(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the
bartender says "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"

The recent joke from: Lorraine (WHY NOT MODERNIZE ITALIAN? -
VENI, VEDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED!!),
prompted me to share several others with you. Here they are.

Veni, Vidi, Vici

The original phrase -
Veni, Vidi, Vici - means "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Here are some modern, up-to-date versions:

Veni, Vidi, Visa -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Shopping

Veni, Vidi, V8 -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Very Quickly

Veni, Vidi, Volley -- I Came, I Saw, I Played Tennis

Veni, Vidi, Vamoose -- I Came, I Saw, I Left

Veni, Vidi, Fiji -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran As Far Away As Possible

Veni, Vidi, VCR -- I Came, I Saw, I Went Home And Rented The Video

Veni, Vidi, Vacuum -- I Came, I Saw, I Cleaned Up

Veni, Vidi, Vodka -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank

Veni, Vidi, Vomit -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Too Much

Veni, Vidi, Vespa -- I Came, I Saw, I Rode Home

Veni, Vidi, Voyager -- I Came, I Saw, I Charted The New Frontier

Veni, Vidi, Venturi -- I Came, I Saw, I Created A Vacuum

Veni, Vidi, Vrai -- I Came, I Saw, The Truth Is Out There

Veni, Vidi, Va Va Voom -- I Came, I Saw, I Wore A Feather Boa

Veni, Vidi, Vanish -- I Came, I Saw, I Disappeared

Veni, Vidi, Velcro -- I Came, I Saw; I Stuck Around

Veni, Vidi, Volvo -- I Came, I Saw, I Drove

Veni, Vidi, Verily -- I Came, I Saw, I Concurred

Veni, Vidi, Violin -- I Came, I Saw, I Made A Horrible Screeching Noise

Veni, Vidi, Velociraptor -- I Came, I Saw, I Went To A Spielberg Film

Veni, Vidi, Owie! -- I Came, I Saw, I Hurt Myself

Veni, Vidi, Venison -- I Came, I Saw, I Ran Over A Deer

Voyeur, Vidi, Veni -- No comment.......and its next logical progression Veni, Veni, Veni!and finally,

A tour guide was showing a tourist Washington, D.C.

The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

A farmer comes home from the field and finds his wife dressed up in sexy lingerie.

As he stares in astonishment she says 'You can tie me up and do whatever you want.'

There are three types of people I hate:

1. Peope that are close-minded

Andy Rooney(isem's)

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
==================================

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)

"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'

Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.

Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
===============================

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================

9. Andy Rooney on Research:

Andy Rooney(isem's)

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
==================================

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)

"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'

Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================

7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.

Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
===============================

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================

9. Andy Rooney on Research:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...

13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the
runway.

4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,
"Just once!"

3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes!
2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the
plane!

PSA from me to you try some of these helpful ~~~ Useful Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of yourcigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside motel to ask its location.

"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Ten Rules for Staying Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the Bible, computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the brain stay idle.

4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control.God is still on His throne!

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire lives is ourselves.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it isfamily, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Shoulder only your own responsibilities. Then go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt. God forgives and forgets. Go to Him.

The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily.

One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber.

The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

My friend specializes in Mohawk hairstyles. He doesn't do it for a living, though. He just cuts hair on the side.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in a cave and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I wantto awaken with three white women in my bed in themorning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.