~~~ Boys & Girls Are Different ~~~

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1.You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.
You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then
it will hit him in the nose.

2.Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they
learn how to make machine-gun noises.

3.Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

4.A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what
nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it
into a gun.

5.When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress
them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and
Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6.Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs
got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock
themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7.Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start
painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

8.If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9.Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut
them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look
nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10.Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early
age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11.By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the
age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he
bribes them with candy.

12.Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you
turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles" movie three times in a row.

13.Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

How To Photograph A Puppy

My husband, who is an anti-abortion activist, sincerely believes that life begins at conception.Recently, he learned that he was conceived while his parents were on vacation in Jamaica, and he has come to the conclusion that he is therefore a Jamaican and is in this country illegally.

He is now talking about turning himself in and having himself deported.

Am I married to a man of principle or a cuckoo bird?

What Happens When You Fall For...

A chef? -You get buttered up.

A chauffeur? -You get taken for a ride.

A gambler? -- He cheats on you.

A telephone operator? -- He gives you a phone-y line.

A trashman? -- He dumps you.

A clockmaker? -- He two-times you.

A pastry cook? -- He desserts you.

A shoe salesman? -- He walks all over you.

An elevator operator? -- He lets you down.

An artist? -- He gives you the brush off.

You Know You're In Trouble When ...

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on 3.

You see the cruise ship captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first
time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button,
and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

Reasons...........Why you believe..............

1. You have the bladder capacity of three people.

2. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

3. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

4. You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon.

5. You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal

7. You own Kevlar underwear.

8. You find humor in other's stupidity.

9. You believe in Arial spraying of PROZAC.

10. You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.

11. You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter.

12. You believe that "ugly in pubic" should be grounds for arrest.

13. You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.

14. You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet."

15. You believe that coffee and donuts are two of the four food groups.

16. You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.

17. You've ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a prison.

18. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.

19. You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.

20. You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time."

21. You have ever heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess, anyway."

22. You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.

23. It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone."

24. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

25. You refer to your work as "collecting garbage."

26. You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the same lifeform.

27. You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have given you a car with lights and sirens.

28. You believe it's not a good death unless it courses overtime.

29. You haven't seen it all -- just all the sick parts.

30. You have trouble differentiation between counsel and client.

31. You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the wheel of a car.

32. You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer.

33. You don't see daylight from November to May.

34. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they think it's funny and original.

35. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.

36. You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing else fits.

Why are black cats such good singers ?

They're very mewsical !

When is it unlucky to see a black cat ?

When your a mouse !

What do you get if you cross a witches cat with Father Christmas ?

Santa Claws !

How do you get milk from a witches cat ?[b]

Steal her saucer !

[b]What do witches cats like for breakfast ?

Mice krispies !

What do you get if you cross a witches cat with a canary ?

A peeping tom !

What is an octopus ?

An eight sided cat !

Why do black cats never shave ?

Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas !

What do you call it when a witches cat falls off a broomstick ?

A catastrophe !

Why did the witch feed her cat with pennies ?

When my three crazy country cousinsand I each reached the age of 8, my
Uncle would start teaching us how to really ride the horses he trained,Once we got good enough he would let us exercise them and if we did well he let us sometimes ride in steeple chases and shows.

My older two cousins had been riding for a couple of years when my
youngest cousin and I finally got to, so we were more than ready.

I had been given the care and feeding duties of a beautiful little
dapple grey Arab mare, she and I loved each other, she would run to
me when I came to saddle her and I would always have an apple or carrot for her. I groomed her every day and she pranced and acted
like she knew how wonderful she looked.

It was decided that I could ride her in an annual steeple chase held in Louisville in the spring, I was in heaven. We practiced every day at least once and riding her became as natural as walking to me.

About a month before the event a man who boarded several horses with my Uncle asked him if his daughter could ride my mare in the steeple chase, he had purchased a thoroughbred for her and she had trouble handling it. He had seen me ride the mare and thought she would be gentle enough for his daughter to handle and his daughter was set on riding in this steeple chase.My Uncle tried to talk him out of it but to no avail.I was heart broken, but could do nothing about it.

The girl, who was a teenager at the time, came out every day and rode my mare,I still fed and groomed her, but this girl got to ride her. So I got my Uncle to let me ride her thoroughbred, since no one was exercising him. My oldest cousin, who was a sad as I was about the whole thing, talked my Uncle into letting me ride the thoroughbred in the steeple chase. After watching me ride for a couple of days he entered me in the same event as the girl riding my mare.

The race started badly,I had trouble holding my horse, he just wanted to run like thoroughbreds do, but I finally got him under control enough to make the jumps. We were ahead coming to thefinish, but he had expended so much energy at the start that my little mare was gaining on us.As she came to us she slowed and just ran beside us. She just wanted to be with me, not to pass me.

I had mixed emotions crossing the finish just a head in front of my
beloved mare.

EVER WONDER WHO WROTE THE SONG
"Happy Birthday to You

"Happy Birthday to You", the four-line ditty was written as a
classroom greeting in 1893 by two Louisville teachers, Mildred J. Hill, an authority on Negro spirituals, and Dr. Patty Smith Hill,
professor emeritus of education at Columbia University. The melody of the song "Happy Birthday to You" was composed by Mildred J. Hill, a schoolteacher born in Louisville, KY, on June 27, 1859. The song was first published in 1893, with the lyrics written by her sister, Patty Smith Hill, as "Good Morning To All."

"Happy Birthday to You" was copyrighted in 1935 and renewed in 1963.The song was apparently written in 1893, but first copyrighted in 1935 after a lawsuit (reported in the New York
Times of August 15, 1934, p.19 col. 6) In 1988, Birch Tree Group, Ltd. sold the rights of the song to Warner Communications (along with all other assets) for an estimated $25 million (considerably more than a song). (reported in Time, Jan 2, 1989 v133 n1 p88(1)

In the 80s, the song :Happy Birthday to You" was believed to generate about $1 million in royalties annually. With "Auld LangSyne"and "For
He's a Jolly Good Fellow", it is among the three most popular songs in the English language. (reported in Time, Jan 2, 1989 v133 n1 p88(1)

Amtrak investigates another derailment. Marketing forthe railroad company is trying to put a positive spin on the situation. It's slogan is now "we love to fly and it shows."

THIS IS SCARY.....BUT SO TRUE.

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them 'come as fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby --it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.

I told my computer that today is my birthday,

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together
a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for
a Camel," or "DE plane Boss, DE plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R.
even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

Sue Bee

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.

"I beg your pardon, Sir?"

"Taste it."

"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

"Taste it," Pa persisted.

"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

"Taste it!"

The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir,I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "