I was driving my four-year-old son home from day care when seemingly out of the blue he asked, "Mommy, is my voice going to change one day?"

"Yes, it is," I replied.

"Why?" He immediately wanted to know.

Goldberg, the laundry owner said to Berman, a longtime customer, "Thank you, Mr. Berman, for your patronage.I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Berman. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red
roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.
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WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

~ Answering machine messages ~

1. Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

2. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."

3. Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

4. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps
taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

5. (With loud music playing in the background)"Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.

6. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

7. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

8. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

9. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

One Liners

HEAD SCRATCHERS!

These questions and ideas just make me scratch my head.... Hmmm...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ...they were cramming for theirfinals?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't Zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women!

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs like beer.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

RACIAL PROFILING

Profiling People Prohibited:

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics
intent on killing us -- airport screeners will not be allowed to profilepeople. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, littlekids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year-old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test on whether or not we
should engage in profiling:

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was
murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40 In 1988,

Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain:
"Mustapha the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In October of 2000, the U.S.S. Cole was blown up by:
(1) Madonna
(2) Earl Scruggs
(3) Arthur Anderson
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of
people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

Hmmm . .Nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling.

MORE STUPID CRIMES!

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

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The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500.00 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

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A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Policeofficers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

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When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

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A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her needs to cast blame on others.

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things, a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life".

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love human touches -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops the car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"