Soy Foods.. . .

With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe,soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items among meat-shunning Euopeans?

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective
Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

'Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?' asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

'No, sir, I have never seen you before.'

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

'This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in
Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from
Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been
on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to
me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not
French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'

Doyle remarked,'This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.'

'There is one other thing,' the driver said.

'What is that?'

I got into a fight with a really big guy and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother,praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ...or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the 'on' switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works,then it isn't stupid.

Aussies, Brits, Canadians, and Yanks: Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies
(Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being
mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Yanks: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians
when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone
else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your
mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for
those people who belong to your club.

Yanks: Believe that people should look out
for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's
job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Yanks: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and
obsessively patriotic to the point of
blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their
anthem, when they can be bothered to
sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large
brass band to perform the anthem.

Yanks: Spend most of their lives glued to
the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't
get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four
channels. (or five, if you're lucky.)

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs,
which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.

Yanks: Will jabber on incessantly about
football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: will jabber on incessantly about
cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about
hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice,
playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how
they beat the Poms in every sport they
play them in.

Yanks: Spell words differently, but still
call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently,
but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce
like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy
accent to everything they say in an
attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported
because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported
because they live on an island.

Yanks: Cross the southern border for cheap
shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards
country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap
shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards
country.

Yanks: Seem to think that poverty & failure
are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and
success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty,
success and failure are inherited
things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this
matters after several beers.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.............

* You and your teeth don't sleep together.

* Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.

* At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're
not eating cereal.

* Your back goes out but you stay home.

* When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

* When happy hour is a nap.

* When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your
money does.

* When you say something to your kids that your mother said
to you and you always hated it.

* When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of
your age.

* Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

* Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

* The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

* Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

* It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

* You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your
head the whole time.

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the
constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system,
including all its Newton's, Joules, and Watts, here are some other
useful conversions:

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kiloahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line

454 graham crackers:
1 pound cake

1 million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

2 monograms:
1 diagram

8 nickels:
2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators:
Not 1 decision

Reasons I Stopped Attending Football Games

1. Every time I went, they asked me for money.

2. The people sitting next to me didn't seem very friendly.3. The seats were too hard.

4. The coach never came to call on me.

5. The referee made a decision I disagreed with.

6. I was sitting with hypocrites - they came only to see what others were wearing.

7. Some of the games went into overtime and I was late getting
home.
8. The band played songs I didn't like.

9. The games were scheduled when I wanted to do other things.

10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

11. Since I read a book about football, I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

The Ten Commandments Of Love!

1. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth
me behind my back.

3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

4. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it
if thou knowest what's good for thee.

7. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls
from my telephone.

8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.

The Most Dangerous Snake In the World

NAME:

"Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION:

Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:

One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS:

This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT:

Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: \

Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is njected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET:

Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND:

This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND:

Lorraine
Rated g

The joke you just told isn't funny one bit.
It's pointless and dull, wholly lacking in wit.
It's so old and so stale it's beginning to smell.
And besides, it's the one I was going to tell!

Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from?

Well, here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discoveredWhat was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term  "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transi

In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.

The taxi driver took Dave to the railway station to catch a train to Sydney. 'You want to watch them flamin' wild wimmen down there,' warned the taxi driver.

'Don't worry about me,' says Dave, 'I'm as smart as any of them sheilas, any day.'

A fortnight later Dave gets off the train back home and hails the taxi.

'I want yer to take me an' the wife out to the farm" says Dave.

The taxi driver looks at the woman standing on the station and couldn't help but notice that she was about six or seven months pregnant. 'Is this one 'ere yer wife?' he asks.

'Yeah,' says Dave, with a big grin on his face.

'But she's well on the way to havin' a baby.'

'That's right,' grins Dave.

'But face it, Dave. It won't be your baby?'

'Don't be silly! Course it's my baby,' protested Dave.

'How do yer make out it's your baby?'

'Well,' says Dave, 'if you buy a cow and it has a calf, the bloody calf's yours, ain't it?'

Some Thoughts on the Political Side

Pity poor old George Washington. He couldn't blame his troubles on the previous administration.
=============================

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Unknown
================================

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-
working,honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
~Lily Tomlin
============================

When you throw mud at someone, you're the one who is losing ground.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a
horrible warning.
~Unknown
============================