Doug and Tammy decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.

They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one.

They were preparing themselves for bed and Doug decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.

When Doug returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?.

There was no response. He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time. Still no reply.

Rated G

Statistics tell us that married men are likely to live 3 years longer than single men.

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing her impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

The Line up:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady

In lane 2. Bare Belly

In lane 3. Silk Panties

In lane 4. Conscience

In lane 5. Jockey Shorts

In lane 6. Clean Sheets

In lane 7. Thighs

In lane 8. Big Dick

In lane 9. Heavy Bosom

In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...Bare Belly slows, Thighs weakens, Heavy Bosom pulls up, and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet.

But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool, man.

Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantumphysics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existance and vanish all the time.You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."

"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?"
asked the older brother.

The ABC's of ex wives

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.

C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House ... which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids ... the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother F**ker!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." . . . what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."

Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out. W is for Wrong ... which you always were.

X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

Lady lawdown was breakfasting at the Savoy and making a big fuss about her order.

"Now young man," she demanded of the waiter, "make sure the toast is crisp, I'd like the egg soft, but not to runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill.

One sight of a sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end".

Not long ago, I met the waiter of my dreams!

About halfway through dinner, I called the waiter over and said, "Sir, this potato is bad."

He nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it.

Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless andinferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

SOME INTELLIGENT PEOPLE SAY .......

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your friend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

Your future depends on your dreams so go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk!

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company,
three's the result !

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view

Like a dummy, I was smoking a cigarette when the tank became full and some of the gas back splashed on my arm and caught it on fire.

Well, it lit up my arm like a flame thrower and I was waving it all around when I saw a police car coming by I started waving my arms to get them to help me...when they stopped they drew out their guns and told me I was under arrest.

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

Remember all the stories below are true!

This years winners.

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
an end of a hollow wooden tube approximately 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by
her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her own.

5. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric
Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".

6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.