"Seminars For Men (Given by Females)"

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life -- learn to cook

10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You -- The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

Baseball Caps

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out.

Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a dirty fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath."Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and masked potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him the menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to fool him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and goes into the kitchen.He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork for you."

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The Arab doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were only homesick." ;D

Two fellows are walking around town.

One has a terrible stutter.

He taps his friend on the shoulder and begins to exclaim "L-l-l-look-k-k over t-t-th-th-th-th-there!"

His friend looks toward where the stutterer was gesturing, and asks "What is it?

What is it?""Th-th-th-th-there was a p-p-p-p-pr-pr-pretty girl!"

"Where?
Where?

Where is she?"

"A-a-a-a-a-aw, you m-m-mi-m-mi-missed h-h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

A few minutes later the first fellow nudges his friend again, and starts to exclaim "H-h-h-h-h-hey hey hey hey hey l-l-l-l-l-l-look! H-h-hey llll-l-l-l-look! O-o-o-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-ov-ov-ov-over th-th-th-there! L-l-l-l-l-look!"

"What is it?

What is it?"

H-h-h-hey, th-th-there w-w-w-w-was an-anoth-another pretty g-g-g-girl!

"Where?

Where is she?

Where you lookin?"

"N-n-n-n-n-ev-ev-ever m-m-m-mind, y-y-y-you m-m-mi-missed h-h-her!"

"Damn!"

They travelled a few more blocks. Then the stutterer started up:"H-h-h-h-hey hey hey".

His companion was tired of searching the landscape long after the interesting view had disappeared, so he tiredly exclaimed

"I seen it. I seen it."

1970 Vs 2000 - 30 YEARS MAKES A DIFFERENCE

1970: Long hair.
2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints, taking pills.

1970: President struggles with Fidel.
2000: President struggles with fidelity.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kervorkian.

1970: Getting out to a hip new joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system.
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. " You don't want to try these techniques at home."

" Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

" I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. " She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

The voice from the back asked, " Did it save time?"

BITCHY BUMPER STICKERS

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If You Don't Believe in Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else..And Seek Counseling.

Impotence: Nature's Way of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are TalkingTo Me.

The Earth Is Full---Go Home.

I Have The Body Of a God...Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't HappeningTo Me.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

The Face is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate?

Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up on Disk Somewhere.

If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.(Seen On the Back Of a Biker's Vest)

If Sex Is a Pain In the Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.(Seen upside Down, On a Jeep)

Remember Folks---Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.

Guys---No Shirt, No Service; Gals---No Shirt, No Charge.(Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant)

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me 'bout Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus---Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution---Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist---Broads Hate That.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

A masochist runs up to a sadist and screams,"Hit me,whip me,beat me!".

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The Arab doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were only homesick."

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

"How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

1. "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

2. "Escalators would help on steep up hill sections."

3. "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce world wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

4. "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

5. "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

6. "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

7. "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

8. "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

9. "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

10. "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

11. "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

12. "Too many rocks in the mountains."

Include your children when baking cookies.

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Drunks get nine years in violin case.

Iraqi head seeks arms.

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope.

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over.

Teacher strikes idle kids.

Clinton wins budget - more lies ahead.

Miners refuse to work after death.

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while.

Couple slain - police suspect homicide.

Man struck by lightning faces battery charge.

New study of obesity looks for larger test group.

Astronaut takes blame for gas in space.

Local high school dropouts cut in half.

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

" I haven't got a wife," replied the young man."

Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.

Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"