A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

Joe Smith's Day

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6:00 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN JAPAN), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good-paying AMERICAN job.

A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard, "Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans.

The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch."

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

And now for some Sad News.. We don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life's all about.

There has been a great loss recently in the entertainment world. The wonderful Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the "Hokey Pokey", died at age 83.

The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be selective. Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked, "Susan, do you know where bad girls go?"

Four men were in a boat. While they were sailing they decided to have a cigarette, but soon discovered that no one had any matches.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol; dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke; dead.
Third worm in sperm; dead.
Fourth worm in soil; alive.

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

Rated G

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the princess.

But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day,
he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

.........................................

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them,
they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

.........................................

The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.

She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)

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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Suburbs vs. Ghetto

In the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto, there's grass grower.

* In the suburbs, there's ''corner stores.'' In the ghetto, there's liquor stores, bail bonds, weed, and lottery numbers in one building.

* In the suburbs, there's microbrews. In the ghetto, there's 40 ounces.

* In the suburbs, there's homeade acid. In the ghetto, there's ''sizurp.''

* In the suburbs, the ice cream man sells just ice cream. In the ghetto, he sells ice cream, chips, drinks, candy, crack, weed and mixtapes.

* In the suburbs, there's a response to a 911 call. 'Nuff said.

* In the suburbs, there's neighborhood parks. In the ghetto, there's corners.

* In the suburbs, there's lifestyles of the rich and famous. In the ghetto, there's lifestyles of the broke and pissed off.

* In the suburbs, there's Rover, Spot, etc. In the ghetto, there's Butch, Killa, Boo....

* In suburban schools, teachers are fired. In ghetto schools, teachers quit.

* In the suburbs, kids wear red, white or blue because they ''just like the color.'' In the ghetto, kids wear red white or blue ''cuz that'z whut I claim.'

* In the suburbs, kids come home with candy. In the ghetto, kids come home with candy, coke can tops, crack pipes, etc.

* In the suburbs, you pop firecrackers on the 4th of July. In the ghetto, you pop firecrackers from the end of school until Halloween.

* In the suburbs, you have ''Honey I'm home'' In the ghetto, you have ''Who was that came in the doe'?!"

* In the suburbs, dad's oldies are the Beatles, John Denver, etc. In the suburbs, dad's oldies are George Clinton, Zapp and Roger and the O'Jays--until they were stolen.

* In the suburbs, teenage bands consists of drums, bass, regular guitar, and the main vocalist. In the ghetto, teenage ''bands'' consists of a table, a hairbrush and 15 or 20 dudes standing around taking turns freestylin'.

* In the suburbs, cable consists of 100 regular channels, and all the premium and pay-per-view channels In the ghetto, you have cable running from next door, 60 out of the 100 channels show up, and the others need a clothes hanger and some aluminum foil to show up halfway decent.

* In the suburbs, dad keeps his gun hid in a closet, and breaks it out during hunting season. In the ghetto, you gotta pack the steel everywhere you go.

* In the suburbs, you have community watch service. In the ghetto, you just have the community watch signs, spray-painted over.

* In the suburbs, you have bandanas In the ghetto, you have ''rags."

* In the suburbs, you wear your jewelry. In the ghetto, you ''floss yo' ice."

* In the suburbs, if your lights are cut off, you use candles.
* In the ghetto, you take your lamp and 2 or 3 extension cords and use the next-door neighbor's power.

1. Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

2. Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.

4. Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

5. Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

6. Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.

7. Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

8. Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts.

9. Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

10. Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.

Last 10 Things a Man Would Say:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.

9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8. I think hairy armpits are really sexy.

7. Her breasts are just too big.

6. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on ''Murder She Wrote'' gives me a woody.

4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

2. Screw Monday Night Footbal! Let's watch Lifetime.

1. I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions.

The Last 10 Things a Woman Would Ever Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey…get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don't throw away that old T-shirt. The holes in the armpits are just too cute.

5. This diamond is way too big!

4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow! It really is 14 inches long.

2. Does this make my butt look too small?