Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from up stairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.

Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! you had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out:

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

The Washington Post asked readers to take any wordfrom the dictionary... alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourselffor the purpose of laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when youare running late.

7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sendingoff all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas toseem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the liter(ature):

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist
understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together,now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..

All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat- cause kids!

I wish the buck stopped here;I sure could use a few. . .

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards,why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some New Definitions of Common Words For You To Ponder!

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Rumour : News that travels at the speed of sound.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Father : An Automatic Teller Machine provided by nature.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Optimist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers.

After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables.

I notified police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

English Has Been Chosen As The Preferred European Language The European Union.

Commissioners have announced that agreement has finally been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communication, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the final negotiations however, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this kleanup konfusion, but type-writers kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a whileand look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him,"We're not coming out until you leave!"

Daze of the Weak.

MOANDAY: No explanation needed here. I moan just thinking about it.

TWOSDAY: Second day of the week. I sure could use a double shot of something.

WHENSDAY: When's this day gonna be over? When it is, we will be passed the halfway mark!!! Reason to celebrate!

THIRSTDAY: Developing a thirst for the weekend....dreaming of a Michelob Moment!

FRYDAY: My brain is fried, might as well finish the job.... Lets get drunk!

SADDERDAY: okay...so...too many Michelob Moments last night. What's even sadder, my wife locked me out of the house and I had to bunk with the dog. S'okay, got a 12 pack, the dog doesn't touch the stuff, so its mine...ALL MINE!

SUNDAY: Dang that sun is bright. When did I install a window in the dog house!

THE MALE VERSION (I Will Survive !!!)

At first I was afraid I was petrified,
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side,
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd Assault me in
your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door,
But you've been sitting on my legs and I
Can't feel them anymore,
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose
Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers are not
Made of liquorice lace,

I want to go, I've got to leave,
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave,
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're
Half cut.

I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that We call
beer,
You can all sod your beer goggles,
sh*t I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled
up with water,

It's time to go, run out the door,
She's started hinting that she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor,
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

I WILL SURVIVE !

** "Transportation in the Middle Ages" by Orson Cart

** "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde

** "Home Maintenance" by Duane Pipe

** "Growing up in the Balkans" by Hugo Slavia

** "Irish Winter Tales" by Pete Moss

** "Increase Your Brain Power" by Sarah Bellum

** "The Outboard Motor Died" by Rhoda Shore

** "Sitting Outside in Ireland" by Paddy O'Furniture

** "Our Son, Russell, the Chef" by Mr. & Mrs. Upsumgrub

** "Looking into the Wishing Well" by Eileen Dover

** "Answering the Questions of the Universe" by Howard I. Know

** "How to Write a Mystery Novel" by Page Turner

** "The Great English Breakfast" by Chris P. Bacon

** "I Got Away with Murder" by Scott Free

** "Winning Big" by Jack Potts

** "Vacation Spots in the Tropics" by Sandy Beech

** "Dealing with Debt" by Owen Munny

** "I always enjoy the darkness" by Gladys Knight

** "Stay Outta My Way" by Amanda Rekunwith

** "Doorway to the Haunted Castle" by Hugo First

** "Wearing Earrings" by Pierce Deare

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

One evening a Minnesota farm woman wrote a jingle to try to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. It was to be completed in 50 words or less. Carnation furnished the first line - "I like Carnation best of all".

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and said her entry was the best, but it could not be published. However, they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.

Here is her entry:

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean
No hay to pitch.
Just punch a hole in the Son-of-a-bitch.
One evening a Minnesota farm woman wrote a jingle to try to win a large cash prize from Carnation Milk. It was to be completed in 50 words or less. Carnation furnished
the first line - "I like Carnation best of all".

A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and said her entry was the best, but it could not be published. However, they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000.

Here is her entry: