FROM THE LIPS OF MAE WEST (1892-1980)

1. "He who hesitates is a damned fool."

2. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

3. "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for
an institution yet."

4. "Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

5. "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the
one I've never tried before."

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

''That's right"

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Ralph

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple ofmonths ago:

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just appened.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Phil

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Mary Lou

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant Convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Carl

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

''Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From Hector

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in"Twister".

HEBONICS

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question plus a complaint that is implied or stateed Thus: "How are you?" may be answered, "How should I be, with my feet?"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism.

An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as:

"He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On-Hebonics.

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

False Alarm

There's a banging on old Joe's country shack in the middle of the night.

He gets up, rubs his eyes, opens the door:

It is the Grim Reaper grinning and he’s pointing a finger at him. "You come with me!"

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

People from the North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest of the United States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like "y'all" that much.

1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."

2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.

4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother,", always trying to outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the really thick accents.

5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South! is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.

6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on.

7. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything
else is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.

8. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those
states scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.

9. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all
we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?

10. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.

11. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.

12. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."

13. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where
shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.

14. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they feed.

15. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the peel.

16. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always panic.

17. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!

18. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri, and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.

19. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.

20. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.

21. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.

22. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more original names at some point?

23. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Big scary difference.

24. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.

25. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.

26. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.

27. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.

28. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.

29. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose
because we show up?

30. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a steel town.

31. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we
see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression.

The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price.

The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE !

=> Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.

=> Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100%
steroids.

=> Coming up with two too many after a head count.

=> Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.

=> Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

=> Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

=> The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

=> Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to
familiar.

=> Being on a first name basis with a serial sex offender.

THE AGING PROCESS!

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half. You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens, you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony: You BECOME 21! YES!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
PUSHING 40. Stay over there, it's all slipping away!

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 And your
dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you'd make it! So you BECOME 21,you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60. Then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards.

I was JUST 92.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Alex to put the icing on.

When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Alex," Mike said, and he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Alex, these are so good."As he finished one and took another he again conplimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful Alex," he said.

"How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/8 !

What does "Minimum" mean ?
A very small mother !

What does "Maximum" mean ?
A very big mother !

What's the difference between an American student and an English student ?
About 3000 miles !

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea ?
A kipper !

What's the nearest thing to silver ?
The Lone Ranger's bottom !

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich ?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking !

What kind of biscuit would you find at the south pole ?
A penguin !

A CYNIC'S GUIDE TO LIFE

*Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

*Always take time to stop and smell the roses...and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

*If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

*Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

*This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

*It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again.

This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.