A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boydecided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored
one.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned petrolstation. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two."Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and the older one spotted this.

"I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one. The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.

Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that." "You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards into the desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature", said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy." said the healthier one. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice an d then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged mansitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster roller coaster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

"I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertl funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby theauto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks inan effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15seconds before the crash.

From MY PLANET..42 Minutes and Holding by Mary Roach:

Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line
when her gossipy neighbour poked her head over the fence.

"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's
a rumour that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at
his age too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty."

"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?'

"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000.""

The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.

This old prospector walks into a bar in Texas. He's dirty and dusty; his white beard is ragged and tangled; his pants and shirt are all ripped up. There is a tall, lean, and young Texan there bragging about how virile he is and how he could please any woman in Texas. Finally this talk got to the miner.

He slammed a bag of gold dust on the bar and told the young Texan,"Young Man, I bettcha $10,000 in gold that mine is longer soft than yours is hard."

Age Barometer

How many of these do you remember?

1. Metal ice trays with levers

2. Telephone party lines

3. 45 RPM records

4. Soda machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Butch wax

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. The unholy trinity: Hitler, Mussolini and Franco

10. Eisenhower, Normandy and D-Day

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. Candy cigarettes

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Wire recorders

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skates with keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-in movies

24. Studebaker and Nash automobiles

25. Wash tub wringers

26. Rotary phones

27. Carbon Paper

28. Kick The Can

29. A real Ice box

30. Air cooled theatres

IF YOU REMEMBERED...

0-5 = You're still young

6-10 = You are getting older

11-15 = Don't tell your age

16-20 = You're older than dirt!

Over 20?... even dirt isn't as old as you!

Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

San Antonio, Texas (Reuters) -- July 9, 2002 Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, about 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border and plundering towns and villages along the way -- and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, New Mexico, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters, too."

Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960 and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Lewitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!' they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."

"You'll never audit me alive!" they scream. The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokeswoman Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that."

Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jenette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

THE STRESS DIET!

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and
whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Evening Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS