Subject: Signs of the times!

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in"

On a Plumbers truck
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome!
Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary.
"We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait "

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

A 13-year-old girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father, little disturbed with the sudden awkward question tries to avoid her by saying that he is busy now.

The girl insists that it is in his (father's) benefit that she should know the answer.

"She might take a wrong step and then I would regret: " thought the farsighted father.

Unwillingly, the father than quietly sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He also tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, but still goes on to his first and last, child sex education lecture. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

OUR CHILDREN:

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.(Chinese Proverb)

5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

6. I asked Mom is I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

9. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Here are some of the actual questions and answers givenon the old Hollywood Squares television game show. This was back when the show was NOT scripted. If you watched the show and remember the characters, they are even better...

Q: "If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?"

Charley Weaver A: "Three days of steady drinking should about do it."

Q: "True or false, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?"

George Goebel A: "Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes..."

Q: "You've been having trouble going to sleep, are you probably a man or a woman?"

Don Knotts A: "That's what's been keeping me up."

Q: "Which of the five senses tend to diminish as you get older?"

Charley Weaver A: "My sense of decency."

Q: "You've just decided to grow strawberries for the first time, are you going to get any?"

Charley Weaver A: "Of course not. I'm too busy growing strawberries

Q: "It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?"

Paul Lynde A: "Mine may be abused, but is certainly isn't neglected."

Q: "What do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?"

Charley Weaver A: "A divorcee."

Q: "Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or an elephant?"

Paul Lynde A: "Who told you about the elephant."

Q: "When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?"

Charley Weaver A: "I'll loan him the car, the rest is up to him."

Q: "Do female frogs croak?"

Paul Lynde A: "Only if you hold their little heads under water long enough."

Q: "Imagine that you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?"

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Now here's a thought to ponder........

HEADLINE STORIES FOR THE YEAR 2035

1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

4. Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

6. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

7. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

8. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

9. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

10. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

11. Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

12. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

13. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

14. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows of it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in my damn ass and get there faster."

Pirate Pick-up Lines

"I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."

"Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."

"See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."

"Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"

"Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."

"I've hidden booty all over the Caribbean -- but never have I seen one like yours!"

"That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!"

"That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there."

"My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure."

PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

Trojan Condom Co., Inc.
69 Slippery Root Dr.
Bendover, Miss 10169

Dear JokeMaster :

We regret to inform you that your application to model
TROJAN CONDOMS has been rejected.

Although your general physical appearance is not totally
displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that you do
not achieve the positive and romantic image we are
seeking to advertise for our product.

A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom does not promote the
virile, rugged, romantic image. (Your ingenious use of
poly grip is admirable, but unfortunately, even that did
not result in securing our product in place long enough
to complete the necessary photography.)

Your interest in Trojan Condom Co., Inc. is appreciated
and we will retain your application on file in the event
the market place develops a strong tendency towards the
necessity for the Micro-Mini condom.

Along with our thanks to you, we send your wife,
girlfriend or boyfriend our deepest sympathy.

Respectfully, Trojan Condom Co., Inc.

Peter Skinner Director of Advertising

Pop-Up Windows Inventor Won't Stay Buried

[The Hague, Holland] - Undertakers are puzzled and irritated by a coffin that refuses to stay underground. After numerous attempts to inter the body, cemetery staff is at a loss.

Verdomde Klootzak, the Dutch html developer credited with inventing pop-up windows, was found violently murdered in his home weeks ago. Authorities have no solid leads in the strange case, and this latest enigma has only impeded their investigation.

Grounds manager Vlad Diggoort expressed his frustration. "We close the box and we think we're rid of him, then he pops up somewhere else. We bury the bastard here, but he reappears over there. It's driving us all crazy."

Tim Berners-Lee, Klootzak's former co-worker at C.E.R.N. on the French-Swiss border west of Geneva, has no explanation for the mystery.

"Frankly, I'm bewildered," he confesses. "I'm sure they'll be able to dispose of the casket eventually. But I wouldn't be surprised if his murderer is never identified. There are just too many people in the world who wanted him to disappear."

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

Slobodan Milosevic showed up at heaven's gate and knocked for admittance. The door opened.

"What do you want?" Saint Peter asked.

"I want to enter heaven," the ex-Yugoslav president replied.

Saint Peter laughed in his face. "You can go to hell! You were an oppressive butcher!" he shouted, slamming the door.

The next day ten devils knocked on heaven's gate.

"What are you doing here?" Saint Peter asked.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to
let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and
pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlookerwith good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target anfd inspecting it closely.

"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"