Q Why won't Ken Lay get indicted ?
A There is not a shred of evidence

Q What is the difference between Enron and a cross country run?
A In a cross country run there is a paper trail

++------------------------------++

I bought it on a Monday and the stock stood still.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
KennyBoy told me that I'd make a kill.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, the stock stood still.
Yes, I'd make a kill.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

He knew what he was doin' when he sold at high.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
He talked so sure but my oh my.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, he sold at high.
Yes, but my oh my.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

He dumped at seventy and he said buy.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Someday It'll make it up to nine.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, He said to buy.
Yes, it bankrupt time.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

A Louisiana woodpecker and a Mississippi woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Louisiana woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Mississippi woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Louisiana woodpecker was in awe.

The Mississippi woodpecker then challenged the Louisiana woodpecker to peck a tree in Mississippi that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Louisiana woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

After flying to Mississippi, the Louisiana woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana tree and the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Last April 1st, in a small local town....

Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area.

They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in proccess, man in bank dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them.

So they continued on enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in proccess, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.

"It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor -- yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Federal Employees

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of federal agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc.

Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.. you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Cheez Whiz tidal waves

2. New Kids on the Block reunion world tour

3. JFK Jr. and Princess Di rise from the dead to sire a new race of mega-celebrities

4. P. Diddy is appointed UN Secretary General

5. AOL Time Warner

6. Flipping someone the bird can kill them

7. Unset VCR clocks all stop blinking

8. The Almighty appears on talk shows, promoting his new project "Let There be DARKNESS"

9. Michael Jackson Underoos

10. Churches start charging admission

11. A poll reveals that Americans find sex "not too terribly interesting, really"

12. The Mount Rushmore presidents sprout nose piercings

13. Switzerland falls into the sea

14. Tampons start to bleed… IN THE BOX

15. N'Sync's Justin Timberlake composes an Italian opera

16. Whiteheads become chic

17. Canada develops its own culture

18. Colonic Aficionado magazine

19. Pamela Anderson's virginity is mysteriously restored!

20. New fast food craze: Locust Burgers

21. North Dakota ravaged by civil war

22. Gangs of flying goats terrorize playgrounds

23. Nudist nuns riot in the streets

24. Pubic hair gel

25. The Anti-Christ appears - accompanied by the Uncle-Christ

26. Julia Roberts' lips deflate

27. I Spit on Your Grave: The Animated Series

28. All around the globe, ketchup flows freely from glass bottles

29. Howard Stern shuts the fuck up

30. Ark of the Covenant Reproductions - 50% off at Pottery Barn

31. Trendy wheat grass shakes turn into frothy cups of demon vomit

32. Bellybuttons heal

33. Tofu haggis

34. Janet Reno does a "Depends" ad.

35. A giant Porky Pig appears in a fireball in the sky and stutters, "Th-th-th-that's All, Folks!"

36. Saddam Hussein guest hosts Letterman

37. Yo mama stops being such a cockaholic

38. Provo, Utah spawns the next ABBA

39. Non-alcoholic Jägermeister

40. Laura Bush gives birth to conjoined hyena pups

41. All-night British royal family orgies at Buckingham Palace

42. Oprah's Book Club recommends Naked Lunch

43. Stem cells available in Parker Bros. chemistry sets

44. I Can't Believe it's Not Kidneys!

45. DotCom content ventures secure funding

46. McDonalds and Starbucks merge

47. Reanimated corpse of Mr. Hooper descends on Sesame Street to exact murderous vengeance on Snuffleupagus

48. Free admission at Disney World

49. Jerry Falwell comes out of the closet

Lone Ranger has not seen Tonto for a few days.

Worried he goes in search of his trusted Indian friend and companion.

After two days of searching he finds Tonto lying on the ground.

Lone Ranger says, "Tonto you ok?"

Tonto replies, "White men come, on four horses, also have stagecoach with white lady in back. Third horse only wear three shoes on hooves."

Lone Ranger is well impressed. "Tonto I'm amazed, you can tell all this from listening to the ground?"

Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends.

During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it.

When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room.

If Dear Abby Were Dear Albert

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

Osama goes to Hell

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even letYOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone.

The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor.

The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please."

The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?"

The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate."

The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla."

The woman spells out, "V-A-N."

"Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry."

The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W." "Okay," says the clerk,

"Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate."

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'FUCK' in 'chocolate!'"

Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 59 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious but,deadly! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject.

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman it breaks her spirit and cuts off herefficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much ofthis.

Tree's

What tree did you fall from? Find your birthday, find your tree and then scroll down... This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology. I'm not so sure on the accuracy.

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree

APPLE TREE (Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

ASH TREE (Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

BEECH TREE (Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)

BIRCH TREE (Inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, pretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

CEDAR TREE (Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

CYPRESS TREE (Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.

ELM TREE (Noble-Minded) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, loudest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

FIR TREE (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontested lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

HAZELNUT TREE (Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

HORNBEAM TREE (Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

LIME TREE (Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.

MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

OAK TREE (Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

OLIVE TREE (Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

PINE TREE (Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappointments until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

ROWAN TREE (Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

WALNUT TREE (Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.