A man and a woman are in an elevator.

A woman takes off all of her clothes and says, "Make me fell like a woman."

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

Rated PG

Silly Questions

1.If you throw a cat out of the window, does it become kitty litter?
2.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3.Is it ok to use an AM radio in the afternoon?
4.What do chickens think we taste like?
5.What do u call a male ladybug?
6.What hair color is on the license of a bald man?
7.Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
8.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
9.If you squeeze olives to get olive oil, then where does baby oil come from?
10.If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?

11.What would Geronimo yell if he jumped out of an airplane? MEEEEE!!!???
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
13. How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
14. Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
15. Do fish get cramps after eating?
16. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
17. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
18. Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
19. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
20. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

21. How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
22. How is it possible to have a civil war?
23. How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
24. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
25. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
26. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
27. If a liar tells you he is a liar, do you believe him?
28. If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
29. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
30. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
32. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
33. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
34. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
35. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
36. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
39. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
40. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came upwith, "Quit while you're ahead"?

41. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
42. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
43. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
44. If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?
45. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
46. If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
47. If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
48. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
49. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

50. If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
51. If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
52. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,would the driver end up owing you money?
53. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
54. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
55. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
56. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
57. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
58. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
59. If you take a shower, where do you put it?
60. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

61. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
62. Is there a Dr. Salt?
63. Isn't it a little scary that a doctors work is called practice?
64. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
65. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
66. Should crematoriums give discounts for burnt victims?
67. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
68. What came first the chicken or the egg?
69. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

70. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
71. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
72. What is another word for "thesaurus"?
73. When people lose weight, where does it go?
74. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
75. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
76. Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
77. Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
78. Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
79. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
80. Why do feet smell and noses run, yet noses smell and feet run?

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.

14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.

8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

The Herald Sun's 25 Best Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

On a plane going from Perth to Sydney all the passengers are on board and the crew are checking that everone is wearing their seatbelts.

But the pilot and co-pilot are not on the plane yet as everyone can see through the door into the cockpit. Finally the pilot and co-pilot step on the plane. The pilot is holding onto a leash that restrains a seeing-eye labrador and the co-pilot is holding a white cane which he is tapping on the ground. Both men are wearing thick black glasses. The passengers laugh nervously, Surely this must be a joke they think as the pilots walk into the cockpit.

The plane begins to run down the runway. At the end of the runway there is a large lake.

The plane is already half way down the runway and the plane still hasn't taken off.

The passengers begin screaming loudly. Surely the plane will fall right into the lake.

Then the plane takes off into the air. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bullgoes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy.

10. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed and when Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Actual Signs

Here are some real signs found across America.

At a Florida maternity ward:
No Children Allowed

At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

At a radiator-repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

At a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves.

At many military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

At a long-established New Mexico dry cleaner:
38 years on the same spot.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan.

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished.

At a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery tournament---ears peirced.

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

On a roller-coaster:
Watch your head.

Signs you May be Canadian!

- you're not offended by the term "homo milk"

- you understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just spilled my putine."

- you eat chocolate bars not candy bars.

- you drink POP not SODA

- you know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "part at the camp!!"

- you don't care about the fuss with Cuba, its a cheap place to travel with good cigars.

- Pike is a type if fish, not part of a highway.

- You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

- you have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

- you know that Casey and Finnigan are not part of a Celtic Musical Group.

- you are excited whenever an American television show metions Canada.

- you know what a touque is.

- Your Halloween costume to fits over a snowsuit.

- you live in a house with no front step but yet the door is one meter from the ground.

- your local paper covers the national news on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey.

- your know four seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

- you understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

- you perk up when you hear the theme from Hockey Night in Canada.

- you are in grade 12 not 12th grade.

- "EH" is a very important part of your vocabulary.

These two friends are about to go to a club.

One of them has a wooden eye.

He said ''If someone says something about my eye, i'm gonna snap.''

They get there, and he asks a girl to dance.

Signs You've had Too Much of The 21st Century

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.

3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ''.com''

4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.

5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams bookmarked

6. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

8. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.

9. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

10. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you. “Sorry, I only sent ‘e-cards’ this year, you just didn't make the cut”

11. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o'clock.

Lost & Found

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:

''A parker pn lost if found plz return to me'' The next day, another notice was put up:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

The Real Skywalker Lineage

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father!

Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true.

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old.

Luke: No!

Darth Vader : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.

Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!

Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!”

Luke: Shut up.

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby!

(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)

Darth Vader : I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine.