MY SON LOVES ME!

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

There were these two morons driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first moron says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

When I was young, my family was, well really poor. Everything I wore-socks, shirts, even hankerchiefs had been darned over and over by my mother.

HARRY POTTER BOOKS YOU PROBABLY WON'T SEE
++++++++++++

"Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Kidney Stone"

"Harry Potter And The Outhouse Of Gloom"

"Harry Potter Meets The Dragon's Foul Wind"

"Harry Potter And The Posessed Proctologist"

"Harry Potter And The Phantom IPO"

"Harry Potter And His Strict Diet Of Girl Scout Cookies"

"Harry Potter And His Brief Encounter With Orson Welles"

"Harry Potter Meets Hillary Clinton"

"Harry Potter And The Obscene, Dancing Fig Tree"

"Harry Potter And The Possibility Of Another Book"...

"Harry Potter Meets The Sorcerer's Bone"

Out to lunch one day,a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.

"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"

"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was incharge, a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at government expense).

"Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him.

"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the General.

So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small private ceremony, the General was furious. For the sculpture was made in gold.

"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"

The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next sculpture in silver.

But again the General was furious. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"

This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked.

When the sculpture was revealed to the General, he was overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness.

The artist then complimented the General on his deep humility.

This notion confused him very much. "But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionise the automobile industry."

Ford looked sceptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.

"We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off.

However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

"The Positive Side of Life"

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty,some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

When Men Rule the world!

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

8. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

10. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

11. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

12. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

SONGS FOR OVER 40

Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone

Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis

ABBA - Denture Queen

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom

Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair

The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends

Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising

Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication

That reminds me.............................

A condom machine in a public toilet displayed the legend

"Made to British Standards"

A man went to see an eye specialist as suggested by his colleagues because anytime a document is presented to him, he couldn’t read.

The eye specialist decided to test the eye letting the man stand a distance to read letters hanged on a wall.

The specialist asked, can you read. The man’s reply was no.

He was asked to come a bit closer, “can you read?” the reply was ‘no’.

Come a bit closer said the specialist, ‘can you read?’, ‘no’.

The man was just some few inches from the letters and he said he still can’t read.

The specialist then exclaimed, you must be blind.

Occupational Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn.............Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn..........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

The Contractor's Hymn..........The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn..............Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn..............There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn..........Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn...........I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn..............Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.........Send the Light

The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop

The Pilot's Hymn...............I'll Fly Away

The Paramedic's Hymn...........Revive Us Again

The Judge's Hymn...............Almost Persuaded

The Psychiatrist's Hymn........Just a Little Talk With Jesus

The Architect's Hymn...........How Firm A Foundation

The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn.....A Charge To Keep I Have

The Zookeeper's Hymn...........All Creatures of Our God & King

The Postal Worker's Hymn.......So Send I You

The Waiter's Hymn..............Fill My Cup, Lord

The Gardener's Hymn............Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming

The Lifeguard's Hymn...........Rescue the Perishing

The Criminal's Hymn............Search Me, O God

The Baker's Hymn...............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder

The Shoe Repairer's Hymn.......It Is Well With My Soul

The Travel Agent's Hymn........Anywhere With Jesus

The Geologist's Hymn...........Rock of Ages

The Haematologist's Hymn........Are You Washed in the Blood?

The Mens' Wear Clerk's Hymn....Blest Be the Tie

The Umpire's Hymn..............I Need No Other Argument

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.