There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesque theater stayed during show runs. It took firemen three hours to put the fire out.

Office Bingo

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all that!

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, draw a 5"x5" square and divide it into rows and columns five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words or phrases in each block: "synergy", "strategic fit", "core competencies", "best practice", "bottom line", "revisit", "absolutely", "24/7", "out of the loop", "bench mark", "value added", "proactive", "win-win", "think outside the box", "fast track", "result driven","empower", "knowledge base", " at the end of the day","touch base", "mind set", "client focus", " ballpark","game plan", "solution".

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand and shout "Bull Shit!"

Testimonials from satisfied BS Bingo Players.

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won. -----Jack W. - Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -----David D. - Florida

"It's great! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." -----Bill R. - New York

"The atmosphere was tense in the last meeting as 14 of us waited for a fifth box." -----Wendy M. - New Jersey

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BullShit!' for the third time in 2 hours." -----Kathleen A. - Atlanta

I was coming home late the other night when the flash of red in the mirror told me that I was about to meet one of our state's finest.

I was surprised to see that the officer was a young, rather attractive woman. After the preliminaries, she stated "anything you say will be held against you."

Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.

Becky is out for her morning constitutional, spies Abe, and says "Do you mind?"

"Not at all" Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite end of the bench.

So, you're new here" says Becky.

"Yes" Abe nods.

"So, where are you from?" asks Becky.

"Washington" Abe answers.

"The state or the capitol?" asks Becky.

"The state" replies Abe.

"What did you do there?" asks Becky.

"I was in prison" Abe says.

"Really!" says Becky,

"what did you do?"

"My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal" he says.

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

A guy, recently divorced, finds himself in the position of having to buy condoms--something he hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was
overwhelming, so he asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At
last, as he was running out of breath, the guy asked which condom he recommended.

He replied, "The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel."

The Proposal

For months John had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being --a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol, whom one can treat as one's absolute own, who will be kind and faithful when times are hard, who will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.

Then she nodded in agreement.

Different Ways To Say "You're Stupid"

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

After WW II, there was a crush of immigration from Europe to the USA.

One Italian, Luigi, obtained passage on a steamer after months of waiting, and his entire village went down to the pier to see him off, telling him how lucky he was, going to live in the land of opportunity.

In six months, Luigi was back, disgusted and disappointed.

His friends all told him, "Luigi, you crazy, why you come back?"

"Bah, America nothin' but SEX, SEX, and MORE sex!" Luigi griped... "

All day long, Sex! In the news-papers, onna th' radio, inna the movies, onna the billboards, all you see is SEX. It's a disgusting! Why, even the ship, it sail into New York, the band on the dock is'a playin', an' whadda you 'tink they play?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a father took his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds.

The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.

Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone.

The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.

I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing.

So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing.

Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to PrinceCharming. "Then she is alive!"

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away.

When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return
envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local dry cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. (I especially liked this!)If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the
mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four.

The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?

The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"