DEFINITIONS BY MOM:

1. AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

2. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

3. BABY: 1)Dad, when he gets a cold. 2)Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

4. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

5. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

6. BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

7. CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have
had the most sugar.

8. COUCHPOTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

9. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

10. DRINING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

11. DUST RAGS: "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

12. EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

13. ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an over supply of until asked to do something.

14. EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve whichcan be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

15. FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" "SARCASM".

16. GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Moom's kids.

17. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing dirty clothing.

18. HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

19. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

20. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
21. JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion,including church and funerals.

22. JUNK: Dad's stuff.

23. KISS: Mom medicine.

24. LEMONADESTAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net profit of 15 cents.

25. MAYBE: No!

26. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after kids, assorted pets, two or three full- sized towels and several dozen toy boats, car and animals.

27. OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls...

1. "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE ... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. Ilove long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and askfor Daisy."

2. Callers found themselves talking to the local nHumane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.

A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?"

"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.

The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.

She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided,"and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."

"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humour. "Where do you really live?"

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country.Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they
always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!'"

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No. Why?" asked the other.

Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They'd never been on a train before, and were rather nervous.

They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey.

The men bought their tickets and got on the train. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats, and no lights. In spite of this, the two men began to quite enjoy the journey.

After half an hour or so, the two men decided to have an orange each. Just as the first man began to eat, the train entered a tunnel.

"Have you eaten your orange yet?" asked the first man.

"No," said the second man.

NEW ELEMENTS OF THE PERIODIC TABLE;ELEMENT:

WOMAN SYMBOL:

WO1. ATOMIC WEIGHT: 120 (more or less)

2. PHYSCIAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

3. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

4. USAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.

5. CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

ELEMENT: MANSYMBOL:

XY1. ATOMIC WEIGHT: 180+/1002.

2. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust and aging, samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

3. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with "WO" any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with "KD" (element KID) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

4. USAGE: Not really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux weren't having any luck fishing. So when they saw a man whose boat was teeming with fish, they asked him his secret.

"Just head up that inlet till the water's fresh," he said.

So, they started up the inlet. After awhile Boudreaux said, "Thibodeaux, dip that bucket over the side of the boat and taste the water to find out whether it's still salty."

"Yep," Thibodeaux said. "It's salty."

A few minutes later Boudreaux asked him to try it again.

"Still salty," he replied.

This continued all morning until the pair had made their way up a tiny estuary to a swamp.

"Sheesh," Boudreaux said dejectedly. "There's almost nowhere else to go, and the water's still salty."

"How do will I know when it is time to leave this party?

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying. Mascara is now blended with lipstick.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like ten times by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like a toilet bowl.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!)

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

** THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.

** EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

** DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

** MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

** FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -- or wrecked, anyway -- by the time
you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

** MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

** LETTUCE:
Leaf lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

** CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

** CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

** WINE:
It should not taste like salad dressing.

** POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

** CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Lock married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

I just received this from my broker. I normally don't pass stock tips on, but I thought this exception would be ok.

If you hold any of the following stocks, you may want to review.

American Can Co

Interstate Water Co.

National Gas Co.

Northern Tissue Co.