A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

Osama Gets Loaded

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Because they can get bombed at home.

*****************************************

Taliban Snippet

How come the Taliban are not circumcised?

Children's Books

1. Charlie and the Third World Nike Factory

2. Harry Potter and the Little Actor Who'll Grow up to Become a Bitter Coked-up Has-been

3. The Littlest Anarchist's Cookbook

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup for the Soul

5. All God's Creatures Are Emotionally Unavailable

6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Has a Heart Attack Because He's a Freak of Nature

7. Ali Baba and the 1,000 Arab Stereotypes

8. Babar, the Ivory Coat Rack

9. Beauty and the Yeast Infection

10. The Boy Scouts' Queer Bludgeoning Handbook

11. Kermit the Frog and the Hot Skillet of Foaming Butter

12. Charlotte's Web of Lies & Deceit

13. Where the Evildoers Are - by George W. Bush

14. Shel Silverstein's Silly Poems about Anal Sex

15. No One Really Loves Fat Girls - by Judy Blume

16. Dr. Seuss's The Grinch Who Was Slightly Apathetic about Presidents' Day

17. The Little Train Who Couldn't, But it's Okay Because it Happens to every Train Once in a While

18. Little Red in Da Hood

19. Pus in Boots

20. John Wayne Gacey, the Silly Clown Who Murders Children Who Don't Listen to Mommy

21. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Menstruation

22. Jack & the Gnarly-ass Bean Burrito

23. Snow White and the Seven Intoxicated Mexicans

24. Mary Had a Little Rash

25. Sleeping Ugly-Ass Ho Knocked out on Roofies

26. Peter Panhandler Drowns in his own Urine

27. A Weed Grows in Brooklyn

28. Alice's Adventures in Caesar's Palace Hotel & Casino

29. Hansel and Gretel and Hansel's "Special Friend" Sven

30. The Hungry, Hungry Sorority Anorexic

31. Danny and the Rabid Flesh-Eating Dinosaur

32. Dick and Jane Spread a Paste Made from Poisonous Plants on Raw Steaks Cut from the Family Cat, Eat said Steaks/Paste, and Vomit for a Week

33. Harriet the Stalker

34. The Dumpster Divin' Kids

35. Larry the Leper Needs a Hand

36. Stillborn Sammy's Day at the Park

37. Wash Your Hands or Die of Anthrax

38. Ninety-Nine Horny Blue Men in Tight White Pants: Smurfette's Confessions

39. Winnie, the Bear Made of Human Feces

40. The Birds & the Bees & the Donkey Punch

41. The Pre-school of Dr. Moreau

42. The Indian-Giving Tree

43. The Anthropomorphized Sock that Was Burned Alive in the Sink because it Talks! It Talks!

44. Uncle Bongo's Lap is Sticky

45. Your Brother is Black Because God Wanted You to Be Special

46. The Adventures of Grandma Crazy Diapers!

47. The Rubber Ducky is Watching You

48. Are You There God? It's Me, Hitler

49. Richard Scarry's Busiest Mortician Ever

The Afganistan Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart.

They shake hands and as they walk the Afgan says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."

The Afgan whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

Rated G

Dear Abe,

Excuse me Fatso, what are zingers?
— Fatima

Dear Fatima,

I can't believe you called me Fatso! I love it! I guess you're an uber-fan who has sniffed out my role as the 8th dwarf in the 1979 film "Waking Beauty." Oh man, it must drive you bonkers too that the picture was never released, because it's the perfect parable for our busy modern age, viewed through the classic true story of "Sleeping Beauty." The dwarves represent the honest joe tryin' to earn a buck, while Sleeping Beauty herself represents mankind's universal urge to hit the snooze button again and again.

The project was shelved due to a production snafu, which is really a pimple on rear end of film history, because it was a guaranteed blockbuster. There's an Oscar-caliber scene where I shake my fists and wail as the other dwarves pelt me with poison apples and slowly feed me to a troll. And kudos to my pre-teen supporting cast. I mentored a lot of these guys who were just breaking into the biz:

CAST:
Happy: Brad Pitt
Sleepy: Ben Affleck
Grumpy: Vince Vaughn
Bashful: Edward Norton
Dopey: Marky-Mark Wahlberg
Sneezy: Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Doc: George Clooney
Fatso: Cameron Cody
Sleeping Beauty: Angelina Jolie (Hi Angie!)

This film would have knocked "Harry Potter" off his broom. I could be living off those royalties right now, instead of doing cabaret on Carnival Cruise lines between the US and Guam. Not that I'm not doing well, it's just that the part would've brought me to the "next level." But that's Hollywood, folks. Each role is a roll of the dice! That's why loads of actors look to unnatural substances and anonymous sex to steady their nerves.

A Good Mystery

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.''

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets.

With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.

Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter.

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe.  After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off:  "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs finkelstein's robes every time  he preaches.

Some months later, Jesus is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.  "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein.  "Would you consider a partnership

"Sure, sure," replies Jesus....."Jesus & Finkelstein it is !!!"

"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus.....after all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutual acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...

(Are you ready for this?)

Are you sure?

SPORTS SHORTS

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy, no good officiating."

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "Iwas going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Learning Curve

I've learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6

I've learned that pissing in your sister's shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9

I've learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12

I've learned that getting your hands down a girl's pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13

I've learned that girls use their teeth when they suck your dick sometimes.
Age 15

I've learned that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17

I've learned that getting laid is the primary reason for my existance.
Age 21

I've learned that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
    
I've learned that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28

I've learned that everyone in the world except for me, my three best friends and my immediate family are fucked.
Age 31

I've learned that women are money-grabbing bitches, and that you should only fuck 18 year olds.
Age 35

I've learned that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37

I've learned that fucking 20 year old girls while punching them in the back of the head
and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau  Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40

I've learned that it doesn't matter how old and fat you are, and how much you fart,
drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sexy if you have a shit load of cash.
Age 45

I've learned that not having kids was the best fucking move ever.
Age 47

I've learned that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52

I've learned that old people shit me, and that young people piss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fucking kids, when all I want to do is fuck a little totty and get drunk.
Age 57

I've learned that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62

I've learned that liver, lung and heart transplants aren't so bad.
Age 67

I've learned that I didn't fuck enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fucked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined.
Age 71

I've learned that Viagra remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74

I've learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fuck a fat old guy when he has been
unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81

I've learned that pissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80's you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things with impunity.
Age 85

I've learned that I didn't do enough women, didn't snort enough coke, and didn't drink enough good red wine, because I am still fucking alive.
Age 92

Received from a southern Film-Tech" member

ROMANCE MATHEMATIC

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his Wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and

love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try too understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married menare a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -

Before marriage and After marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

More Alcohol Warnings

If the government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at Four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

Children's Books

1. Charlie and the Third World Nike Factory

2. Harry Potter and the Little Actor Who'll Grow up to Become a Bitter Coked-up Has-been

3. The Littlest Anarchist's Cookbook

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup for the Soul

5. All God's Creatures Are Emotionally Unavailable

6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Has a Heart Attack Because He's a Freak of Nature

7. Ali Baba and the 1,000 Arab Stereotypes

8. Babar, the Ivory Coat Rack

9. Beauty and the Yeast Infection

10. The Boy Scouts' Queer Bludgeoning Handbook

11. Kermit the Frog and the Hot Skillet of Foaming Butter

12. Charlotte's Web of Lies & Deceit

13. Where the Evildoers Are - by George W. Bush

14. Shel Silverstein's Silly Poems about Anal Sex

15. No One Really Loves Fat Girls - by Judy Blume

16. Dr. Seuss's The Grinch Who Was Slightly Apathetic about Presidents' Day

17. The Little Train Who Couldn't, But it's Okay Because it Happens to every Train Once in a While

18. Little Red in Da Hood

19. Pus in Boots

20. John Wayne Gacey, the Silly Clown Who Murders Children Who Don't Listen to Mommy

21. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Menstruation

22. Jack & the Gnarly-ass Bean Burrito

23. Snow White and the Seven Intoxicated Mexicans

24. Mary Had a Little Rash

25. Sleeping Ugly-Ass Ho Knocked out on Roofies

26. Peter Panhandler Drowns in his own Urine

27. A Weed Grows in Brooklyn

28. Alice's Adventures in Caesar's Palace Hotel & Casino

29. Hansel and Gretel and Hansel's "Special Friend" Sven

30. The Hungry, Hungry Sorority Anorexic

31. Danny and the Rabid Flesh-Eating Dinosaur

32. Dick and Jane Spread a Paste Made from Poisonous Plants on Raw Steaks Cut from the Family Cat, Eat said Steaks/Paste, and Vomit for a Week

33. Harriet the Stalker

34. The Dumpster Divin' Kids

35. Larry the Leper Needs a Hand

36. Stillborn Sammy's Day at the Park

37. Wash Your Hands or Die of Anthrax

38. Ninety-Nine Horny Blue Men in Tight White Pants: Smurfette's Confessions

39. Winnie, the Bear Made of Human Feces

40. The Birds & the Bees & the Donkey Punch

41. The Pre-school of Dr. Moreau

42. The Indian-Giving Tree

43. The Anthropomorphized Sock that Was Burned Alive in the Sink because it Talks! It Talks!

44. Uncle Bongo's Lap is Sticky

45. Your Brother is Black Because God Wanted You to Be Special

46. The Adventures of Grandma Crazy Diapers!

47. The Rubber Ducky is Watching You

48. Are You There God? It's Me, Hitler

49. Richard Scarry's Busiest Mortician Ever

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund,the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in anew anti-terrorism process. When George sits down,he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair.They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing
glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed,Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs,and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates,he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan."We'll finish
these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks,
but nothing happens.George snickers but they continue talking.A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue
the talks but when the third button is pressed,Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund."I'm going back to Afghanistan!"George W. says, through tears of laughter,"What Afghanistan?"

Twenty responses to wrong No.'s

I haven't tried all these but I have some friends who have and they said it was really fun so....here are 20 things to say when people dialed the wrong number or when annoying salespeople call.

1. Say in a very very saddened voice that the person they were calling for just died (example: I'm so sorry Barbra died *sniff* please call back later to know where and when the funeral will be.
NOTE: this one's really funny when either they're 1. a salesperson or they argue back saying that you're lying.

2. If you have a bunch of friends over tell them to make humping sounds and say that the person they want is "busy."

3.Start crying and say, "After all we've been through you still can't get my name right?" than just hang up and see if they call back (if they do try talking in accents (example: Chinese, Indian, whatever)

4. three words: Low Self Esteem.

5. Talk in gibberish and than say "You get any of that?" than immediatly hang up.

6. When they call say "It's about time you called, the money's in the cookie jar which is burried by the rose." (you know what to do, yes hang up)

7.Tell them your "secrets" whether they have the wrong number or not.

8. One word: gossip

9.Say cheesy pick up lines (whether it's the opposite sex or
not) example. "Hey, is that a mirror in your pants? because I can see me in them"

10. Tell them to wait. make them wait for 5 minutes while you threaten people in the same room with your :sixth finger".

11. Tell them to call another time because your cat is looking real sexy, and it will only be a quickie so call back soon.

12. Two words: eat food.

13. Tell them that you love them even though you have a girl/boy friend. explain in detail about your undying love for them.

14. If they have already cought their mistake of dialing the wrong number say, "No! not this time (make it seem really dramatic, I'm talking spanish soap opera dramatic), you can't always run away from your problems!" go on until they hang up.

15. Ask them about their family. Ask them a whole bunch of questions." when they're half way through their sentence interupt by telling them that no one cares.

16. One word: Why?

17. Tell them about your problems whether you have any or not.

18. Ask them if they're into dirty talk.

19. Threaten to call the police.