Strenuous Activities That Are Guaranteed Not To Be Aerobic.

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

You are invited to try my program. I am happy to share it with you. Here are the things I have become expert at:

Beating around the bush

Jumping to conclusions

Climbing the walls

Swallowing my pride

Passing the buck

Throwing my weight around

Dragging my heels

Pushing my luck

Making mountains out of molehills

Hitting the nail on the head

Wading through paperwork

Bending over backwards

Jumping on the bandwagon

Balancing the books

Running around in circles

Eating crow

Tooting my own horn

Climbing the ladder of success

Pulling out the stops

Adding fuel to the fire

Opening a can of worms

Putting my foot in my mouth

Starting the ball rolling

Going over the edge

Picking up the pieces

Senior Personal Ads

FOXY LADY: Fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for
sharp looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching
white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has
just buried fourth husband looking for someone to
round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with
original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get
together and listen to my boss collection of
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday
through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

When the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

HOW TO SING THE " BLUES "

(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky and rubin )

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and pickups. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Dying while skiing ain't a blues thang.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis, or a hunting dog in Alabama.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a boring depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colours do not belong in the blues:
a. pink
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office, bank, or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
d. the railroad boxcar

Bad places:
a. Starbucks
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
d. Sea World

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man with a string tie.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes... if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No... if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
d. you own a condo in a golf resort

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues....never ever.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the making of the blues.

Other blues beverages are:
a. red wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavours)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die
during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Belle

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little George
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra, Brian, or Alicia, will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone:
"I didn't wake up this morning"

FROM A LOCAL RADIO STATION:

We recently conducted a poll to see whether man prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs.

THE RESULTS:

1. 10% of those men surveyed preferred women withlarge thighs.

2. 10% of those men surveyed preferred women withthin thighs.

The druggist approached the customer who had just lit a cigar.

"Excuse me," he said, "but you can't smoke in here."

The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't!! I just bought the damn thing here!"

"Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here too."

~ MORE TOILET WISDOM ~

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman,
Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

Beauty is only a light switch away.
--- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
---The Irish Times, Washington, DC

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal.
It makes them soggy and hard to light.
---The Janitor

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.

You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat
for the entire journey.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

People on TV never finish their drinks.

The chief of police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

All single women have a cat.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts experts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Guns are like disposable razers - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right[Kate Manefield] attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbors hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner' insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbors beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is:

TRUE or FALSE

1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.

2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.

3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

4. The G-string is part of a violin.

5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.

6. Testicles are found on an octopus.

7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".

8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.

9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.

12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.

13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.

14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.

15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.

16. Climax is a weather balloon.

17. Condom is a small apartment complex.

Twenty five states are currently considering anticloning legislation.

On his day off, Jim decides to go to the circus.

He gets his ticket and goes to his seat. During one of the acts, a clown takes a mic and goes to the center ring. He addresses the audience: "Whoever is sitting in seat D19 please stand up."

Jim looks at his card and sure enough, he has seat D19. So he stands up, thinking he'll get some great prize when the clown says, "Now that we've seen the back of the donkey, let's see the front!"

Jim is so embarrassed and pissed at the clown, the leaves the circus and goes home.

The next day, Jim enrolls at the local Comeback College.

He attends the college 4 years and is the best comebacker the college has ever seen.

At graduation the president of the college comes up to him and says he is so good at come backs, he wants him to teach classes at the college.

Jim agrees, but says he has to do one thing.

The next day Jim goes back to the same circus and gets seat D19.

Once again, in the middle of the show, a clown takes center ring and says,"Whoever is sitting in seat D19 please stand up."

Jim stands and the clown says,"Now that we've seen the back of the donkey let's see the front!"

Just last night I went out for dinner and when my foodwas served I tasted it and it was horrible.

I called the waiter and told him it was horrible, I couldn't eat it and wanted to talk to the manager.

RADIO SHACK REVENGE!

Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AAbatteries? I think we should inconvenience these people asmuch as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cableadapter and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified.

"Once more?" he asked.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.

Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?"

Stopping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH TinatonabeeAvenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the darn credit card receipt."

SEEN ON A BUMPER STICKER

Our child was
INMATE OF THE MONTH
at Santa Clara County
Juvenile Detention Facility