying themselves drinking Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks.

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section."
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

A saleswoman is driving through the Reservation toward home when she sees an
Indian woman thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk,the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.

"What's in the bag?" asks the Indian woman.

A wonderful opportunity has came up & I wanted to let you know about it. A new two-year degree is being offered at most Universities that many of youshould be interested in "Becoming a Husband." That's right, in just six trimesters, a man can be a great husband as well as earn an MA (Male Arts) degree.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

FIRST YEAR
Fall Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 Women Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End w/Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook I
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 1A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 1B What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Fall Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep W/out It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Denzel Washington
MEN 230A Her Birthdays & Anniversaries Are Important I

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fanning the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays & Anniversaries Are Important II

Subject: Mom Humor

This e-mail really reminded me of Mom. I was surprised at the number of people who sent it- Ididn't know Mom had so many kids.

Lessons Only a Mother Could Teach

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE- "If you're going kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:-"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC- "Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neckyou're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming towardyou; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

Where is the Love?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Saint Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.

Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says,
"I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to
give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all
bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."