Guaranteed to Get You Slapped !!!

1. Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.

4. Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

5. What is the definition of "making love"?

Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]

8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

9. Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and efrigerator..

10. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

11. How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

14. How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blow job.

16. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

My Way vs. Martha's Way 

Martha's Way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow into the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom, for pete ssake. You're probably sitting on the couch with your feet up anyway.

Martha's Way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" the pancake batter into the pan. You will have perfect pancakes every time.

My Way: Just buy the pre-cooked kind you get in the supermarket that you have to nuke for 30 seconds in the microwave: the hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's Way #3 To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My Way: Buy Hungry Jacks mashed potatoes and keep them in the pantry for a year.

Martha's Way #4: To prevent egg shells cracking while hard boiling eggs, put a pinch of salt into the water.

My Way: Who cares, you're going to take the shells off anyway,right?

Martha's Way #5: To get the most juice out of lemons, bring themt to room temperature and roll them on the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My Way: Just buy the kind in the plastic bottle, that way you can get every last drop of juice with very little effort.

Martha's Way #6: To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, drop two drops of dish soap in along with enough water to cover the pan and bring to a boil on the stove top.

My Way: Eat out every night so you don't have to cook.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tuperware with non-stick baking spray when storing tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains left over.

My Way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's Way #8: When cake recipies call for flowering the pan,use any extra dry cake mix to avoid getting white marks on the sides of the cake.

My Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way #9: If you drop too much salt in a dish while it'scooking, just drop in a peeled potatoe to absorb the excess salt.

My Way: If I over-salt a dish that's just too bad. My Motto: If I'm actually able to make it, it gets eaten.

Martha's Way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil; it will keep for weeks in the fridge.

My Way: And it prevents aliens from taking control of the celery by sending invisible control waves into your fridge ?????!!!!!

Martha's Way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over a pie crust before baking it to give it a beautiful glossy finish.

My Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie instructions don't say to so I don't do it.

Martha's Way #12: Place a slice of apple in brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Martha's Way #13: To determine whether an egg is soft immerse itin a pan of cool water with salt; if it sinks it's fresh, but if it floats, throw it away.

My Way: If you crack open an egg and the smell knocks you down, you can guess it isn't fresh.

Martha's Way #14: Cure for headaches; take a lime, cut it in half anf rub it on your forehead.

My Way: Martha, dear, the only reason it cures the headache is because the lime juice takes your mind off it by running into your eye and you are now blind.

Martha's Way #15: Don't throw out all wine, freeze into ice cubes for use in future dishes.

My Way: Extra wine?

Martha's Way #16: Use latex gloves for opening jars, the gripps on the fingers make opening jars a breeze.

My Way: Get a man to do it.

Martha's Way #17: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers, just grate and rub raw potatoe on your hands and rinse.

My Way: Yeah, and mashed potatoes will soon replace my antibacterial dish washing detergent.

Martha's Way #18-21: Now look what Alka-Seltzer can do: * Clean a toilet by droping in two Alka-Seltzer tablets and leaving for twenty minutes. Then brush and flush.*Clean a vase. To remove a stain from a glass vase or cruet,drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets and some water.*Polish jewlrey. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into water and immerse jewlrey in the water for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets and let soak for an hour (longer ifnecessary).

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said
"Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack,
better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky
Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N'
Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!

Once upon a time a princess was old enough to marry.

Her father the king naturally wanted the best for his daughter so he made a test and announced it to the kingdome: "Any man who desires my daughters hand in marriage must bring as many ping pong balls as possible to me in one week."

Three men took on his unusual task.

When the day came one week later, with a crowd formed around the kingdome. The King went to meet the suitors.

The first man came holding a sack of ping pong balls. The king was displeased.

The second man came withan entire wagon load of them. The king seemed more satisfied.

An hour passed before the third man arrived at the castle. He was limping, his clothes were torn and was holding two large sacks over his shoulders. At this the king was confused. "Why are you so severly beaten at this simple task of bringing me ping pong balls?" asked the king.

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities.

Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each biteafterwards.

4. In little feverish nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're "normal".

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involve mentwhen things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy,selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately.

Jack, who does not have a criminal record, has just been convicted of a minor crime.

In his court trial, he is sentenced to 2 years in prison.

Since he and his wife cannot afford the bail price, he has 2 days before he will be taken to the prison.

On his last day he and his wife decide to take a tour of the prison so he can see what the conditions are like before he is taken there. Jack is a good looking guy, and while he walks by the cells all the tatooed inmates stare at him, taunt him, and sexually harass him because, of course, they cannot get sex anywhere else.

So he leaves the prison at once. In the car ride home, he says to his wife, "We have to stop at the tatoo parlor."

"Why, do you want to get a tatoo so you will fit in?" she asked.

    Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive     

Californians Are Mad!     

An open letter to the rest of America:

America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because California doesn't have enough electricity to meet its needs. The rest of the country (including George W. Bush's energy secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough power to meet their needs.

They laugh at Californians 'frivolity. Well, everybody. Here's how it really is:

California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per person. California grows more than half the nation's fruit, nuts and vegetables.

We're keeping them. We need something to eat when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the nation's almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwi fruit, olives,persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you won't miss them.

California is the nation's number one dairy state. We're keeping our dairy products. We'll need plenty of fresh ones since our refrigerators can't be relied upon. Got milk?We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough electricity, which you're apparently keeping for yourselves, we just plain don't have enough software to spare.

We're keeping all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you want to go. When yours wear out, you'd better hope Boeing's Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn't enough electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we need ourselves. And while we're at it, we're keeping all our high tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wakeup under the rule of some foreign kook. Oh, yeah, and if you want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get back in the habit of writing letters. Want to see a blockbuster movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since we'll now have to make them with our own electricity, we're keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs,printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities are all here.Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons per year. We'll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we think about the fact that no matter how many California products we export to make the rest of America's lives better, America can't see its way clear to help us out with a little electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine. You all complain that we don't build enough power plants. Well, you don't grow enough food, write enough software, make enough movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make enough wine. This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up before it's too late
.Love,

The Californians

Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some of you will remember, some will only laugh..

* I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won't be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It would be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country, that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don't know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair.

Hi Bob

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." George says, "No problem.I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's. " George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that,because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked.

The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.''

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in,''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.''

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.''

19 Things Not To Say To The Officer   

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can out run you.

15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how fa they are ahead of me.

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.

They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform.

Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"