A meek little fellow in a restaurant timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat.

"Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"

"No, I'm not Mr. Smith," answered the man impatiently.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway the good fortune to run into the ones I do, And - the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...

ONE
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it

TWO
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran

THREE
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart

FOUR
Funny, I don't remember being minded...

FIVE
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair

SIX
If all is not lost, then where is it?

SEVEN
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser

EIGHT
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few

NINE
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

TEN
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when your in the bathroom

ELEVEN
If god wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees

TWELVE
When i'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess

THIRTEEN
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere

FOURTEEN
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

FIFTEEN
These days. I spend alot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip - Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep in the freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Notes For The Milkman

* "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

* "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

* "Cancel one pint after the day after today."

* "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

* "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

* "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."

* "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."

* "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

* "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

* "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

* "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

* "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

* "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

* "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

* "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

* "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pennies, because we want to play bingo tonight."

* "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."

* "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the
boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen
door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

* "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...

- You even bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.

- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.

- Your best friends are named after animals.

- Your best shoes have steel toes.

- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.

- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.

- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.

- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.

- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.

- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.

- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.

- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.

- Any day you ride is a good day.

- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.

- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.

- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.

- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.

- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.

- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.

- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.

- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.

- Your garage has more square footage than your house.

- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.

- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.

- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask theweed man to probe you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshel One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2 Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

3.Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture nyour wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

How to Make Your Girlfriend Eternally Happy

1) Be RICH.

This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.

2) Spend MONEY on HER.

This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.

3) Be TALL.

Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1 foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.

4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER.

Forget what you've heard about submissive women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.

5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD.

She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased,assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.

6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK.

This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.

7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP.

The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.

You know you are in DEEP TROUBLE when...

The stewardess on your American Airlines flight tells you NOT to fasten your seatbelt.

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

Three men are sittin' on a bench. One's a Texan wearing a Stetson. One's a muslim wearing a turban, and the last an Apache with an eagle feather woven in his hair.

The Indian is rather glum and says "once my people were many, but now we are few."

The muslim puffs up and says, "once my people were few, but now we are many millions."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded. "

How You Know You're In California

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

11. Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.

12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don't even notice.

13. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about STORM WATCH 2001.'

17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Human Resources Buzz Phrases

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you."

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings."

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day."

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend."

DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around."

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control."

CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)."

APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled."

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality."

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" -You'll need itto replace three people who just left."

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"