''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''

''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''

''Man who run behind car get exhausted''

''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''

''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''

''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''

''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''

''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''

''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''

''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''

''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''

''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''

''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''

''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''

''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''

''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''

''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''

''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''

''Man who sit on tack get point!''

''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''

''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''

''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''

''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''

''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.

Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

Games to Play when We're Older:

1. Sag, You're it

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Hide and go pee.

8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

9. Musical recliners.

Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale
.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult barely gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Signs of Wear and Tear

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber that day.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Subject: Waiting in Heaven

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington."How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "this is not what I was promised!"

Management hints from a pro

Lesson Number One
************************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three
*****************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson?

1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Sent in by a female Lurker You go girl.

I wanted to share this with all the great moms out there. So before you tell people you are just a housewife of just a mom thank back to this story.
------------------------------------------------------
A few months ago when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.

"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.

Before I could answer, and I didn't really have one handy, she blurted out the reason for her question.

It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily, "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like official Interrogator or Town Registrar.

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I don't know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters)."

"Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3.

Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child development program testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant!

I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood...what a glorious career.

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard, "Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans.

The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch."

An Interesting Fact

Believe it or not but 8:02 PM on February 20 this year will be an historic moment in time. It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.

As the clock ticks over from 8:01 PM on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be
more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002.

This historic event will never have the same poignancy as the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month which marks Armistice Day, but it is an event. which has only ever happened once before, and is something which will never be repeated.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student,
but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes
- use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth,
how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last
thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people
who are bad at math.I

t IS as bad as you think,
and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas,
aking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything
from happening at once.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind.
Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses,
I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet,
the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise
just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
Other times I let him sleep

All men are idiots,
and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana-At least our cows are sane!

didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain
to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men
lack ambition.

If you don't like the news,
go out and make some.

When you do a good deed,
get a receipt-in case heaven
is likethe IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people
who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes,
they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the
results were negative.

Where there's a will,
I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment
on my reality check?

Few women admit their age;
Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity,
I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' -
I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher;
Unfortunately it kills all itss tudents.

It's lonely at the top,
but you eat better

According to my calculations,
the problem doesn't exist

.Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have.
Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you
f you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. T
hen things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else.

Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty,
now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism:
The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I subport publik edjekashun.

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...T

There are 3 kinds of people:
those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These quotes are from the days
when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Hope you enjoy these quotes!

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.


Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!


Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!


Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.


Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years
old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.


Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Seductive

A guy is working behind the bar at a downtown restaurant, when an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous chick walks up and beckons him with her finger.

She seductively says to him, "Hey big boy, can I please speak to the manager?"

He thinks that she is coming on to him as she starts running her fingers through his hair, so he says to her, "the manager is not around at the moment, can I help you in anyway possible?"

She then gently places a couple of fingers in his mouth and lets him start gently licking them and says to him, "well then big boy, you can pass on a message for me to the manager. Can you let him know that there is no toilet paper in the ladies toilets!!"

Good news, bad news

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

KAPOONG!

When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.......

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN.

6-7lb chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing mix
1 cup popping corn
Salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing mix and popcorn. Place in pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.