"LUNCH"

Out to lunch one day a couple of immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.

"I---think I swallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.

"Hymie" said Morris, "Are you choking?"

"No, demmit, I'm serious."

ELECTION PLANS

Support for Gore...Sharon Stone style At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the campaign trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. "From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with Al, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."

"What is that message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

For those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The Last Days of Pompeii, which opens with the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night." Hence the contest.

This is the top three winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness,crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

One day, the doorbell rings at 221B Baker street. Dr. Watson goes
to the door, as Mrs. Hudson is away for the weekend.

When he opens the door, he sees a schoolgirl standing there. He
says to her, "Yes?""I'm here to see Mr. Holmes, sir," she replies.

So the good doctor shows her to the great detective's study. A few
minutes later, he hears what appears to be the sounds of a great
struggle coming from the room, with panting and groaning.

Immedialtely his mind springs to the only available conclusion - the evil Professor Moriarty, cleverly disguised as a schoolgirl, is doing away with the great Holmes!

Springing to his feet, he bounds across the room and yanks the door open...to see Holmes, naked, lying atop the schoolgirl, pumping away for all he's is worth.

Pulling himself up to his full height, the doctor sputters, "I
SAY! Holmes! And just what sort of a 'schoolgirl" is this," he
sneers.

Quote Of The Year

Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Dick Armey,

Republican Member of The House of Representatives from Texas, who was asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"

Three guys got stranded on island. After a few days, they got rather bored while waiting for a boat to come and rescue them, so one of them
had this great idea

Why dont we have a game of golf? Its easy, all we need is a stick, a ball and a hole. I'll provide the stick

I'll provide the ball, said the second one.

There once was a King and Queen who ruled a kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother,who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and needed help ruling his land.

The first king volunteered to help and explained to the queen that his brother's illness may last many months. They would see one another each weekend. Every other weekend the king would journey, on
horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating weekends the queen would journey, up from the seaside, the same way.

"There is one very important thing to remember" said the king. Halfway between the two lands is a bridge which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always remember to bring one with you."

"I will" she replied thinking that would be easy since all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of four leaf clovers, for good luck.

So the time comes for the queen to make her first journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He certainly doesn't look very magical" she thinks to herself.

The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf cloverif you please ... or bend over on your knees."

And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest, thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust his hips back and forth three or four times to show exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch prick.

The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave him the clover and hurried on her way.

This went on for many months. The queen grew used to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasizing about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all, the king was just of an average size, and he was all she had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties would get damp at the thought of making the journey
across the bridge.

One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she thought "What the hell, you only live once" and threw her clover away.

When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend over on your knees."

"My goodness" said the queen looking in the pocket of her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It looks like I will have to take the second choice today."

So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy she realizes why he is called a "magic troll."

The troll screws the queen like she has never been screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the queens moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine walls for the next couple of hours. When they are finally done, they lay exhausted in the flowers.

"I have to admit ..." said the queen, "I'm kind of glad I lost my clover."

"Oh, I hear that one all the time" replies the troll.

"Do many ladies come by here who have lost their clover" says the queen coyly.

THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH....ONE'S A TEXAN WEARING A STETSON, ONE'S A MUSLIM WEARING A TURBAN, AND THE LAST AN APACHE WITH AN EAGLE FEATHER WOVEN IN HIS HAIR.

THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS, "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE ARE FEW."

THE MUSLIM PUFFS UP AND SAYS, "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE FEW, BUT NOW WE ARE MANY MILLIONS."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Supermodel Wisdom

They're beautiful. They're photogenic. They're also often a few feathers short of a duck. Here are some memorable quotes from some of our favorite supermodels. Remember, it's not what you say, it's what you say.

ON THINKING: "When I model, I pretty much blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." (Paulina Porizkova)

ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."(Cindy Crawford)

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." (Carole Mallory)

ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."(Beverly Johnson)

ON ROLE MODELS: "If you eat right and you exercise and you get breast implants, you can look like us." Gena Lee Nolan)

ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." (Christie Brinkley)

ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting rolesI take."
(Kathy Ireland, star of Alien from L.A. and Danger Island)

ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." (Paulina Porizkova)

ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
(Kim Alexis)

ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament." (Jerry Hall)

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER: "I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face." (Claudia Schiffer)

ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
(Tyra Banks)

ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything.I don't really care." (Tyra Banks)

ON BREAKTHROUGHS: "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." (Gabrielle Reece)

ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."(Christie Brinkley)

ON HEREDITY: "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" (Beverly Johnson)

ON THE BASICS: "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old t-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." (Cheryl Tiegs)

ON INTRODUCTIONS: "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself-it's eerie." (Christy Turlington)

ON COURTSHIP: "The soundtrack to Indecent Exposure is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." (Fabio)

ON TRAGEDY: "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles but I had on thick tights underneath." (Naomi Campbell)

ON SURVIVAL: "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."(Carol Alt)

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs,
probably from some of those with sequin all over them."
(Cindy Crawford)

ON LOGIC: "I think if my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." (Christy Turlington)

ON VERSATILITY: "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." (Linda Evangelista)

ON BODY PARTS: "I don't know what to do with my arms.It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."(Tyra Banks)

ON BODY LANGUAGE: "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." (Christy Turlington)

ON DEPRIVATION: "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." (Linda Evangelista)

ON THE GRIEVING PROCESS: "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." (Veronica Webb)

ON VENGEANCE: "Girls are always getting mad at eachother and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair." (Tasha)

ON MOTIVATION: "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."(Kate Moss)

GENTLEMEN---YOU ARE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN ...

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.

2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.

12. Sex becomes "All that foolishness".

13. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

14. All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

15. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

16. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

17. You actually ASK for your father's advice.

18. When someone mentions surfing, you picture waves and a surf board.

Last winter a male friend was laid up at home with the flu.

His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very dis-couraged."

My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down, when she heard the telephone ring upstairs.

Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end...

"Hello, is this Bonnie D, we are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Cannibals
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.

One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"

The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"